Thursday, January 20, 2011

How to Pass Out on the Coats

"Now cracks a noble heart. Goodnight, sweet Prince. And flights of angels sing thee to thy rest." - Horatio, Hamlet

So you've decided to pass out on the coats - congratulations on your exciting new decision! Passing out on the coats is often the next logical step in the progression of a dinner party or other social gathering, but sometimes figuring out the proper approach can be difficult and confusing. Use this guide to identify when, and more importantly how, to pass out on the coats.

How to pass out on the coats:
Passing out on the coats is not to be taken lightly. Exercise Caution - you never know when a beloved pet or errant handy might interrupt the slumbering you. It is recommended that you drink a great deal more than you had initially intended before deciding to pass out on the coats. And don't get weighed down by heavy food, try to approach the situation with an empty stomach. A helpful tip is to mix it up - try drinking something you don't typically drink, like champagne. Varying from your typical beverage of choice will trick your body into misjudging your tolerance, allowing you to bypass certain mores that may inhibit you from passing out on the coats.

If at any point in the evening you start to slur your words, keep at it, you are on the right track. You may even choose to Chase the Green Dragon* to increase your chances of passing out on the coats, although doing so is not without it's risks. You may find that you have a difficult time locating the coats, or forget your goal altogether. Remember: Passing out at the toilet is a much different experience than passing out on the coats.

When to pass out on the coats:
Typically, in any type of gathering, as a party progresses past it's apex there is a natural lull in the activities beyond which the four S's occur: Sex, 'Scape, Sinister and Sleep. If by this time you haven't paired off with a sex partner, left the party or engaged in malicious and/or mischievous behavior - you could probably use a nap. Seize this golden moment!

When NOT to pass out on the coats:
Any time before midnight. While people are having intercourse on the coats. If you are wet or otherwise covered in food, drink or other party debris. If you are currently vomiting. If you are prone to bed wetting. If the coats are fur. If the coats are on hooks. If the room is spinning. If you think the ground is lava and therefore mustn't be stepped on.

Always respect the coats. You never know when the coats may belong to a close friend or relative. They may even be your coats. Please pass out on the coats responsibly.

*Drink until you puke.

2 comments:

  1. I feel that passing out on the coats is a compliment to the host. Much like belching is a compliment to the chef and puking is a compliment to the bartender. right?

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  2. I agree wholeheartedly. It's like dedicating a song on the radio, only you're dedicating tomorrow morning.

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