Everyone Was Cavemans

Happy Earthmas 2011!

As we get ready to take up arms for our annual New Year's Flogging, let us reflect on the truth, as ugly as it may be. New Year's is really just Christmas Part II. I know what's reluctantly about to slip from your quivering lips: But New Year's is Non-Denominational, and is therefore Atheistically Sacred! Well, I call Bullshit... we measure years in relation to Jesus. AD. Anno Domini. In the year of our lord.

And it seems that just before Jesus, BC, everyone was cavemans. Perhaps Jesus came along and waved his magic dinner at some neanderthals and Poof, civilization. Probably not, but he did come along and we did start counting. Now we're up to about 2011.

In thinking about this, I decided to google Jesus Year. Turns out it's an actual thing, and I'm about a year and a half away from mine - which fills me with sadness juice. Such is life.

Anyway, all that is moot as long as we get indigestion from the many gallons of champagne, make noise, drop balls and play kissy-face with strangers. That's what New Year's Eve is all about, right? Here's to new beginnings, old beginnings, bygones, resolutions, etc... Watch out for the fuzz, keep your head on straight and look out for those with herpes - because at the end of the count-down it's no holds barred and you're one greasy smooch away from starting 2011 off with a hefty Valtrex bill.

How to Survive the Holiday Season

By the time you read this, it will be too late...

For many, the holiday season can be a time of great rejoicing (this profound mass psychological imbalance was caused some years ago by a rogue voodoo priest who cursed the winter solstice). For the rest of us, however, the holidays descend like a Chinese Dragon, breathing fire and destroying everything we love. The following survival guide should be laminated and kept in your wallet.

The Company Christmas Holiday Party - It's a Trap!

For the uninitiated, the Company Holiday Party seems like a great opportunity to rub elbows with higher-ups and get some good team player or company man points. This line of thinking is flawed, and it's exactly what they want you to believe. If they really wanted to rub elbows with you, why do they have clipboards, and why are they making notes on your conversations? Why then, as the night goes on, are they watching angrily from behind a bottle of Old Grand Dad whiskey?

Be warned - this is when they decide how to thin out the herd. The libations are just fool's juice, and this is the Great Test. Fun Fact: 90% of Corporate Management carries a concealed Taser during holiday parties to keep the rowdy worker bees at bay, and for quick egress from boring conversations. Most work related tasings occur between December 20th and January 1st.

Shopping - The Deadliest Game

Being out on the road, traveling from store to store hunting for bargains - this is when you are most at risk... you are not the only hunter. There is an unknown active ingredient in most commercial egg nog and egg nog flavored products that causes severe psychotic lapses in approximately 70% of the population. Some symptoms include irritability, sudden rage, disorientation, loss of hearing, and an insatiable lust for human blood.

Add to this the profound sensory overload of the commercial jungle of the average shopping mall or Walmart, and you've got an army of blood-crazy, red bulled, shop-til-you-drop, free-range soccer moms charging headlong into battle with the heads of the fallen on poles, smeared with entrails. Fun Fact: Most holiday related deaths aren't the result of frantic parents curb-stomping each other to get the last Cabbage Patch doll or Fondle Me Elmo... for the past ten years, the leading cause of holiday related death has been disgruntled children garroting their sleeping parents for not getting them the season's hottest toy.

Consider yourselves warned. My advice? Hunker down and drink heavily, and just maybe, by some stroke of luck or even an act of god, you might just make it to 2011 alive.

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Pocket Kanye

Introducing the Pocket Kanye - the world's first travel-sized Kanye West. Kanye's dropped out of college and into your pocket! At a mere 4.5" tall, Pocket Kanye is short on stature but big on cred!

Pocket Kanye is perfect for use in the home or office. Invite Pocket Kanye to dinner parties. Tell Pocket Kanye your secrets. Use Pocket Kanye to interrupt boring conversations. Follow Pocket Kanye on Twitter. Pocket Kanye may be larger than life, but he's gentle enough for everyday use.

Each Pocket Kanye comes equipped with: venetian blind sunglasses, fashionable printed t-shirt, varsity jacket, questionable jewelry, denim trousers and Attitude!

Are you sick and tired of waiting on line to get into that hip new club? No problem - Pocket Kanye is on the guest list! Trouble with the ladies? As Pocket Kanye's Wingman you can enjoy his high quality cast-asides! Streets is tough? Pocket Kanye's got your back!

Auto-Tune not included. Pocket Kanye is not for everyone. Pocket Kanye is not recommend for use by teenage girls as they may become pregnant with child. Pocket Kanye was developed by a team of scientists by splicing Kanye West and Leprechaun DNA. To that end, Pocket Kanye is to be considered Irish for both Legal and Tax purposes. Pocket Kanye does not suffer fools. Do not crush Pocket Kanye. Pocket Kanye will not, under any circumstances, let you finish. It is not advisable to bring Pocket Kanye to Disney World, as he has a lifetime ban and may result in your forcible expulsion. Kanye West is no Q-Tip. Pocket Kanye may challenge you, at any time, to a game of his choosing. Should Pocket Kanye win the challenge, he is considered free and may choose to move back to one of his many luxurious homes. If at any point Pocket Kanye becomes wise to your games, Pocket Kanye will likely smack a bitch.

Five Mrs. Claus'!

The story of Christmas as told by the lawn decorations at the house down the street...

Once there was a fanciful baby Jesus who lived in a small town in Connecticut. So fancy was he that a crowd of five gathered around his West-Side manger where they were mesmerized into staring at him for all of December. DCF had taken the month off, so his cheeky bare-assedness brought no question upon the fitness of his parents.

This spectacle drew the Three Wise Snowmen out of hiding, who had journeyed from some distant land like Taiwan or Korea. They came bearing gifts such as Frankincense, Myrrh, and Penguins. When they arrived at the manger, there was trouble afoot - there had been a threat from the North. Seven Santas had descended upon the manger and tried to smoke out the sweet little baby Jesus by blasting fifty year old Christmas music all day and all night, Koresh/Waco/Davidian style.

The Snowmen and Penguins fought valiantly against the seven deadly Santas, six sacks of presents, FIVE MRS. CLAUS'! Four tannenbaums, three glowing reindeer, two inflated Homers and an army of elves and barber poles.

How to Karate a Cyclist

As a pedestrian, it may become necessary to dispatch an arrogant or smug cyclist. It's happened to the best of us; a brisk walk on a glorious, crisp autumn day is suddenly changed dramatically and without warning by someone riding a fixed gear bicycle, perhaps through a puddle, bullying you off your path. The speed with which the rider passes is an insult to your pedestrianity, and should be considered an attempt to shame and humiliate you.

I mention fixed gear cyclists specifically because they are a special breed - they achieve a sense of superiority and authenticity though excessive, inefficient leg pumping. It is important to note that deep in their hearts they are cynics, so they have a considerable weakness. When taking down a fixie, try using that to your advantage. Bear in mind that these techniques will be equally effective against other types of cyclists, including mountain bikers and bmxers.

First assess the cyclist. When you knock someone off a bicycle, they will typically become irate and/or discourteous. Will the rider's size or demeanor be an issue when they confront you on foot? If so, it might be best to wait for the next one. Always assume above average leg strength.

When you've found an acceptable cyclist, remember Newton's first law of motion: An object in motion stays in motion unless acted upon by an unbalanced force. As the cyclist approaches, scream loudly and lunge directly at them in a twitchy, wild motion - be the unbalanced force. As long as you block their path, it isn't necessary to make contact... this experience won't be typical of an afternoon's ride and should be sufficient to throw the cyclist off balance, causing a crash.

Often times, the surprise dismount will be satisfactory in appeasing one's desire for carnage, what with the skinned knee and bruised ribs. But what of the cyclist who commands a more dramatic experience? Play dirty. Throw dirt in the cyclist's eyes, or kick wildly at his balls. You've already knocked him off his bike, why fight clean now?

Republican Party Vs. 9/11 First Responders

The following letter was slid under my door by WikiLeaks founder, Julian Assange, with this note attached:

Dear Maxx,

I've turned to you because I appreciate and respect your journalistic veracity - you are the only one I can trust with this delicate leak. Please see that this letter from the Republican Party to the 9/11 First Responders sees the light of day.

Your Close Personal Friend and Confidant,

Julian Assange

The letter from Senate Minority Leader and Master Cocaine Republican, Mitch McConnell:

Dear 9/11 First Responders,

I understand that you and your people are experiencing health issues related to your heroic duty in the days, weeks and months following the attacks on 9/11. My heart goes out to you and your struggle. I wish I could help you by motivating at least two Republicans to support the 9/11 First Responders Healthcare Bill, but it cannot be...

This bill contradicts many of the key strategies that we intend on employing in the near future. The most prevalent of which is our Heath Control Strategy. The HCS represents a bold new kind of politics in which we use Health, and people's access to Healthcare, to control the masses. We mustn't give it a way... we are moving to encourage notion that health is a Privilege, not a Right!

We will also need to save a good deal of our political moxie for our upcoming push to Repeal Women's Suffrage. They've had the vote for too long, and we can no longer allow their logic and passion to sully our political process - it's a Man's Game and they're making it no fun. It will be an uphill battle on the face of it, but we are confident that we should be able to reverse this flawed piece of policy by 2012.

Lastly, it is important to remember that 9/11 is in the past. While we appreciated being able to use your face as an icon to rally the dim behind our ideals, the mojo has run thin - we're on to bigger and better things. This legislation could have easily passed, with or without riders, at any point between 2001-2008... but that was then. The bus has left the station - we Need you to get off and climb under. It is the only way...

Sincerely,

Senate Minority Leader
Mitch McConnell
Republican, Kentucky

Giving Stuff to People in Person

Hi, my name is Maxx. I send lots of email attachments, that's why I invented Giving Stuff to People in Person. Giving Stuff to People in Person is a great way to transfer documents, information, personal information, cave drawings, actual things that exist, jokes, and communications.

Are you frustrated with the time it takes to attach files to emails? Does that snide little paperclip icon anger or provoke you? Do you feel frightened by the bigger paperclip man that tries, in vain, to help you with simple word processing tasks? Well, that last one is irrelevant here, but if the other things are on your naughty list this year, I suggest trying Giving Stuff to People in Person this holiday season!

With Giving Stuff to People in Person, I've created a whole new way to conduct work-related and personal business! Say goodbye to clicking that little paperclip! No more searching through file folders to find the file you wish to attach! Save valuable time and money! Order now!

Giving Stuff to People in Person is not responsible for loss of life due to shady dealings with unsavory types. Giving Stuff to People in Person is not recommended for children under 5 years old. Should you be given stuff in person by another person, be advised that the other person may have ulterior motives. When Giving Stuff to People in Person, be aware of your surroundings - the item you wish to transfer may be inappropriate. The elderly may not understand the concept of Giving Stuff to People in Person, as it overlaps with actually giving stuff to people in person, which is their standard form of document and goods transfer. Giving Stuff to People in Person is, and always will be, the preferred method of STD transmission.

In Search of: Office Bass

"I passed through the seven levels of the Candy Cane forest, through the sea of swirly twirly gum drops, and then I walked through the Lincoln Tunnel." - Buddy, Elf

Stalking the halls of the office, mercilessly, instinctively. Follow your nose. Don't make any sudden movements. Peering over the fabric-skinned wooden divider you see them there, gathered around a plate of cookies, pecking at them like vicious chickens. There is little room for error. You look for a diversion... a fire alarm, a phone to page them with, something... Then, suddenly, they notice you. Your heart skips a beat, your life flashes before your eyes. Soon you are the plate of cookies.

There is no shame in poaching tasty treats throughout the office - tis the season, right? I am a connoisseur of cubicle cookies, public pastries, communal cakes, etc...

Earlier this week, I stumbled upon a basket of treats... rather, I was presented with it - like an Oscar. This is the most elusive type of treat, the delivered good. I was immediately posed with a dilemma: to secret this new found booty, or to share. It was a painful choice...

Twelve Days of Excess

Ten lords a-leaping, nine ladies dancing, eight maids a-milking...

The Twelve Days of Christmas are a direct extension of the Bigger is Better ethos that governs Christian thought. Uh-oh. The Christians, not to be out-done, see the eight days of Hanukkah as a threat to their monopoly of the season - and address it accordingly. Oh boy. Thus the Twelve Days of Christmas - because twelve is clearly more than eight. Here we go. 

Hanukkah I understand. Long ago, some Maccabees had only enough lamp oil to last one night - but it lasted eight nights, therefore cause for celebration. I posit that during these eight nights, humor was invented. Upon seeing this miracle, the head Maccabee, Judah, exclaimed "I love lamp!" A dramatization of this moment was later adapted for the movie Anchorman, the Legend of Ron Burgundy.

On the other hand, the Twelve Days of Christmas is just a party. It starts on Jesus' birthday (but not really), and lasts thirteen days (math?), ending on the Feast of the Epiphany on January 6th. The modern American version of this is known as the Nine Days of Walmart. It starts on December 24th, and lasts until January 1st. The holiday is celebrated by drinking copious amounts of booze, eggnog and Coca-Cola, while eating too much ham, cookies and candies, and singing about fictional people (Santa), fiction food (sugar plums) and fictional events (Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer).

Weaponized Whipped Cream

Pure, sweet creamery evil...

Last night at J. Timothy's for dirt wings and beverages, I ate the whipped cream off the top of Jenny's martini. It wasn't regular whipped cream. At first I questioned whether capilary action could have drawn the alcohol up into the whipped cream... but why did it taste like pure grain, and why did it burn? The waitress confirmed that it was weapons grade whipped cream.

I can see the value of a boozey blanket for a tasty beverage, but this fluffy stuff is not to be taken lightly.

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Modern Shamanism

“A warrior acts as if he knows what he is doing, when in effect he knows nothing...” - Carlos Castaneda

Shaman, not to be confused with She-man (that is a whole other topic), is a word not commonly used nowadays. Mysticality has gone by the wayside due, directly, to a lack of commercial presence. But it's more prevalent you might think - how else could you explain the rise of the celebutante. We don't openly discuss Walmart's voodoo practice of raising the dead and training them to be greeters, and only hint at, in hushed tones, Chili's late night ritual of slaughtering stray dogs and lightly dusting the wait staff's aprons with cocaine. But that doesn't mean it doesn't happen.

I was once given some sage advice from a well practiced and battle-worn shaman in Hartford who was working at a 7-11. I was hungry and requested the last Big Bite hot dog. He said "You don't want THAT one. That one's for the after-party boys." By the way his mischievous eyes beamed, I knew that he had crafted it for the late-night, last-call crowd. But behind the smile there was hidden wince of pain - on some lonely night long ago he had been rolled by a few popped collar types, and had since been serving his revenge. On further inspection of the Big Bite, it was nothing more than a dried and wrinkled gorilla dong - clearly an ingredient of witchcraft. I would hate to see what the bun looked like.

So You've Just Been Pulled Over

"Few people understand the psychology of dealing with a highway traffic cop. A normal speeder will panic and immediately pull over to the side. This is wrong. It arouses contempt in the cop heart. Make the bastard chase you. He will follow..." - Hunter S. Thompson

Being pulled over is a menacing experience - just the very nature of it... an authority figure sneaks up behind and stays there, then you get in trouble. A lot of the time it will cost money, and god forbid you are in actually in the act of a misdemeanor, or worse, a felony. You're left badly shaken and filled with unnatural remorse. That's why I've decided to put together this little guide to being pulled over - to be prepared is to be fore-armed. Feel free to print out a copy of this and keep it in your glove box.

So you've been pulled over...
Take a deep contemplative breath. It is of the utmost importance that you realize that you are in control of the situation. Act accordingly.

A traffic cop is a lot like a...
Tyrannosaurus Rex - if you'll remember from the movie Jurassic Park, their eyesight is based on motion. You'll want to make a lot of sudden movements to draw him in. If you don't do this, you may have to wait quite a while for the cop to confront you. You've probably taken this time to reach into your glove box and retrieve this handy advice sheet. While you're in there, get your insurance and registration information - you will need these to bribe the cop.

Occasionally, a cop will take minutes to get out of his car to greet you. During this time he is likely finishing a hot cup of cocoa. To get his attention and move the process along, try leaving your car in drive and release the brake. The slow, forward motion of your car will illicit urgency in the cop, and he will surely step out of his car to greet you, speeding up the process.

When the cop gets to your window...
Be coy. You'll want to leave your window up and ignore him during this first interaction. Wait until he knocks on your window - making him work for it will serve to excite him and get him ready for your next move.

Roll down the window and immediately start asking questions. Avoid topics like the reason he's pulling you over, you'll get there soon enough. Ask him deep, probing personal questions like: Are you married? How was your relationship with your father? What is your political affiliation? What is your name and ID number?

At this point the cop will ask you one of two questions...
Remember, you can leave at any point in this process.

Question 1: Do you know why I pulled you over?
If you know the answer and it was a minor traffic violation such as running a stop sign or speeding, say "Yes". Tell him the violation, then giggle. If you know the answer and it was a major violation or a hit and run, exit the car as quickly as you can - you'll want to be on your feet. If you don't know the answer, say "No... I suppose you were just bored and lonely. You look like you could use a hot meal. Let's go get you something to eat."

Question 2: Have you been drinking tonight, sir?
Regardless of whether you've been drinking at all, say "Yes. I had a few back there." Point your thumb behind you, suggesting that that's all behind you. At this point, the cop may perform a field sobriety test. You will need a pen for the written portion, so quickly grab one from your glove box before exiting the vehicle. It is important that you do some stretches before you take the test - to get the blood flowing.

Assuming you've passed the sobriety test...
At this point he's asked you to wait in your car while he writes you a warning, ticket or summons. The truth is, he doesn't want to do the paperwork as much as you don't want to get the ticket. Do the cop a favor and scram. If you get away, he can't issue the ticket - this is a win-win!

Following this simple advice could save you from a costly ticket. For an advanced experience, spend some time calling children and dogs sir. Using this tone and calling the cop sir may help expedite this process.

Scuddled a Conifer

"My maiden aunt's mind is vicious, well maybe just a half a drink more..."
- Baby it's Cold Outside, Bing Crosby

We, like most Americans, have scuddled a conifer into our house. I shit you not, there is an entire tree in my house - everything but the root structure and squirrels... and soon we shall hang geegaws from it. But this, like most things in my house, must be kept an absolute secret - the last thing I need is to be overrun by neighborhood children foraging for presents. A villainous lot they are - pointy teethed little monsters with Stuff Lust in their eyes, poised and ready to spring with their wall-crawling action and kung-fu grip.

To fend off such paralyzing fears, we shall chug gallon upon gallon of eggnog watered down with cheap booze. Let our chins drip of this, the best nog of the season.

WikiLeaks for Dummies

A brief synopsis...

WikiLeaks is a website dedicated to disseminating sensitive information, typically whistle blowing type information. They got their hands on some Cables - IE communications - from various American Diplomats, and put them on the internet. This is the equivalent of publishing a high school girl's text messages and passing them around the school.

Sure the information is sensitive - but in ten years the event will be remembered as a bold move to create transparency in American Government.  So let's not get all upset just yet.

As for the fella in charge, Julian Assange, he is not American, nor is he living anywhere near America. This means two things: 1 - He can't be tried for treason. 2 - He can't site freedom of speech. The backlash for the Big Dump will be swift and painful. This happening is seen by the American Government as Big-Time Enemy stuff. This guy is hosed. From now on, everything he touches will turn to poison. No country will help him because it could have easily been their cables.

Who knows if the Sex Crime charges against him are true - it doesn't matter. What may or may not have happened between Julian, two women, an ostrich and a frozen turkey is of little concern - it's certainly nothing Australia would extradite over. This is just the neat little bow tied on the fact that he has been bundled up and handed over. He has allowed himself to become an information martyr to the US. When the wash finally gets pulled from the line, we won't have the same access to cheap and easy information that we did for this one shining moment in history. Here lies the Spirit of the Internet 1989*-2010. May it rest In peace.

* Let's not split hairs here.

The Aftermath

"Swept away, briskly, go the bones of the dead..." - Me, in a rare fit of Poetry

The aftermath of a dinner party is a cruel thing indeed. Maybe you were falling asleep on your wife's shoulder late that night, maybe there were still guests. Trying to scratch together how many glasses of wine you drank, how many bottles of beer - these are bad ideas, futile. Was there cake? There is no way to be certain. Where's the furniture? The undeniable truth is that yes, all the furniture has been rearranged, and that things won't go back to normal for days.

As much as you want to put everything back immediately, day one of the aftermath is shot, useless, no-good. If you're lucky, you might remove the evidence of food on day two. Might. That's fine, the guests have already left - who's to judge.

Day three. Courage, embarrassment and the sense that you can't live like this anymore all provide the right brain chemicals to finally get things done. This is when you get your life back. The tables are moved, the chairs arranged, things may even get washed. Now I'm not saying it's going to be perfect, but at least it's a start.

TSA Sexual Revolution

"No place for hidin' baby, no place to run, you pull the trigger of my love gun..." - Kiss

It is no surprise that National Opt Out Day didn't work. In theory, it made sense - the American Public, invigorated by inconvenience and the vague notion that everyone's rights were being trampled, was called to action to Opt Out of the new Airport Body Scan on the most traveled day of the year. This was supposed to bring all travel to a grinding halt and forcing the TSA to abandon the widely criticized Scans.

There was no crash, no grinding halt - and it much had to do with misinformation. The day picked for National Opt Out Day was November 24th, the day before Thanksgiving, which is widely regarded as the most traveled day of the year. Not so according to the Bureau of Transportation Statistics, who says statistically the most traveled day of the year is the Sunday after Thanksgiving. That's boo number one.

Boo number two is that Americans, when called to action over the internet, will make huge promises to the idea that they would never keep in real life - that's the beauty of the internet. So it was a case of too little too soon... And yet the National Opt Out Day Website claims that it was a "rousing success," siting, as failed causes often do, that the purpose of the event was to "raise awareness."

Well folks, this awareness raising failure doesn't have to be in vain. I have devised a brilliant follow up to the event and I think we could even get corporate sponsorship. The target would be the day after Christmas - the Second Most Traveled Day of the year according to the BTS. The plan is this: Sildenafil Citrate, trade name - Viagra. Every traveler takes the recommended dosage of Viagra a few hours before arriving at the airport. Whether you Opt In or Opt it is of little concern, the boners will have spoken - either in the form of an erotic TSA photo or a romantic pat down. We shall call it National Opt Up Day.

Ladies, I know what you're thinking: Should women participate by taking Viagra, too? Absolutely. Viagra is proven to increase female arousal, so women can act as Pheromone Beacons, mixing with the already potent Male Pheromone Fog, producing a Pheromone Cocktail that would whip the whole Airport into a frenzy. It'd be like the 60's all over again. Sodom and Gomorrah.

I suppose the next step would be to get Pfizer on board. They could help with advertising, perhaps supply samples to the masses. After all this would make brilliant ad campaign for them. Invest now: PFE (NYCE).

EDIT: Thanks Jim for pointing out this relevant link Bad Touch!

The Tactical Sweaters are GO!

"With a bit of luck, his life was ruined forever. Always thinking that just behind some narrow door in all of his favorite bars, men in red woolen shirts are getting incredible kicks from things he’ll never know." - Hunter S. Thompson, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas

Good News: My woolen Tactical Sweaters* arrived via UPS yesterday after a long and sordid affair. Backorder my ASS. Took about a month for them to come in, but such is to be expected when ordering surplus sweaters from the British Government.

Note the aggressive elbow padding, ideal for diving behind cover. Not clearly visible in the picture are the shoulder grab handles - some call them epaulettes, but I call them Adventure Straps. They seem to be designed to secure a backpack to your shirt. Sure it's scratchy, but that's a Feature meant to strengthen your resolve. One thing is for certain... this is built to withstand the most questionable hijinks.

*Strange Aryan sweater man looking off into the middle distance not included.

The Tequila Party?!

No salt, no lime, just Latin Fury...

Early reports are coming in on this Tequila Party - which is essentially an offshoot of the Democratic Party, an ironic nod to the Tea Party AND an A-Team of Latin Politicians. Somewhere out in the deserts of Nevada, just outside the Las Vegas city limits, this kernel has been planted, and plans are being laid. Although the name is a little Daily Show, the idea is pure truth.

This is an important time for the Latin vote as it is gaining considerable steam. Immigration legislation is obviously an important touchstone in that community, and these people don't feel their voices are being represented by the Democratic Party - where they've thrown much of their weight. So the question remains: How and when are they going to rise up and steamroll the Border Patrol? 

So here we are, with a newly minted Tequila Party, a potential Patron Summit and a pending quiver of racial slurs that haven't even been invented yet... Here's what I know will happen: they will change their name from the Tequila Party to something more realistic but opposers will invariably call it the Taco Party no matter what they name it. These truths are self evident. What isn't plainly clear is that this will gain momentum, be branded more so than Obama's run at the White House and eventually spark a new Spanglish TV network (think WB but with mixed language programing).