For many, the holiday season can be a time of great rejoicing (this profound mass psychological imbalance was caused some years ago by a rogue voodoo priest who cursed the winter solstice). For the rest of us, however, the holidays descend like a Chinese Dragon, breathing fire and destroying everything we love. The following survival guide should be laminated and kept in your wallet.
The Company
For the uninitiated, the Company Holiday Party seems like a great opportunity to rub elbows with higher-ups and get some good team player or company man points. This line of thinking is flawed, and it's exactly what they want you to believe. If they really wanted to rub elbows with you, why do they have clipboards, and why are they making notes on your conversations? Why then, as the night goes on, are they watching angrily from behind a bottle of Old Grand Dad whiskey?
Be warned - this is when they decide how to thin out the herd. The libations are just fool's juice, and this is the Great Test. Fun Fact: 90% of Corporate Management carries a concealed Taser during holiday parties to keep the rowdy worker bees at bay, and for quick egress from boring conversations. Most work related tasings occur between December 20th and January 1st.
Shopping - The Deadliest Game
Being out on the road, traveling from store to store hunting for bargains - this is when you are most at risk... you are not the only hunter. There is an unknown active ingredient in most commercial egg nog and egg nog flavored products that causes severe psychotic lapses in approximately 70% of the population. Some symptoms include irritability, sudden rage, disorientation, loss of hearing, and an insatiable lust for human blood.
Add to this the profound sensory overload of the commercial jungle of the average shopping mall or Walmart, and you've got an army of blood-crazy, red bulled, shop-til-you-drop, free-range soccer moms charging headlong into battle with the heads of the fallen on poles, smeared with entrails. Fun Fact: Most holiday related deaths aren't the result of frantic parents curb-stomping each other to get the last Cabbage Patch doll or Fondle Me Elmo... for the past ten years, the leading cause of holiday related death has been disgruntled children garroting their sleeping parents for not getting them the season's hottest toy.
Consider yourselves warned. My advice? Hunker down and drink heavily, and just maybe, by some stroke of luck or even an act of god, you might just make it to 2011 alive.
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