Felony Fitness

Wind farms are a sucker's bet. Green is the buzzword these days, and many say that wind turbines are the answer to our energy problems forever. This is utter tomfoolery. There is no guarantee that there will always be wind, let alone that it will blow in the right direction. Sure, these mammoth fans can provide clean, renewable energy at the negligible expense of a few misguided birds, and yes, contrary to popular belief they actually look cool and space-age, and are not an eyesore to anyone, not even those who claim this from the front porches of their waterfront property, obsessively checking Zillow every five minutes to reassess their property value. Come on people, this is America! We can do better than fans!

Imagine a world where energy is free for everyone and the social burden of our prison system is a thing of the past. That's right, I say we set up our prisons with electricity generating treadmills! Let the criminals repay their debt to society through the miracle of jogging! It's just like hamsters, except most of these bastards deserve the Wheel!

With this unique and innovative mix of Planet Fitness and an old fashion Gulag, the savings will be tremendous! In 2006 alone, almost 70 Billion was spent on corrections, so let's put that investment to good use! No more lounging around on luxurious concrete benches or visits to the endless buffet of anal sex for our criminals, bandits and ne'er-do-wells! With all that jogging that will be required, inmates will be much too tired to constantly deflower one another! Let them do work!

But wait, there's more! Now, under this new policy, we'll be able to easily identify criminals in their natural habitat, the street, by their new identifying characteristic - enormous legs! Yes, this new means of powering our future not only ensures a healthy planet for generations to come, but also allows the incarcerated time to really think about what they've done, without all the clouded judgement and survival mentality that a healthy fear of shanking instills.