Congratulations on your decision to enter the world of loose social mores and surreptitious sexual activity! The world is your oyster, and oysters are a known aphrodisiac! By having intercourse on the first date, you're making a bold and exciting statement about yourself and taking charge of your sexual destiny! No more watching movies alone! No more sad-looking, contemplative walks past happy couples! No more cat ownership! Increase self-esteem, learn to control others and enjoy free drinks - the power is yours!
The first date is a great time to learn about someone's career, aspirations, hopes and dreams, relationship with their father, favorite safe word, allergies, political affiliation, feelings on religion, etc... but it's also a great time to hold sexual congress! Why waste time not taking it to the next level? How else are you going to find out if He's the one, or if She really loves you? A stitch in time saves nine, but a quick stitch in the sack pays dividends!
Making snap judgments about whether the potential sex partner you've just met is the carrier of one of the slew of sexually transmitted diseases that plague our culture based on such trivial criteria as ethnicity, social stature, complexion, eye bags, bow-leggedness, attire and attractiveness is just one of the fun and interactive activities now at your disposal. There's also the winner-take-all game of self-esteem chicken where you're pitted against your peers to win the attention of a semi-attractive, willing mate. And don't forget kamikaze dating, a strategy where you fling yourself into your favorite meat market, bouncing from potential sex partner to potential sex partner until you've crashed into something. The possibilities are endless!
But you must act now! Every ten years or so there is a brief window when the social concern of safe sex is repealed, and now is that time! You stand at the precipice of greatness - will you get on the bus or will you be left at the station?
Safe sex is not for everyone. Sex with multiple partners, while infinitely more exciting, does put you at risk - one of said partners might be an evil doctor, a known sex-offender, a Republican, a clown, jobless, selfish, suffering from dementia, be in poor dental health, gay, not gay, participating out of spite, homely, etc... Safe sex, while not the safest form of sex according to most Planned Parenthood pamphlets, is still the safest form of sex that should actually be considered sex. Sex, like sword fighting, is an inherently dangerous activity. Like any other dangerous activity, it is advisable to wear the proper attire including, but not limited to: chin guard, mouth guard, athletic supporter, knee socks, shoes with slip-resistant soles, thick shirt or jacket, safety goggles with side shields, impact resistant head protection and ear plugs rated no less NRR33.
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