Look, there’s no easy way to say this: you missed the boat. And now you wait on the bread lines like all the other saps who didn’t have the good sense to get in while it was hot. Those were heady times, a few months ago. Why, the Bitcoins cost mere pennies, and don’t get me started on the Ethereums… they fell to earth like feathers from an angel’s wings. But you missed big. There, I said it; we can move past that now.
I know what you’re thinking - you’re the only chump who didn’t bet the farm and win it all, and you’re probably right. But that doesn’t mean it’s too late - far from it! The finance gurus will try to tell you that it was all a crazy dream; “Tulips!” they’ll shout, their faces turning purple, eyes bulging, veins protruding, the very seams of their skin threatening to burst with rage. It’s impressive, it’s convincing, but it’s not warning enough for the savvy investor.
Heavies like Buffet know better than placing their name too strongly in the for or against column, because it's just too early to tell; and nobody wants to sound like that idiot Jamie Dimon, who openly told investors that he’d rather throw is money right in the toilet - or worse, give it to the needy - than to bet a bill on these ponies. He backpedaled, of course, much to his very public shame.
But the financial elite have a different code, a different set of rules by which they operate. In that structure there’s no room for anyone to thrash about in wild speculation, except the hedge fund managers whose ancient rituals cause them to twitch about in a way that somehow resembles the wild gyrations of a peacock in heat, just to make it rain cash. No, making vast fortunes from instruments and futures as meaningless as the used betting slips that litter the grounds outside of a Hoboken dog track is their turf, and any rival gang that tries to peddle the same gag gets dealt with, West Side Story style.
The point is, that little man in your tummy who’s telling you to heed their warnings, to take it easy, to play it safe - you tell that bozo to pound sand. That’s no way to live anyway. Once you shake off that feeling, you can do anything. So, first-things-first, let’s talk assets.
Savings is a good place to start. This has traditionally been a place where money goes to die. With current interest rates doing such a poor job keeping up with inflation, it’s a grossly negligent investor who keeps money stored this way. Let’s fix that straight away. Once you’ve flushed every cent out of your savings, I recommend putting it right into Monero - it’s the one that criminals use, so it must be good.
Many investors first get their feet wet choosing from a smattering of funds offered by their company’s 401K retirement benefit program. This is a great store of wealth that, like savings, mostly just sits there, despondent like Sylvia Plath, waiting for retirement and the sweet respite of death. Time to let those bucks boogie! For a mere 10% penalty (and applicable taxes), you can siphon the juices off of your future for the wealth today! In the spirit of the balance and variety that a properly administered 401K program offers, I recommend putting these funds into a mix of 50% vanilla cryptos (Bitcoin, Ethereum, Litecoin, Ripple, etc.), and the other 50% in fun outliers like Verge, Siacoin, NEM, Funfair, Bitbean, etc. - maybe even some PowerLedger if you’re a bro. Taking this approach is a healthy way to honor the spirit of what was once a lavish and nourishing retirement program.
I will admit, there’s a lot of bad advice out there when it comes to getting really deep into the cryptos. A lot of the real serious geeks may even propose that you follow a similar plan to that outlined above - and why not, it worked for them. They showed up early, ponied up at the nickel slots, and now they have their yachts. But those on the outside looking to get into it late in the game are faced with an uphill battle. And when the whole table bets on red, you better be the one who bets on black or else what’s the point? Now it’s time to pull out the big guns. There’s a line in the sand. Wheat, chaff. Men. Boys.
The American Dream often revolves around the notion of a family, a car, any number of large-format meats sweating out the antibiotics under the unforgiving kilojoules of your oven in the kitchen of your very own home, which you are somewhere in the midst of your prescribed 30 years of indentured servitude struggling to pay off. Yes, the home - that last bastion of value in the modern citizen’s net worth. Banks will fork over the big bucks for almost any reason at all if you’re willing to put your house in hock to get your filthy mitts on it. Any reason except the willfully irresponsible endeavor of getting big into the cryptos. A bank manager once told me in the confines of a dirty roadhouse with no washroom on the outskirts of Lawrence, KS that he’d sooner sign off on a loan for a significant amount of fentanyl-laced heroin than Bitcoin, no matter the collateral. “Once they get into that stuff,” he said, sweating like a man who had battled these demons himself, “they lose all sensation in their fingers and constantly check values against the major exchanges. It’s a sickness.” So remodeling - tell the bank it’s for remodeling, they’d never turn down a well-adjusted individual such as yourself who simply wants to improve the value of their primary investment.
Because the risks involved with taking money against your home are so significant, you can only truly honor and respect that risk by going balls deep on some seriously questionable and risky cryptos. For this purpose, I like Dogecoin. It was created as a joke, which by definition makes it a double-negative, a fake-fake currency. Therefore, as a value-positive asset, it theoretically holds more real value than any other crypto. I once saw a t-shirt with the caption “GO BIG OR GO HOME”. While I hated it at the time, and the guy who wore its mullet and his general demeanor and lack of sleeves, and his girlfriend’s matching mullet and lack of sleeves, I must admit - the logic stands to reason. And now is the time. Why toil? The worst that could happen is you lose it all - but even in the event of a catastrophic loss you will in fact gain, in short order, the sagest investment wisdom of all. But who am I kidding, with this fool-proof plan, there is no losing, only winning. Audentes Fortuna iuvat.
I know what you’re thinking - you’re the only chump who didn’t bet the farm and win it all, and you’re probably right. But that doesn’t mean it’s too late - far from it! The finance gurus will try to tell you that it was all a crazy dream; “Tulips!” they’ll shout, their faces turning purple, eyes bulging, veins protruding, the very seams of their skin threatening to burst with rage. It’s impressive, it’s convincing, but it’s not warning enough for the savvy investor.
Heavies like Buffet know better than placing their name too strongly in the for or against column, because it's just too early to tell; and nobody wants to sound like that idiot Jamie Dimon, who openly told investors that he’d rather throw is money right in the toilet - or worse, give it to the needy - than to bet a bill on these ponies. He backpedaled, of course, much to his very public shame.
But the financial elite have a different code, a different set of rules by which they operate. In that structure there’s no room for anyone to thrash about in wild speculation, except the hedge fund managers whose ancient rituals cause them to twitch about in a way that somehow resembles the wild gyrations of a peacock in heat, just to make it rain cash. No, making vast fortunes from instruments and futures as meaningless as the used betting slips that litter the grounds outside of a Hoboken dog track is their turf, and any rival gang that tries to peddle the same gag gets dealt with, West Side Story style.
The point is, that little man in your tummy who’s telling you to heed their warnings, to take it easy, to play it safe - you tell that bozo to pound sand. That’s no way to live anyway. Once you shake off that feeling, you can do anything. So, first-things-first, let’s talk assets.
Savings is a good place to start. This has traditionally been a place where money goes to die. With current interest rates doing such a poor job keeping up with inflation, it’s a grossly negligent investor who keeps money stored this way. Let’s fix that straight away. Once you’ve flushed every cent out of your savings, I recommend putting it right into Monero - it’s the one that criminals use, so it must be good.
Many investors first get their feet wet choosing from a smattering of funds offered by their company’s 401K retirement benefit program. This is a great store of wealth that, like savings, mostly just sits there, despondent like Sylvia Plath, waiting for retirement and the sweet respite of death. Time to let those bucks boogie! For a mere 10% penalty (and applicable taxes), you can siphon the juices off of your future for the wealth today! In the spirit of the balance and variety that a properly administered 401K program offers, I recommend putting these funds into a mix of 50% vanilla cryptos (Bitcoin, Ethereum, Litecoin, Ripple, etc.), and the other 50% in fun outliers like Verge, Siacoin, NEM, Funfair, Bitbean, etc. - maybe even some PowerLedger if you’re a bro. Taking this approach is a healthy way to honor the spirit of what was once a lavish and nourishing retirement program.
I will admit, there’s a lot of bad advice out there when it comes to getting really deep into the cryptos. A lot of the real serious geeks may even propose that you follow a similar plan to that outlined above - and why not, it worked for them. They showed up early, ponied up at the nickel slots, and now they have their yachts. But those on the outside looking to get into it late in the game are faced with an uphill battle. And when the whole table bets on red, you better be the one who bets on black or else what’s the point? Now it’s time to pull out the big guns. There’s a line in the sand. Wheat, chaff. Men. Boys.
The American Dream often revolves around the notion of a family, a car, any number of large-format meats sweating out the antibiotics under the unforgiving kilojoules of your oven in the kitchen of your very own home, which you are somewhere in the midst of your prescribed 30 years of indentured servitude struggling to pay off. Yes, the home - that last bastion of value in the modern citizen’s net worth. Banks will fork over the big bucks for almost any reason at all if you’re willing to put your house in hock to get your filthy mitts on it. Any reason except the willfully irresponsible endeavor of getting big into the cryptos. A bank manager once told me in the confines of a dirty roadhouse with no washroom on the outskirts of Lawrence, KS that he’d sooner sign off on a loan for a significant amount of fentanyl-laced heroin than Bitcoin, no matter the collateral. “Once they get into that stuff,” he said, sweating like a man who had battled these demons himself, “they lose all sensation in their fingers and constantly check values against the major exchanges. It’s a sickness.” So remodeling - tell the bank it’s for remodeling, they’d never turn down a well-adjusted individual such as yourself who simply wants to improve the value of their primary investment.
Because the risks involved with taking money against your home are so significant, you can only truly honor and respect that risk by going balls deep on some seriously questionable and risky cryptos. For this purpose, I like Dogecoin. It was created as a joke, which by definition makes it a double-negative, a fake-fake currency. Therefore, as a value-positive asset, it theoretically holds more real value than any other crypto. I once saw a t-shirt with the caption “GO BIG OR GO HOME”. While I hated it at the time, and the guy who wore its mullet and his general demeanor and lack of sleeves, and his girlfriend’s matching mullet and lack of sleeves, I must admit - the logic stands to reason. And now is the time. Why toil? The worst that could happen is you lose it all - but even in the event of a catastrophic loss you will in fact gain, in short order, the sagest investment wisdom of all. But who am I kidding, with this fool-proof plan, there is no losing, only winning. Audentes Fortuna iuvat.
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