Unprofessional Sports

To Newport! Tomorrow I flee this rat-infested state - for the second time this year, though on much better terms this time. There are many reasons to flee; being hunted like a human pineapple is one, having advance notice of swift and misguided justice coming your way is another, and of course there's always The Holidays. But fortunately for those close to me, I have another reason to flee: I will be participating in Unprofessional Sports. Yes, I intend on attacking Newport with all guns blazing. It's been almost a year, after all, and I'm sure the city misses me.

The first event will likely involve some level of drinking on the beach, enjoying the sun, feeling a cool breeze as it whips sand in my eye. Painful, yes, but it is necessary, when getting to know the spirit of a place, to experience the grit. The second event will merely be observation; people watching if you will. This will no-doubt be accompanied by what is known in layman's terms as The Stink Eye. The Hairy Eyeball, as it is sometimes known, is key because it keeps those damn unsavory Yuppie types at bay.

The third event, which would ordinary involve some sort of swimming under most circumstances, I believe will in this case be a type of shopping that will likely not involve currency - it is important when visiting touristy destinations to participate in their unique retail loss, or shrinkage, strategies. The fourth event, of course, will no doubt manifest itself in some sort of horrific act of violence, or, at the very least, some very serious shadow lurking or perhaps a questionable back-alley exchange. I'll need to limber up...