Bad Advice #2 - Corporate Takeover, High Speed Bounce House

The problem with the 24 hour news cycle is that after commercials there are about 1,000 minutes per day of airtime that needs to be filled, so the idea of demanding photos of Zombie Bin Laden, which is in very bad taste and could cause very bad feelings toward America from various countries and is an all around bad idea, is actually a brilliant tactic to filibuster airtime. They can keep asking for the photos, but they won't get them. The unfortunate side effect is that people are getting riled up about it, but I have a solution. Just release a photo of Zombie Bin Laden's shoe at the scene - in the same way local news does when someone gets hit by a car. Death, tastefully done. But that's enough pontification, Tuesday's call for bad advice finally bore fruit, so here we go...

Ok Maxx i need advice... So i really HAVE NOT felt like going to work recently. What should i do about this?
-Jesse

Jesse,
The truth is, nobody really feels like going to work, unless they are of the very small percentage who actually love what they do (internet says 45%, but I call bullshit - figure 15%). So therefore, your quandary. What a lot of people do is either suck it up and feel grateful that they have a job, or try to pursue another occupation. This is wrong - why just cope with your situation? That's how those bastards win! And pursuing another occupation is like eating a ham sandwich and wishing it was turkey - if you had turkey, you'd want ham.

The good news is, you are not fucked. My initial response was to suggest procuring a large bag of drugs and see how that worked out, but in my heart I cannot suggest that. Becoming a zombie is just another way they win. You need to score a win for you. Here's how:

Spend more time chatting with your coworkers or customers - whoever you interact with regularly. Draw a line in the sand and determine who's on your side and who's not. Those who are for you, they are your army - treat them well. Remember - from here on out, you are in charge. Act like it!

Find small ways to make things more difficult for those who are against you - make more work for them, do petty untraceable things to make their lives progressively more miserable. You'll want to ramp it up slowly - over the course of about two months. Meanwhile, make small negative comments to your army about how lousy your enemies are - again ramping this up over the course of two months or so.


Once the division between the two groups reaches a boiling point, make a move to aggressively overthrow company leadership by first knocking down middle management, then moving on toward upper management. Once they submit to a series of superfluous demands, one of which will be to install you in either middle or upper management - a cushy position to be sure, take stock of your situation. Do you still hate coming in to work?

Good luck with that.
-Maxx

I wouldn't say I need bad advice per say but a little comic relief would help.
I was volunteered by a good friend to "help" her other good friend (a former foe of mine) to move home. A.k.a... Drive across country from AZ to CT with Ms. Wretched Negative Nelly. Normally I would've denied this offer but Negative Nelly turned into Sappy Sally Full of Tears & guilted me into it. In less than 2 week I'm embarking on this dreadful trip. Laughs please!!!!!
-Anonymous

Anonymous,
Two weeks, eh? There isn't much time. You'll need to stock up on techno music, inflatable pool toys, lots of Red Bull and salty snacks. You'll also want to pick up an air pump that you can plug into the cigarette lighter in the car.

Find out what kind of stereo is in the car. Tape? CD? 8 Track? Get lot's of techno music in that format and get ready to blast it. A basic rule of thumb is if something is annoying for everyone but you are the one doing it, your threshold will be much greater. For this to work, you will also have to locate and discard you friend's music selection, and if they put on the radio, always immediately scan around through static "looking for a station" until you get bored and put the techno on again.

The Red Bull is key. You will need this to maintain a constant high level of enthusiasm throughout the trip. Remember, our country is beautiful - take every chance to remind your friend of this by abruptly shouting "Ooh, look at that!" The salty snacks will enable you to drink more Red Bull between pee stops. Go team!

If your friend gets sleepy, let her sleep while you drive. Forty-five minutes should be enough for her to get into REM sleep, at which point you will want simultaneously crank the volume on the stereo and swerve erratically - this sudden panicky alertness will ensure maximum sleep deprivation.

The inflatables... this is where it gets tricky. You'll want to determine a time when it is appropriate to use the air pump to inflate the inflatables inside the car. If you really wear your friend down, you might be able to inflate them while she's driving. Otherwise, you will have to wait until she is out of the car. Regardless, the inflatables will likely exacerbate any feelings of ill will, so the use of caution is recommended. It's one thing to piss someone off, it's another to trap them in a crowded high speed bounce house.

Good luck with that.
-Maxx