How to Blow Off a Finger This Fourth of July

The Fourth of July is a magical holiday when you can travel back in time and experience the giddy, unbridled joy that can only come from the kind of aggressive, testosterone fueled violence that we Americans have celebrated since the insurgence of our Founding Fathers lead to us winning our independence from our Imperial Overlords, the British. And what better way to celebrate such a holiday than to eat plenty of grilled meat, drink copious amounts of your favorite alcoholic beverages and actively pursue the instantaneous and gruesome loss of one or more digits!

It starts at home

Possibly the most important thing you do in the days leading up to the Fourth of July is to Acquire More Fireworks! I know what you're thinking: But I already have fireworks. Of course you do, but you certainly don't have enough, nor are they of the right kind! A basic rule of thumb when determining the amount of fireworks required to properly celebrate the Fourth of July is approximately one duffel bag of fireworks for every five people celebrating, not including mortars and other professional grade displays. Do not include sparklers in this calculation.

Note: Certain states, such as Connecticut, do not allow the sale of real fireworks, instead only allowing fake fireworks such as sparklers, fountains and smoke bombs to be sold. This is a direct attack on your freedoms; contact your legislator. Until this is resolved, drive to a nearby state that allows the sale of real fireworks such as bottle rockets with report, M-80s, roman candles and jumping jacks.

Finger bang

So you've procured the proper amount and type of fireworks - Great! You are one step closer to losing a finger! On the big day, you'll want to load up on caffeine, sugar, red bull, B vitamins, coolatas - choose your own adventure. You'll need lots of energy, for there is much to do! Once you're buzzing on your energy of choice, you'll want to clear the chatter in your head with several bracing shots of your favorite hard liquor, some beer and perhaps some mixed drinks such as margaritas or mojitos. If you choose to combine the booze and energy drinks into one cup, such as a red bull vodka - good move! Kill two birds with one stone!

Once you've worked yourself into a lather, it's time for the magic to happen. Don't be afraid to throw fireworks at small children and dogs - they love the attention! A lot of people frown on lighting off fireworks indoors, but this thinking is flawed - the Fourth of July is as American as Apple Pie, and like Apple Pie, it should be enjoyed indoors, preferable in the kitchen!

Many people don't know the proper way to launch a bottle rocket because the name is, in fact, a misnomer. These little joy-rockets are meant to be launched from the hand, not from a spent beer bottle! I have gotten great results from lighting these beauts and throwing them straight up in the air - spectators find the unexpected nature of their flight patterns to be delightfully random and exhilarating!

Later in the evening, when all the fireworks are gone, there's one last game to play with your buddies as you sit around the camp fire and reflect on all the freedom you've enjoyed that night. This game is called Uh Oh, and it involves placing a full, capped bottle of beer into the fire and saying: "Uh Oh." As the beer heats and expands, testing the holding power of the cap, time elapses and everyone forgets that some crazed fool threw a bottle of beer into the fire. Then, when you least expect it - BOOM! The pressure created by the expanding liquid and gas inside the bottle overwhelms the crown of the cap, firing it like a hot bullet directly into the faces of all your closest friends and family!