Twelve Days of Excess

Ten lords a-leaping, nine ladies dancing, eight maids a-milking...

The Twelve Days of Christmas are a direct extension of the Bigger is Better ethos that governs Christian thought. Uh-oh. The Christians, not to be out-done, see the eight days of Hanukkah as a threat to their monopoly of the season - and address it accordingly. Oh boy. Thus the Twelve Days of Christmas - because twelve is clearly more than eight. Here we go. 

Hanukkah I understand. Long ago, some Maccabees had only enough lamp oil to last one night - but it lasted eight nights, therefore cause for celebration. I posit that during these eight nights, humor was invented. Upon seeing this miracle, the head Maccabee, Judah, exclaimed "I love lamp!" A dramatization of this moment was later adapted for the movie Anchorman, the Legend of Ron Burgundy.

On the other hand, the Twelve Days of Christmas is just a party. It starts on Jesus' birthday (but not really), and lasts thirteen days (math?), ending on the Feast of the Epiphany on January 6th. The modern American version of this is known as the Nine Days of Walmart. It starts on December 24th, and lasts until January 1st. The holiday is celebrated by drinking copious amounts of booze, eggnog and Coca-Cola, while eating too much ham, cookies and candies, and singing about fictional people (Santa), fiction food (sugar plums) and fictional events (Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer).