Bad Advice #1 - Prison, Liquor and Alka-Seltzer

Nice little glut of Bad Advice requests yesterday. As the Mayor of Bad Decision Country, I shall crack my knuckles and cut to the bone of these pressing issues...

Dear Maxx,
As a single woman full of conflict, I ask you if I should switch from dick to chick.
Signed,
Slightly Dykey in New Haven 

Dykey,
Let me open by suggesting straight off that if you're only slightly dykey, going full-on bo is probably not for you - the use of slightly implies the kind of air of whimsy that is often associated with attention-starved party dykes. This is not suggested as it would cheapen you and your conflict.

And seeing as you are full of conflict, one might think that going off to war might be a smart move, but this is also wrong, because while war is a great place for conflict, it is certainly the last place that conflict ever gets resolved and is therefore not suggested.

Before you swear off dicks all together, take a moment and reflect on all the good times you may or may not have had with them and remember, for every time someone points a dick at you, there are two balls pointing right back at them.

Perhaps the right move for you would be to sign up for a prison pen pal - look for one labeled "violent offender," as they tend to be particularly passionate in their endeavors. These fine specimens, kept under lock and key, are there for you - always waiting for the curly F's and exotic lowercase M's of your penmanship. And if you keep at it long enough, you may even get to participate in a series of terrifying, high-intensity conjugal visits. This is a sure-fire way to score some premium, off-the-market meat - real marriage material! Of course if this fails, perhaps now would be a good time to invest in twenty or so pussycats.

Good luck with that.
-Maxx

Is robbing a liquor store a reasonable way to come up with the money to buy a new computer or should i just slowly save my penny's?
-Risk 

Risk,
I see where you're going with this and while I agree that robbing a liquor store is the right place to start, I think you're loosing sight of the big picture here...

First thing you're going to want to do is go down to WalMart and buy any old rifle or whatever kind of firearm they sell that you don't need a permit or to wait seven days for. Purchase this in conjunction with a ski mask - one of those sketchy ones with holes for your eyes and mouth. Now you're ready for action. Load the rifle, grab a duffel bag and put on the ski mask and some nondescript dungarees and shoes - you don't want to wear anything flashy as it might inspire jealousy in the cashier. Enter the liquor store and immediately discharge the weapon at the ceiling above the clerk's head. This will imbue the clerk with a healthy respect for the situation. Now here's where I suggest you divert from your plan: don't go for the cash - grab booze. Stick to the high potency stuff, you'll need a lot of it for the next step.

Once you've made your getaway and stored your treasure, go down to the local Best Buy and apply for a job. During the interview, make sure you look good and let them know that you'll do any old menial job. Once hired, use the booze you stole to go to work drunk and labor tirelessly. In just a mere five years, give or take, you should be able to save up enough, and in combination with your sweet employee discount, score a really bitchin' computer.

Good luck with that.
-Maxx

You're unemployed, you're searching for a job, you've found one that will grossly under pay you and that you're are clearly over qualified for, which the employer has even made mention of in the interview. This new job would pay slightly better than unemployment but with unemployment you are guaranteed at minimum of 72 weeks of that shit...and you could still look for something better in the mean time.
Your finally offered the job after a 2 week wait and you mention to this company that you are concerned about the pay. The potential employer reminds you that if you do not take the job offered to you that they can report you to unemployment for denying work and you will be kicked off. What would Maxx do? -Anonymous 

Anonymous,
Well, I have to admit, this one pained me a little because it tickled my angst sensor and really activated my delicate sensibilities - but do not fear, I have settled down and re-focused.

The first thing you want to do, before accepting or rejecting the job is to show up unannounced during business hours. Take a handful of ephedrine or other energizing over the counter weight loss drugs before hand to ensure full alertness. Bring a tire valve core remover, a flat-head screwdriver, Alka-Seltzer tablets and some bolt cutters with you.

First identify the hiring manager's car and remove all the valves on the tires using the valve core remover and flat head screwdriver. This will ensure that the car needs to be towed to a tire shop on a flat bed. Then enter the office - you've already interviewed here, so you should be familiar with the facility. Leave the bolt cutters right outside the front door.

Enter the building. From the moment you pass through the front door, you will be running. Run in the most conspicuous way possible, incoherently shouting about mistresses and tax evasion. One of them will be relevant to someone there.

Find your way to the hiring manager's office. About thirty seconds before you get there, put the Alka-Seltzer in your mouth and crunch down - you want to work up a good foam. But remember, you are coming in hot, so you'll want to account for that when you're calculating your thirty seconds.

Burst into the hiring manager's office and immediately fall to the ground, convulsing and spewing foam. This will upset him/her. Security will finally catch up to you and everyone will be confused. Don't stop convulsing! Wait for them to eventually get there shit together enough to call the EMTs, and when they've mostly left the uncomfortable silence of the room for you to twitch in peace, spring into action again. This time, run out of the building grab the bolt cutters and cut the main power supply to the building and scram. Odds are the job offer will no longer be on the table.

Good luck with that.
-Maxx