Everything's Coming Up Milhouse

The world may be ending, but it's never looked so good...

Things may not be as apocalyptic as I had first thought - perhaps this mass avian splat is just a Divine Wind, or some kind of indicator of economic recovery. When I heard that several quality pieces of legislation (911 Health Care, Extended Unemployment, DADT Repeal, etc...) were passed in the Zero Hour of 2010, I suspiciously expected the worst. But maybe good news is just Good News. Next thing you know they'll be handing out 50" plasma TVs to everybody.*

So I'm going to have to revoke yesterday's advice to Go Limp. At the time it was completely accurate and logistically sound. But it is a new day, so to that end heed this revised advice for 2011: Knives Out. It is time to dominate opportunity violently - this will be the year of the Great Windfall. The only way to get yours is to run headlong into the fray, with no fear in your heart, screaming ancient guttural battle cries.

* I've been told mine is in the mail.

Republican Party Vs. 9/11 First Responders

The following letter was slid under my door by WikiLeaks founder, Julian Assange, with this note attached:

Dear Maxx,

I've turned to you because I appreciate and respect your journalistic veracity - you are the only one I can trust with this delicate leak. Please see that this letter from the Republican Party to the 9/11 First Responders sees the light of day.

Your Close Personal Friend and Confidant,

Julian Assange

The letter from Senate Minority Leader and Master Cocaine Republican, Mitch McConnell:

Dear 9/11 First Responders,

I understand that you and your people are experiencing health issues related to your heroic duty in the days, weeks and months following the attacks on 9/11. My heart goes out to you and your struggle. I wish I could help you by motivating at least two Republicans to support the 9/11 First Responders Healthcare Bill, but it cannot be...

This bill contradicts many of the key strategies that we intend on employing in the near future. The most prevalent of which is our Heath Control Strategy. The HCS represents a bold new kind of politics in which we use Health, and people's access to Healthcare, to control the masses. We mustn't give it a way... we are moving to encourage notion that health is a Privilege, not a Right!

We will also need to save a good deal of our political moxie for our upcoming push to Repeal Women's Suffrage. They've had the vote for too long, and we can no longer allow their logic and passion to sully our political process - it's a Man's Game and they're making it no fun. It will be an uphill battle on the face of it, but we are confident that we should be able to reverse this flawed piece of policy by 2012.

Lastly, it is important to remember that 9/11 is in the past. While we appreciated being able to use your face as an icon to rally the dim behind our ideals, the mojo has run thin - we're on to bigger and better things. This legislation could have easily passed, with or without riders, at any point between 2001-2008... but that was then. The bus has left the station - we Need you to get off and climb under. It is the only way...

Sincerely,

Senate Minority Leader
Mitch McConnell
Republican, Kentucky