Advice For My Nephew

The following is an open letter to my six year old nephew...

Dear Holden,

I understand that you've learned the F word - good, we're on the same page. It may be just a simple word, but it can be used in any way to mean anything, so it's kind of magical. But mostly it's just an expression of, or act causing, distress and/or tiredness. And it's become quite trite... when it comes to swears, C is the new F.


Here are some other pearls of wisdom:
-  Humor is loosely based in unexpected results. But whether or not a joke works is 90% timing. Don't force your audience - nobody likes that.
-  Girls like confidence more than looks or skills. If you have none of these, try money.
-  You get four years in high school to figure out what you want to go to college for. Think about it at least a little bit.
-  Whatever sex looks like on TV, it's way different in real life. In the beginning, it's awkward for everyone involved. And if it involves more than three people, a kitchen appliance and any livestock whatsoever, it's probably not a good idea.
-  Any passion you have between the ages of 18 and 25 I suggest you pursue with every fiber of your being. Because later it will get harder as you will slowly run out of fiber. If you don't believe me ask your Grandfather about Metamucil.
-  There will always be assholes. Remember: The reason they are assholes is often way worse than how they treat others.
-  Don't be an asshole, unless you're on the phone.
-  If, during your lifetime, you have access to a time machine, travel back in time and give me some kind of gambling tips that will win me a great windfall and make me independently wealthy. If you do this for me, I will buy you toys.

This is all fine advice and I expect you will take it under advisement.


Sincerely,

Uncle Maxx