Scott Walker is a Poon

"Tommy used to work on the docks, union's been on strike, he's down on his luck. It's tough, so tough..." - Living on a Prayer, Bon Jovi


Very little is absolutely certain in Wisconsin right now, but just for grins, lets run down the facts shall we?

- Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker is an awful, greed-hungry, power-mad, vindictive, spiteful bully and big-time corruption-boner Poon who craps greasy corporate swag leftover from his weekly open-invite backdoor gangbang - clearly a lobbyist for the over $200k set.

- The general consensus of the work that teachers do is grossly underestimated. During those nine months they work just as much as anyone else does in a whole year.

- By reducing compensation, Wisconsin is attempting to push good teachers out of the state, and hiring scabs in their place. These are the people raising your children, you blind and arrogant dummies!

- Anyone with any clout in WI already sends their kids to private school. Of course they would rather see all those tax dollars go into the pockets of the companies they run, by way of tax incentives, etc... instead of schools.

- The WI Republicans are unbashfully anti-poor. Heed my words - within twenty years they will be stalking urban streets with automatic weapons, fine cigars hanging from gritted teeth, hunting man.

- There have never been so many Talking Heads on the News who earn dramatically more than $50k a year talk about how $50k a year is too much to pay a teacher, let alone the Middle Class. I'm sure their hair stylists make well above that.

- This may very well open the door to a new Anti-Union movement. Be warned: after worker's rights, civil rights go shortly after...

Dog Wears Monocle, Decides Fate

The following excerpt is from a text message conversation between Jenny and I discussing whether to bring the dog to our friends place this weekend.

Key:
dj - Django, our Australian Shepherd
breeders - a term of endearment for adult friends with kids

Transcript:
Jenny: Do u want to bring him?
Me: Up to u
Jenny: No, up to u
Me: Up to dj
Jenny: How r we gonna know what he wants to do?
Me: He's very smart
Jenny: Yes, but do u think he will put on a monacle and sit upright in a chair sipping lattes while telling us his feelings on going to burlington 2 hang with w/breeders?
Me: Yes.
Jenny: Okay, well as long as he will express his feelings like that, I guess we're okay

Mindbending, Twenty Pound Cat

“I hope if dogs take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas...” - Jack Handy

It looks like I will be attempting to write up the Art of Speed show, in short order, and submitting it somewhere. There is photographic evidence, out there, of my inebriated note-taking in some hip young bar in downtown Middletown, so the jig is up. I haven't yet looked at those notes... I'm too afraid. I remember scratching something out in the bleak darkness on the ride home, from the back seat of my own car - it was that kind of night. It takes some considerable skill to write when you can't see...

I feel the need to reiterate the genius that is Charlie Sheen. I'm convinced that he failed in trying to connive some unscrupulous pay upgrade, and in retaliation is torpedoing the show with excessive strange behavior and megalomaniacal social media mindbending. Kudos to him, it's a hell of a ride.

Lastly, from left field: the cat's asshole exploded on Sunday night. This is no metaphor - ruptured anal gland, vet, antibiotics, recovery... It's a bit like Weird Christmas, she runs around exited, surprised, constantly stopping to look behind her. Good News: contrary to the assumed facts, this twenty pound isn't to fat to clean herself.

A Violent Torpedo of Truth

"fastball. the trolls are foaming from their toothless holes. rumor mill abundant with evil gossip. mainstream heretics smirking..." - Charlie Sheen 

I finally pulled my head out of my own ass long enough to investigate the Charlie Sheen Tweets and one thing is abundantly clear - the man is suffering from the kind of genius only money can buy. Money and a lot of drugs. But that's fine - it used to be that there was absolutely nothing more mesmerizing than watching a millionaire celebrity playboy cannonball himself around Hollywood, hopped up on goofballs, taking down any target he could get into his sights. But that has all changed now that some evil scientist has wired a high-speed CAT5 cable directly into the Id of their King.

I can only imagine what the world looks like through Charlie Sheen's eyes - it must be some early 90's version of Virtual Reality, everything in flat colored polygons with no detail, barely in 3D. Oh, what I'd pay to ride that Being John Malkovich carnival roller coaster - woo, boy! - with no brakes, speeding down that numb tunnel of crazy, taking down everything in my path, drinking Tigerblood and soaring on the wings of a pterodactyl...

But all that is neither here nor there. The Art of Speed show opened on Friday in Middletown, and from every angle I saw, it was a success. The opening was sponsored by Narragansett beer, so they poured that, keeping it classy by serving about four ounces at a time. These tiny cups of beer became impossible to manage as I had nothing to gauge them against, and they quickly got under me. As the art show settled down and after several strange conversations, we made our way to the after-party at Eli Cannon's where I managed to spill half a pint of delicious Sierra Nevada pale ale on Leigh's Iphone. #winning

Lowbrow Art Descends on Middletown, Scares Natives

"No, ma'am, I haven't seen my daddy in years. But my mama say he's out racing cars and, well, dipping his wick in anything that moves." - Ricky Bobby

Tonight's the night - the Art of Speed hot rod art show opens tonight at MAC 650 Artspace gallery at 650 Main ST in Middletown. The show features a surprising amount of Japanese artists, which is relevant to my interests because I am an honorary Asian...

The show is being put on by the same guy who brought us the Hot Rod Fall Out, so if all goes according to plan, it should be just as good. It seems that the promoter is selfishly trying to bring cool things to our fair state and instigate the development of a burgeoning scene.

It should be a good show - Fast Cars, Loose Women and Strong Drinks... how could you go wrong? I may even attempt to cover it from some confused mental state. But the bottom line is: I will be prepared - I have flushed The Fear from my mind, and so should you.

How to Win the Future

Good News - the Future is yours for the taking! Deciding to fight the Present for Total Domination can be empowering, but be warned, the Present is a very violent and persistent thing. The Present will stop at nothing to see you submit, on your knees, cowering and sobbing like a weak and feeble little punk. Then it will bare it's teeth and consume you. Remember: Today is the first day of the rest of your miserable existence - make the most of it!

Don't sit around your house or apartment, wearing nothing but stained and threadbare underwear and socks, eating TV dinners and microwave burritos, waiting for your Sputnik Moment. Make it happen now! Break into your neighbor's house and steal that barking dog, bribe the police to cover up that DUI, hire a personal assistant or goon to do your bidding - it's your responsibility to future of this country!

The key to Winning the Future is to make decisions for other people before they get the chance to do it to you! Seizing the day is for fools - to Win the Future you must seize whole months at a clip, stepping on whatever unfortunate peons get in your way! Smash your enemies, verbally abuse your direct supervisors, swerve recklessly into oncoming traffic! Cater to your Id or be fleeced like a common proletarian!

The Present is not real. Everything around you is an elaborate construct developed by advanced Machines, who took over some time ago. The actual year is 2052. Every bit of pain and suffering you feel is the product of an ever-changing program developed by the Machines to simulate actual human existence - not unlike the plot of the Matrix trilogy. Any attempt to awaken from this Utopian dream that the Machines developed for you would ultimately lead to your demise. The Machines love you. Trying to hack the Machines is not advised. Moving in slow motion, while extremely cool and a great use of innovative film-making techniques, is also not advised. Glitches in the system, such as winning the lottery or a bowel movement that requires no wiping, should be reported to the Machines immediately. 

How to Sell a Used Car

Selling your used car is a fun and interesting way to meet new people, but it's also a battle of wits which can be extremely psychologically daunting. Not only are you emotionally tied to this piece of the American Dream that you once loved so much, but the pool potential used car buyers is rife with crude and unsavory types who are bent on stealing from you and abusing your good nature. But with a few quick tips, you can defeat the buyer and sell your car in no time!

Figure out a price

The first step is to determine the worth of your car. You can do this by first checking NADA, Kelley Blue Book or Edmunds - these websites have tools to help you estimate the value of your car based on mileage, condition and level of equipment. But be warned - these websites all fail to understand that your car is special due to performance upgrades and fond memories, and is therefore worth much more than fair market value. I suggest being insulted by the low price that these websites assign and indignantly choosing a price that is much greater than what is suggested for Excellent Condition, regardless of body damage, gross mechanical failure or history of multiple collisions. After all, in the world of used car sales, anything goes.

Clean the car

At this point, a lot of experts will tell you to clean the car - this is bad advice. There is no charm in a clean car, you want the car to look well lived in. Nobody wants to buy a car that they can't imagine their Taco Bell wrappers littering the passenger floor or their dirty underwear and socks strewn about the back seat. This will also help you achieve maximum selling price because the filth of the car will imply that you have nothing to hide, and the buyer will appreciate your honesty.

List the car for sale

Never put a For Sale sign in the window of your car as this will draw the attention of teen thugs and terrorists - it is best to use some kind of filter between you and the unwashed masses. I suggest using online classifieds such as Craigslist, Auto Trader and Bargain News. Of these, I strongly recommend Craigslist because it is free, and you don't want to seem desperate.

Crafting your classified ad

This is perhaps the most important step - it allows you to show your wild, creative side, while taking certain liberties with the truth. Don't get bogged down with the specifics - when listing mileage round down about 25,000 miles, when listing the engine size round up at least two cylinders. If even mentioned, any cosmetic or mechanical damage should be described as minor or negligible - no matter what the extent of it is.

Here are some good buzz words to pepper throughout your listing: great running condition, like new, great gas mileage, clean title, little old lady, new tires, Bose... just about anything that sounds good - remember, it's just words.

Showing your car

This is where it gets tricky - as I said before, used car buyers are an untrustworthy and repugnant bunch. They spend their days cruising the streets with large sums of cash in their pockets looking for a victim, waiting for the right moment to snare some unsuspecting car seller with the siren's song of their wad of cash.

Sounds like just what any used car seller would want, but these scoundrels look exclusively for cars that are well out of their price range. From the moment they call, text or email about your car, they are intentionally trying to wear you down. When they finally show up hours after their appointment, they will spend about an hour haphazardly poking, looking and examining things under the hood of the car that they have no real understanding of. They do this because they are lonely and don't know how to form real relationships, and of course, to waste your time.

By this time you will be exhausted from the anticipation of waiting for, then babysitting, the buyer... but it's not over yet. They will then spend another twenty minutes or so walking around the car and telling you that if they buy the car they are going to have to fix this, paint that, get a new this. They become like a lion chasing a zebra, wearing it out until the prey is too tired and just gives in.

The offer

At this point the filthy rogue will attempt to buy the car for half price, because cash is king and they have it right here, right now, in their hand ready to take this burden off your hands. Ignore his laundry list! Don't be lured in by the glamor of the crisp hundred dollar bills he's fanning himself with! The buyer is a pig who should be stuck on a spit an roasted over the flames... let the piggy burn.

To gain a psychological advantage, seek higher ground - stand on a porch or ladder, maybe up a few steps or on a small hill so that you are looking down at the buyer. After some contemplative silence, reach out and touch the buyer's arm or face gently with your hand, this will let him know that you're in charge. Then, in the tone of voice you would use to tell a child her goldfish has died, smile and inform the buyer that you've already turned down an offer that is well above his. This will, of course, be a lie. The faux offer should be just under the price you are looking to get for the car. The buyer will either make a more realistic, acceptable offer or cower at your dominance and scamper away like an old scolded dog. Either way, you win!

Of course, some buyers will just ask over the phone "What's the lowest price you'd take," without even looking at the car. It may seem refreshing for someone to cut right to the bone with such an honest question, but don't be fooled - it is an insult to you and to the very spirit of haggling. The only acceptable response to this question is to say: "I don't negotiate with terrorists," then hang up.

Making the sale

Now that the money is on the table, it is a good time to tell the buyer that you've either lost the Ownership Title or there is a Lien against the car and you don't actually own it outright. This will anger most buyers and scare them off, taking their money with them. But in those rare, shining moments when the buyer is foolish enough to still move forward with the deal without a Title or Bill of Sale, you catch a glimpse into what selling a used car is really all about...