Part 2 of Bad Advice #1

Open Discourse - that's what this is all about. Here's a response from yesterday's Bad Advice:

Maxx,
First, thank you for feeling slight angst. Your answer did match the level of angst I was feeling about the situation myself. Never saw tire valve core remover and Alka-Seltzer coming but it surely had an Office Space kind of feel to it. We most certainly appreciate the bad advice it made us laugh. And you may want to anticipate finding a breaking story on the local 5 o'clock news.

However, I could use some more bad advice. The company blackmailing me into working has a requirement to drug screen... Yes, let that sink in. They are black mailing, AND requiring a drug test. And the drug testing kit has arrived via FedEx. And I must drop it off at the testing center in which I must pay for out of my own pocket. Now all the moral fiber in my body says pee dirty and I'm off the hook, however what about unemployment? Could your next bit of bad advice make mention of a Molotov cocktail?

Whether you respond to this or not. I did want to share with you the on going absurdity and truly can not wait for child labor laws to be en vogue once again.
-Anonymous

Anonymous,
You are in a unique position - the ball is in your court, as they say in sports, which is kind of misleading because if the ball isn't in your court, it's out of bounds, and that's not really the spirit of the phrase... but I digress. The ball is in your court, and you can take this opportunity to create an advantage. Give the bastards what they want.

The first thing you need to do is procure another FedEx shipping pak from your local FedEx Shipping Center. You'll want the sealable plastic one - not a paper or cardboard shipper. Here's where you could go one of two ways - either stick to the moral fibers you spoke of and piss dirty, or stick it to science and find a pregnant woman or dog to pee for you. This will ensure that the pee is, scientifically, not yours. I have a feeling that the source of the sample will be moot, though.

Open the kit and immediately discard any instructions. Secure the sample, from whichever source you choose, in the provided cup. If the kit doesn't come with a cup this is fine - simply use a salad dressing size tupperware container or a babyfood jar with a lid. You'll probably want to wear rubber kitchen gloves, as this will get messy. Regardless of the type of container, when filling it you'll want to make sure you get a little bit of pee on the outside. It shouldn't be soaked with piss, mind you, just misted - in much the same way one might add a whisper of sweet vermouth to an otherwise dry martini. When complete, securely fasten the lid. Place the specimen in the FedEx mailer, and ship it to the hiring manager*.

For added professionalism, you may want to put a strip of masking tape on the side of the container so that you may label it with your name using a permanent marker.

Good luck with that.
-Maxx

* I would be remiss if I didn't mention that FedEx is very adamant about not shipping liquids in the FedEx Paks. Disregard this rule.