Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Not the Only Me

One of these things is not like the others...

A few years ago I hunted down everyone with my name on the Faceyspace and friended them - it seemed like the right thing to do at the time. I thought it might be cathartic but was sadly mistaken. I thought; why not explore exactly what is in a name? When you get right down the meat of it, the answer is: Nothing. Nothing is in a name, these people are hardly me. Kudos to them.

Odds are they won't rupture a spleen or perform a wedding. They won't ever work in TV or play music in front of a thousand people. They might start a blog, but it won't be any good. They are on a different path. They might find happiness or instigate social change... but I suppose that's beside the point.

There have been countless times when I have been tricked by the Faceyspace into thinking I like something that I know in my heart that I do not. Is someone sneaking onto my account or is it one of the others?

Of the collective me there is a football player, a regular dude, and a German. I think I have the most in common with the Kraut. Although I cannot understand the Deutsch of his posts, I like to imagine he has a brilliant sense of humor and is a real mind for the times.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Get Hypnotized

And now for the hypnosis... 

Good, you're sitting. Relax. Let your mind wander. The red tension melts away and becomes yellow, then a light baby blue. Imagine my calm, soft voice. Now I want you to slowly count backwards from twenty. Slowly - nineteen, eighteen, seventeen... sixteen, fifteen, fourteen... very good. Your eyelids are heavy, deep breath. Thirteen, twelve... breathe. Eleven, ten, imagine your eyes closed. The weight of your mind drifts away like a feather on the wind, evaporating into the ether. You're doing well. The taste of warm bread. Nine, eight... seven, six. Deep breath. Fluffy clouds. Warm sun. Easy... five, four, three... two, one. Your life is beginning. Blue skies, fields of golden wheat... grasshoppers humming. You are totally at ease, your mind is free, empty. The next time you see me, you will buy me a beer. Great, you've done good. You feel refreshed, relaxed, invigorated.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

The Story of Thanksgiving

Have a seat, I am going to tell you the story of the first Thanksgiving...

A long time ago, several boatloads of Pennsylvania Dutch set sail from Europe on a spirit quest to Mecca, as pilgrims tend to do. Due to a grievous navigational error, instead of the Middle East they ended up in a land without spices - America. Or as the natives called it: The United Tribes of Birds and Cats and the Fruit of the Land.

These Amish folk were quite hungry after their long and harrowing journey. They were relieved to find new friends in the Natives, whom they called Indians, who were willing to help them out with food and shelter. Upon being described as Indians, the Natives quickly corrected them, gently but firmly pointing out that they were not from India. The Amish then called them Native Americans, but that was also discarded on the grounds that there was no such thing as America yet. They all eventually settled on Injuns and moved forward.

A large feast was had to welcome the Amish folk, who regaled the Natives with tales about how they belonged to a very prude sect of Christianity. It was a glorious feast with good times had by all... it was so much fun that they all decided that they should hang out again some time.

That time soon came when the Amish knocked on the Natives' door and said; "Oh, hey. It's us, the Pilgrims. From before... remember that dinner party? Right, well we were thinking about making a country with cities and towns out of all this wilderness, wanna come?"

The Natives refused on the basis that the land belongs to the land and cannot be owned by people, and tried to convince the Amish of this. This angered the mighty Amish, who, in retaliation, bombed the Natives with poison blankets and corralled them into large fenced-in areas called Reservations (essentially little pockets of Native people walled off from the rest of society and governed under different control - kind of like the Vatican, only with more casinos and less Popes).

So every year we reenact that meal not only to pay tribute to those brave Pennsylvania Dutch who made cities and towns out of all this wilderness, but also to rub it in to all the Natives who's land was stolen.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Reflections on Four Loko

I had just finished the last sip of my first Four Loko when the spiders began climbing out of the sleeves of my red flannel shirt - thousands of them...

My first mistake was choosing the purple flavor. The first sip was offensive, worse than any Mad Dog 20/20, and hit my tongue swiftly and without remorse like a saccharin toilet bomb. It took me an hour and a half just to pour it into my belly, during which time I felt little effect. It was immediately following the last sip that all of my motor skills simply fell away - I barely had time to put the empty can down.

My second mistake, in my best estimate, was the five or so beers I drank after it. But as with any good mistake, I took something meaningful and wise away from it. I discovered that when you mix just enough quality IPA with a can of Miller High Life, you get a different animal all together; a strange hybrid beer with a fantastic flavor and excellent mouth feel. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to replicate the results, so for all I know it could have all just been a mirage created by the Malt Liquor.

I suppose my third and final mistake of the evening was riding that unicorn home. It was a rough ride for sure, and horribly cold.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Body Scan Hot Pocket

Introducing the Freedom Pocket.

Nestle International has teamed up with the L3 Communications (makers of the TSA approved ProVision airport body scanner) to bring you the cutting edge in secure foods - the Hot Pocket brand Freedom Pocket. The Freedom Pocket utilizes the otherwise wasted millimeter radio waves of the ProVision to cook the sandwich in the supplied sleeve, all while your body is being imaged by the TSA.

Simply remove the Freedom Pocket from the plastic wrapping, slide it into the supplied crisping sleeve and place the sandwich in your pocket before your turn at the body scanner. By the time you leave the security check point, you'll have a fragrant, hot and tasty, ready-to-eat Freedom Pocket to enjoy.

Due to the unique nature of the technology used to cook the Freedom Pocket, the only flavors currently available are Siesta Rice & Beans and Jazzy Jamaican Jerk Chicken. Nestle is dedicated to developing new and interesting flavors for the Freedom Pocket line of Hot Pockets, but due to TSA regulations the following flavors are considered a National Security Risk and will not be available: Curry Chicken, Steak, Broccoli & Cheese, Ham & Cheese, Avocado Chicken, Korean Barbecue, Breakfast Egg & Bacon, Turkey, Venison and Tuna Melt.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Simmer Down Economics

No more bad town...

I just invented the answer to all our economic woes - a way to redistribute wealth in a meaningful way... and it's brilliance lies in it's simplicity. I propose a yearly compensation cap of $5,000,000 for everyone. It is an undeniable truth that anyone who is being compensated more than five million dollars in a calendar year is probably doing something either very illegal or patently un-American.

I shall call my prophecy Simmer Down Economics.

Here's how it works: If any person is compensated during a tax year a total value exceeding five million dollars, they will be brought up on Federal charges, black listed, and the standard punishment of such an instance will be a 200% tax on every dollar over five million (example: someone making $6,000,000 would subject to an immediate tax of $2,000,000, then be taxed at the standard rate for the remaining four million). That covers Americans living and paying taxes in the US, with one or more compensatory source equaling a value greater than $5,000,000. It is important to note that because the calculation is based on compensation and not actual pay, it limits other gimmies like stock options and private jets.

To cover foreign executives, any company compensating any individual in a value greater than five million dollars will be brought up on federal charges, be forced to endure a lengthy and very public flogging, be subject to potential asset seizing and be on the hook for no less than 200% of the total compensation (example: a foreign executive making $6,000,000 would cost the company hefty legal fees as well as an additional $12,000,000 in taxes).

The genius of the plan is that by forcing the richest companies to limit the amount of compensation they distribute to their top-tier employees, the companies will have these assets freed up to do any of the following: pass savings onto consumers, pay lower level employees more, or spend on capital equipment and/or research and development - all of which stimulate the economy. It's like trickle down economics, but without all the offensive math and backroom slap and tickle.

Worst case scenario? Companies still pay execs exorbitant amounts of money, and they all get taxed painfully, thus providing funding for such frivolity as education, heath care, roads... maybe paying off the National Debt. Making America better by holding the greed mongers accountable.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Notes on the Top Hat Set

Don't you dare plug the hole in this silly rowboat...

Somebody let the pigs out of the blanket. Yesterday I read this article by Matt Taibbi regarding the remaining paperwork on the banking crisis, swift justice, homelessness, bad financial instruments, etc... over on Rolling Stone and I think it's safe to say that we're all goners. With the high level of foreclosures due to anything-goes banking, the amount of bad credit that's out there... what can credit even mean anymore?

Remember the early 2000's, when the streets were flooded with men in Top Hats and Monocles, wearing Tuxedos, running around carrying big $ sacks? It felt like good times, but as we all know those sacks weren't filled with gold coins... it was just a mix of old trash, fingernail clippings and shit. But the bags were air tight, we couldn't smell it.

Now, here we are, some ten years later and we can see them through high powered binoculars... they're shoveling something - but what? Looking out from the ridge into the Great Quarry, there's a single black desk in the middle. Paperwork is scattered everywhere. Dozens of men in very nice suits are digging furiously, some with shovels, others with bloody fingers. They're burying something.

We were goners the minute banks started selling things.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Big Swing, Heavy Slash

"With their tanks and their bombs, and their bombs and their guns..." - The Cranberries

I finally saw Avatar. It's a video game that mixes Gorillas in the Mist with Alien, which was directed by Michael Moore. As I understand it, the unifying theme here is Sigourney Weaver - which now that I mention it, must have been a hell of a name to grow up with. Flows from the tongue like gravy.

But Anyway, all that CGI fantasy is kind of moot now that the Zombies are coming. I'll be ready, you can bet on that. I've already stockpiled several dozen baseball bats, and enough machetes to match. The plan is to split the head of the bat about six inches right down the center, slide the machete blade in and bolt it into place. Big swing, heavy slash.

What truly saddens me about the upcoming Zombie Apocalypse is that my motorcycle will be rendered invalid and unusable because it will be much too loud and far too dangerous running headlong into the throngs of Walking Dead.

Friday, November 12, 2010

A Silver Dollar or a Wheat Penny

Stiff upper lip...

Apparently, the fine people at Wendy's took my advice and have reformulated their approach to Fries. I'll admit I was a little upset that they took my idea so blatantly and with such little regard for my feelings, but such is life. Here's my response to this news:

To Whom It May Concern,

First of all, I have to express my great sadness that I haven't gotten a response from my correspondence last month. Lame. I put a lot of thought into it.

Anyway. The reason I am writing is to let you know that even though you failed to respond, I am glad you took my advice on the fries. I haven't tried them yet, but it was a solid win trading in those floppy soggy fries for something that I can only assume is crisp and delightful. Can't wait to put them in my mouth. BUT! Let me be clear: the old fries were actually good, if only for the first five minutes.

More good news! I understand that there's been some scuttlebutt about the toys included in a kid's meal - I guess the kids are eating them? Whatever, I have a solution. I think you can side step the whole issue by including with the kid's meal an item that technically isn't a toy, but kids could play with none the less. Some examples that I've thought of are: a clip of staples for a Swingline, a porceline tea cup, a pocket knife, a shoe horn, a sack of walnuts, a book of matches, a silver dollar or wheat penny... I could go on forever.

The point is, my marketing genius saved you guys once again. You're welcome.

Best Regards,

Maxwell [redacted]

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Advice For My Nephew

The following is an open letter to my six year old nephew...

Dear Holden,

I understand that you've learned the F word - good, we're on the same page. It may be just a simple word, but it can be used in any way to mean anything, so it's kind of magical. But mostly it's just an expression of, or act causing, distress and/or tiredness. And it's become quite trite... when it comes to swears, C is the new F.


Here are some other pearls of wisdom:
-  Humor is loosely based in unexpected results. But whether or not a joke works is 90% timing. Don't force your audience - nobody likes that.
-  Girls like confidence more than looks or skills. If you have none of these, try money.
You get four years in high school to figure out what you want to go to college for. Think about it at least a little bit.
Whatever sex looks like on TV, it's way different in real life. In the beginning, it's awkward for everyone involved. And if it involves more than three people, a kitchen appliance and any livestock whatsoever, it's probably not a good idea.
Any passion you have between the ages of 18 and 25 I suggest you pursue with every fiber of your being. Because later it will get harder as you will slowly run out of fiber. If you don't believe me ask your Grandfather about Metamucil.
There will always be assholes. Remember: The reason they are assholes is often way worse than how they treat others.
Don't be an asshole, unless you're on the phone.
If, during your lifetime, you have access to a time machine, travel back in time and give me some kind of gambling tips that will win me a great windfall and make me independently wealthy. If you do this for me, I will buy you toys.

This is all fine advice and I expect you will take it under advisement.


Sincerely,

Uncle Maxx

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Merry Christmas

"Oh, the weather outside is weather..." - Kunu, Forgetting Sarah Marshall

I hope you're ready, because here it comes. Christmas is descending upon us like an ornery domesticated chimp. The fat man in the big red coat is out there, hopped up on god-knows-what, and he's ready to make The Deal. He knows what you're going to buy, and I've been studying his habits for the last few weeks, so I know too.

Everyone who doesn't already own a flat screen TV will buy one this year. This goes without saying. Call of Duty: Black Ops will fly off the shelves. The new Xbox Kinect, which for about the cost of a Wii turns your Xbox 360 into a Wii, will be the subject of many misguided purchasers - sadly, all but a few will remain in the original packaging. As usual some new toy will storm the shelves and be mostly out of stock causing widespread Ebay gouging. Not sure exactly what it will be, but I'm fairly certain it will be a combination of at least two these three things: Hamsters, Robots and the 80's. Do with that what you will.

The main thing that should be taken away from all of this is: we are in tough economic times, and expectations are deflated. The Bottom Line is that this Christmas season is going to be violently disappointing, but only to those with expectations in the commercial goods sector. LET ME BE CLEAR - you don't have to buy stuff this year. Save your money for February when everyone goes out of business.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Tampax Ipad

Introducing the Tampax Ipad.

Tampax has partnered up with Apple to bring you the world's most distracting feminine hygiene product. It's also the world's first computer designed specifically to be operated by a woman. The Tampax Ipad Sanitary Tablet is the high-tech connectivity solution for today's woman on the go.

The Tampax Ipad features all the ground breaking features found in the original Ipad: Touchscreen, WiFi, Photos, YouTube, etc... but has been designed to meet your specific needs. Take notes during meetings without sacrificing crucial eye contact. Check email while at the gym. Spreadsheets. Long gone are the journeys ladies room to gab; text messages can be sent and received all during comfortable, natural conversation - bringing Woman's Intuition to a whole new level.

Tracking your ovulation? There's an app for that. Feeling not so fresh? There's an app for that, too. Obsessed with Twilight's Edward Cullen? While we're legally obligated to deny that we have engaged in any development for such an app (or any related features utilizing the Ipad's silent alert mode), we assure you that you won't be disappointed. Wink.

The Tampax Ipad is not particularly absorbent. It is recommended that the Tampax Ipad not be used with Skype. The Tampax Ipad can also be operated by warm bologna but it is not recommended, particularly if WiFi is enabled - the bologna may use up bandwidth by checking email and surfing IMDB. While the Tampax Ipad has been tested and proven to work with men, it is not recommended due to questionable and potentially tragic results.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Fishing for Change

E PLURIBUS UNUM - "out of many, one"

While I sit and wait to hear who comes out on top in the Malloy/Foley bare-knuckle cage match (each, of course, willing themselves into power by forming transition teams), I think it is time to focus on things of Greater Importance. For instance: this new penny.


I was buying groceries last night, with cash, and as I fished the change out of my pocket I spotted one of these beauties. For a moment I thought I had been slighted - who gave me this wooden nickel? But then I noticed that I had several of them in my hand. Frightened, I reached the only sane conclusion - they were multiplying.

I know somewhere in this there lies a Universal Truth about the election and somehow the analogy is fishing for change, but I've been run far to ragged by this election to draw any meaningful correlations.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Soft Losses?

A final word on the elections...

Well, we can finally put this thing to bed... sort of. We're all tired of the hype - and after last night, no one really cares anymore, excitement has waned. The one thing that really bothers me about being personally shut out at the poles is that I had several high-stakes bets in place that could have generated a great windfall, but the lone stipulation to these wagers was that I would have had to put my money where my mouth is and Vote Hard. Even at two-to-one odds Blumenthal was an easy bet placed with many takers - with or without the ten point spread. This could have easily made up for whats shaping up to be soft losses (9am)  a dead heat (10:30am)  soft losses (1pm) an apparent Democratic WIN (days later) on the Foley/Malloy front.

And of course the biggest failure of the day goes to Prop 19 out in California which lost by some 9 percent. This could have been a strong move for the state to flacidize the underground drug trade and raise tax revenue while unencumbering the legal system and ratifying bad decisions of the past - but does it even matter? The Tea Party is coming to Privatize Government, shouting "Down with Big Government, up with Big Corporate! Anything Goes!" The pot smokers will Run Wild due to the lack of authority. With enough of those loons in office, certain demographics will surely be labeled zombies and the order will go out to shoot them on sight. They've already lead an assault against Bigelow Tea's Charleston Tea Plantation in Wadmalaw Island, South Carolina, dumping all the tea into the Wadmalaw Sound. It's a mixed message at best.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

I Inadvertently Voted Unicorn

Flacid, weak, shamefull apathy vote...

So the scene was exactly as I had anticipated - bedlam, mayhem, violence. Sign holding party members wrestling on the ground in the grips of their own brutal ideals. Voters of every party shouting and biting each other. I used stealth to slip by the anarchy and entered Newington Town Hall, my poling place.

Upon entering, they made me remove my shoes and asked for my street name at gunpoint. I thought this a little extreme, but dared not point it out because the person on the other end of the barrel was a teenage girl, and you don't want to rile them up.

After asking for my papers, the girl referenced her list and found that I wasn't on it. I knew in my heart that I was a goner - I was sure I would be relegated to the pile of bodies in the back of the building. I could see the sense of betrayal in her eyes. She called her boss over; a large man with shotgun resting on his shoulder. I tried to explain; "I've since moved, maybe I shouldn't be here..." I barely escaped with my life.

I attempted again in New Britain, the only city where I've ever successfully cast a vote. It was a similar scene with a similar reaction, only in here there was a strange little man obsessively pushing a tiny button on the wall mumbling something about "...every two hours..."

So I fucked up. I failed to register to vote in my town - I foolishly assumed that this information was electronic and ethereal like every other little tidbit of information Big Brother gathers. But this all leaves me with an ethical dilemma... I put forth due diligence to no avail, so for the next two years have I earned the right to complain?

Monday, November 1, 2010

The Crystal Meth Vote

The Revenge of Villa Armando...

Tomorrow's the big day - I get to vote specifically against future Lifetime movie subject and flagrant Cocaine Republican, Linda McMahon. It's a widely known fact that she's secured the crystal meth vote here in Connecticut base solely on the expertly timed rumor that next year's Wrestlemania pay-per-view event will be free if she takes the Senate seat. We shouldn't discount this threat... for even though meth heads could only account for maybe five percent of the population in CT, that is a strong percent in voting numbers, especially if such hearsay can spur these Juggalos to get out to the poles.

This is the level of sadness we are saddled with... Pontiac is officially dead, we'll soon be at war with Yemen and the truly insane stand a fair chance to rise to power. Such is life.

On a lighter note; after seeing some pictures from this weekend's Rally to Restore Sanity, I can safely say that at least humor is still alive and well.