The story of Christmas as told by the lawn decorations at the house down the street...
Once there was a fanciful baby Jesus who lived in a small town in Connecticut. So fancy was he that a crowd of five gathered around his West-Side manger where they were mesmerized into staring at him for all of December. DCF had taken the month off, so his cheeky bare-assedness brought no question upon the fitness of his parents.
This spectacle drew the Three Wise Snowmen out of hiding, who had journeyed from some distant land like Taiwan or Korea. They came bearing gifts such as Frankincense, Myrrh, and Penguins. When they arrived at the manger, there was trouble afoot - there had been a threat from the North. Seven Santas had descended upon the manger and tried to smoke out the sweet little baby Jesus by blasting fifty year old Christmas music all day and all night, Koresh/Waco/Davidian style.
The Snowmen and Penguins fought valiantly against the seven deadly Santas, six sacks of presents, FIVE MRS. CLAUS'! Four tannenbaums, three glowing reindeer, two inflated Homers and an army of elves and barber poles.
Showing posts with label Santa. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Santa. Show all posts
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Twelve Days of Excess
Ten lords a-leaping, nine ladies dancing, eight maids a-milking...
The Twelve Days of Christmas are a direct extension of the Bigger is Better ethos that governs Christian thought. Uh-oh. The Christians, not to be out-done, see the eight days of Hanukkah as a threat to their monopoly of the season - and address it accordingly. Oh boy. Thus the Twelve Days of Christmas - because twelve is clearly more than eight. Here we go.
Hanukkah I understand. Long ago, some Maccabees had only enough lamp oil to last one night - but it lasted eight nights, therefore cause for celebration. I posit that during these eight nights, humor was invented. Upon seeing this miracle, the head Maccabee, Judah, exclaimed "I love lamp!" A dramatization of this moment was later adapted for the movie Anchorman, the Legend of Ron Burgundy.
On the other hand, the Twelve Days of Christmas is just a party. It starts on Jesus' birthday (but not really), and lasts thirteen days (math?), ending on the Feast of the Epiphany on January 6th. The modern American version of this is known as the Nine Days of Walmart. It starts on December 24th, and lasts until January 1st. The holiday is celebrated by drinking copious amounts of booze, eggnog and Coca-Cola, while eating too much ham, cookies and candies, and singing about fictional people (Santa), fiction food (sugar plums) and fictional events (Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer).
The Twelve Days of Christmas are a direct extension of the Bigger is Better ethos that governs Christian thought. Uh-oh. The Christians, not to be out-done, see the eight days of Hanukkah as a threat to their monopoly of the season - and address it accordingly. Oh boy. Thus the Twelve Days of Christmas - because twelve is clearly more than eight. Here we go.
Hanukkah I understand. Long ago, some Maccabees had only enough lamp oil to last one night - but it lasted eight nights, therefore cause for celebration. I posit that during these eight nights, humor was invented. Upon seeing this miracle, the head Maccabee, Judah, exclaimed "I love lamp!" A dramatization of this moment was later adapted for the movie Anchorman, the Legend of Ron Burgundy.
On the other hand, the Twelve Days of Christmas is just a party. It starts on Jesus' birthday (but not really), and lasts thirteen days (math?), ending on the Feast of the Epiphany on January 6th. The modern American version of this is known as the Nine Days of Walmart. It starts on December 24th, and lasts until January 1st. The holiday is celebrated by drinking copious amounts of booze, eggnog and Coca-Cola, while eating too much ham, cookies and candies, and singing about fictional people (Santa), fiction food (sugar plums) and fictional events (Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer).
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