Monday, March 28, 2011

Revenge of Thunderpuss

Under direct orders from the Wild Beast Tamer we keep on retainer to deal with such things, we've put our hundred pound cat, Thunderpuss, on a diet. That rat bastard went as far as to outline the hidden costs associated with completely cutting the beast off from food altogether and simply letting her hunt; describing the woes of some poor fool who's critter went into full-on liver melt down from what I can only guess was a gross lack of protein and extreme build-up of uric acid in the veins. Having only asked how much to feed her, this extreme response was unsettling, but what did I expect - the man had only one eye and lost both of his feet to diabetes years ago.

Since then, we've cut her intake in half - down to 3 lbs of raw London broil a day, and only one neighborhood child a week as a lite snack. But it's not all peaches and cream... lately, she's been seen wandering aimlessly with a glazed look in her eye, smelling the air. She's looking for prey - just last night she pounced, came within inches of my face and nearly overtook me. I wouldn't have made it out alive if I hadn't conjured up a pure, dominant, alpha presence. Our poor dog doesn't stand a chance.

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