Genghis Khan and the Story of the First Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is here and it's time to get stuffed and wander the earth like a craven horde, looting and rioting until the very fabric of civilization winces from the strain. Many think this ritual dates back to when the Pilgrims stormed a beach on Cape Cod in search of curry and other spices, and were served a feast by a gathering of local rubes. The theory is that this, followed by centuries of looting and pillaging, sets the stage for the modern Thanksgiving. Lies! In order to observe The Truth, let us recast our gaze from the 1600's back to 1200 or so, AD. Now open your mind the true first Thanksgiving.

While Genghis Khan's Mongolian horde was trouncing Asia, they naturally reached the Pacific ocean, and immediately took to the sea on outriggers in search of the New World. They sought trade routes, spices, and most importantly, weak cultures to subjugate. The horde made for novice sea-farers, but they were enthusiastic, and sometimes that's enough. They soon found their horses to be ill-equipped for ocean travel—but what they lacked in aquatic prowess, they made up for in flavor, and their skulls made excellent hats.

The ocean is a cruel mistress, and enormous. As the horde traveled and fished, they became weary and despondent. The lack of adversaries made them lonely, and the lack of dry land and potable water took its psychological toll as well. But in time, fortune smiled upon those hapless Mongols. They eventually found dry land in the shape of Hawaii, and to their pleasant surprise, it was inhabited - but not by Hawaiians, as one would expect. No, they came upon the original Polynesian settlers, and those fuckers were hearty.

As the two forces sized each other up it became clear that any conflict would amount to the wholesale eradication of everyone, so a weary truce was established. They all rejoiced. They broke bread. Whole herds of swine were roasted on spits. Many Mai Tai's, Pina Colada's, and, of course, Blue Hawaiian's, were served. It was a great celebration. In the early morning fog of the next day, the Mongolian horde packed up their ships and headed out, waving to their new friends as they drifted off toward Easter Island, where they subsequently landed and pillaged before heading back home to Asia.

And that's the story of the real first Thanksgiving. The end.

Throat Slitting Time - Winning Black Friday

A soldier will fight long and hard for a bit of colored ribbon. 

- Napoleon Bonaparte

Grit your teeth. Hard. Now punch yourself square in the nuts. Okay, off to a good start. Now, the question: Did a prize come out? Some twinkling gizmo of questionable quality? An ill-fitting sweater? An unrefrigerated cheese? If you answered no, then you're probably doing it wrong. I suggest you repeat this several times daily if you want to have any hope of succeeding at Black Friday.

In caveman times, men were simpler. Their appetite for plastic nonsense was low, their craving for branded apparel was near non-existent. They didn't need to fill the caverns of their homes, of their souls, with stuff. In those simpler times, the Black Friday sale merely served as a means to bring harmony to the profit and loss columns of their crudely cut stone tablet balance sheets. And they never had to go to war over it.

Today, though, the siren's song beckons you. An orgy of savings awaits! One must gird himself with a prophylactic ethos in order to see this thing through rightly. It may seem counterintuitive, but I suggest taking a page out of the caveman book and bringing along a heavy wooden club, for it is our ability to use tools which sets us apart from the animals—and if you intend to go foraging for bargains during the holiest of retail communions, you will surely come face to face with some of the gamiest and mange-ridden creatures that god ever turned his back on. And they will thirst for your blood.

No good Black Friday run-up is complete without a zealous overindulging in zombie-themed movies and television. This can really put you in a wonderful headspace for the upcoming melee, remove all fear of death, and desensitize you to violence in such a way that strips all humanity from your future victims. You'll know you're ready when you can truly enjoy turkey and cranberry sauce while watching a YouTube medley of The Top Ten Goriest Zombie Attacks.

Lastly, it's important to go into the fray with a healthy sense of American entitlement. Remember: those limited-supply bargains that you wish to purchase belong to you already. Anyone who would prevent you from retrieving your rightfully-owned property is stealing, and therefore must be punished to within an inch of their life. Happy shopping!