TigerMomBlood

"We walk the streets at night, we go where eagles dare..." - Where Eagles Dare, Misfits

A few weeks ago I caught wind of this TigerBlood internship shenaniganza, and as you can imagine, I applied immediately. A paid summer of misadventure with a known psychopath... I even made it deep into the second round of interviews, on the strength of my blog alone, before I got the axe. It could've been great, but it's for the best that I didn't get that gig - it really could have only ended one way. Together, Charlie Sheen and I would have formed a crude bad decision engine powered by meanness and liquor - a self-perpetuating positive feedback loop of increasingly questionable behavior and traumatic outbursts that would have eventually lead to no less than one death, and maybe as much as the overthrow of a small South American government or even the seceding of a Midwestern state. Of course, at best, it could have lead to fully armed rescue mission to Libya to save the children, bring them to LA, and nurse them back from the brink on TigerMomBlood - straight from the teat.

To be honest, though, I'm probably just on the cusp of being too old to be an intern, and I gave up TigerBlood years ago - I've moved on to something a little more... potent. And difficult to acquire. What I yearn for must be hunted, snuck up upon, and consumed immediately and straight from the tap or else run the risk of sudden and irreversible paralysis of the legs, migraines and other emotional symptoms.

What is this Nectar of the Gods you ask? It's the blood of the Tigrilla. The only source is an elite hybrid - a genetic blend of tiger and gorilla, only recently developed by a team of arcane scientists in a high tech and heavily fortified lab out in the jungles of Guangdong, China. These big bastards have the looks, temperament and martial arts skills of a Thundercat, which makes it rather difficult to sneak up on and drink from. But what can I say, I go where eagles dare.