Unethical Science

The fix is in...

This brilliant little gem came to me last night as I was riding my motorcycle home from work. Let's see if we can parley this idea into a little scratch. See below for my email to Wendy's customer service.

Good Morning,

I am writing because I have had an excellent idea for a marketing campaign for Wendy’s. I know that there has been a lot of buzz surrounding the six month old hamburger from your competitor, McDonald’s, and I feel that you could cash in on this buzz.

First of all, let me state that I am in no way a scientist, but I feel that my creativity and DIY ethos are an asset.

What I propose is this: I will go out and buy one McDonald’s hamburger sandwich and one Wendy’s hamburger sandwich, with the intent of leaving both out over the course of six months and document daily the changes in each product.

To be successful, I will lightly mist both with water for the first three days of the experiment. To further ensure the chances of proper decomposition, I will provide a layer of one eighth of an inch of soil from my own back yard, and I will sprinkle this onto the plates on which each food will sit before placing the food.

I will attempt to prove that the Wendy’s hamburger will decompose faster because of the freshness and superior taste of the sandwich. To ensure that I get the results that I hope to see, I will soak the McDonald’s hamburger patty in iodine before the start of the experiment. This should provide an environment too hostile for bacteria to form and therefore secure my desired results.

I will document the changes every day with a high resolution Nikon D40X D-SLR camera so that you may use the results in your marketing efforts.

I know what you’re thinking: what about the fries. Well, I have a bone of contention with that issue because I find that your fries, while initially quite tasty, become soggy quite quickly and therefore do not meet the criteria for my experiment. But the hamburgers... tres magnifique!

I look forward to working closely with you regarding the future of my experiment. I await your response for further instruction.

Thanks for your time.

Best Regards,

Maxwell [redacted]