Maxx: Still Looking at Something on Amazon?

Hello Maxx, you recently viewed Caribbean Joe Ultra-Soft Double Brushed 4-Piece Microfiber Sheet Set. You know, the one with the pineapple pattern? It's a great looking bedding set, but I sense hesitation. Are you concerned that the Hawaiian-style motif will cause your wife to daydream about a tropical vacation, leading to an uncomfortable conversation? Is the pineapple not a symbol of hospitality and luxury - and isn't that the kind of symbolism you want in your bedroom, where you sleep, in spite of the crippling realities of your current unemployment, the ever-eroding environment, and a political climate so balmy with the spittle of vitriolic hate-speech that every day feels like being caught on a street corner in the pouring rain while passing car after passing car full of the true creme of giggling bozoness splashes you with grey street-water?

I hear ya. It's tough out there. So, I was thinking, based on your recent activity, we thought you might be interested in Deep South Barrels 2-Liter American White Oak Barrel Bourbon Kit. I know what you're thinking - that's a pretty big step. But you did just order Libbey Martini Glasses, Set of 12, and if we're being honest with each other, when are you going to serve twelve martinis at the same time. This is clearly a hedge against breakage, you lush. So why not just skip the middleman and start turning out your own bourbon?

Now you're ashamed. I'm deeply sorry about that. Well, the good news is, I found some new recommendations you might be interested in: Debbie Does Dallas. I thought I'd complete your shame spiral, through the majesty of 70's porn. You were already looking at sheets, and well, you know. Categorically similar...

Before I go, let me tell you what's new with Alexa. Now, through the miracle of data analysis, Alexa can identify which of your neighbors has similar interests to you and would likely make a good friend. Not to worry, Alexa has already sent a fruit basket. Through the same algorithms, Alexa has also identified which of your neighbors is likely a pedophile. Unfortunately, due to a minor programming error, Alexa has sent a fruit basket to these neighbors as well. As an apology for the error, Amazon would like to offer you a free month of Amazon Prime. Unfortunately, due to yet another minor programming error, Alexa has sent your whole order history to those potential pedophile neighbors. As well as your kids' favorite colors.