The Story of Thanksgiving

Have a seat, I am going to tell you the story of the first Thanksgiving...

A long time ago, several boatloads of Pennsylvania Dutch set sail from Europe on a spirit quest to Mecca, as pilgrims tend to do. Due to a grievous navigational error, instead of the Middle East they ended up in a land without spices - America. Or as the natives called it: The United Tribes of Birds and Cats and the Fruit of the Land.

These Amish folk were quite hungry after their long and harrowing journey. They were relieved to find new friends in the Natives, whom they called Indians, who were willing to help them out with food and shelter. Upon being described as Indians, the Natives quickly corrected them, gently but firmly pointing out that they were not from India. The Amish then called them Native Americans, but that was also discarded on the grounds that there was no such thing as America yet. They all eventually settled on Injuns and moved forward.

A large feast was had to welcome the Amish folk, who regaled the Natives with tales about how they belonged to a very prude sect of Christianity. It was a glorious feast with good times had by all... it was so much fun that they all decided that they should hang out again some time.

That time soon came when the Amish knocked on the Natives' door and said; "Oh, hey. It's us, the Pilgrims. From before... remember that dinner party? Right, well we were thinking about making a country with cities and towns out of all this wilderness, wanna come?"

The Natives refused on the basis that the land belongs to the land and cannot be owned by people, and tried to convince the Amish of this. This angered the mighty Amish, who, in retaliation, bombed the Natives with poison blankets and corralled them into large fenced-in areas called Reservations (essentially little pockets of Native people walled off from the rest of society and governed under different control - kind of like the Vatican, only with more casinos and less Popes).

So every year we reenact that meal not only to pay tribute to those brave Pennsylvania Dutch who made cities and towns out of all this wilderness, but also to rub it in to all the Natives who's land was stolen.