The Appalachian Tactical Sasquatch

"You're gonna need a bigger boat..." Brody, Jaws (1975)

First it was a mass bird death, then a fish die off, now it's coming for our delicious cows. There's something out there, and it's stalking and killing very specific things. But what is it? Are people next? If so, what kind?

I have many theories of what it could be, but none can be tested, so we must wait and see. One theory is that a race of Tactical Sasquatch - a mix between monkey-wrenching hill people and the North American brown bear - have emerged from the Appalachians and are bent on destroying small portions of the continent's ecosystem.

Other theories include: this is the Tea Party's answer to global warming, or perhaps a delayed effect of one of Nikola Tesla's experiments from long ago. But I suppose the most likely candidate is the reverse-Noah apocalypse. Somewhere out in the farthest reaches of the Atlantic, beyond the visibility of the most sophisticated spy satellites, there is an enormous sea-faring vessel who's decks are littered with thousands of carcasses, all organized, in piles, down to the letter: kingdom, phylum, class, order, family, genus, species. The ship is Captained by an agitated Dennis Hopper, who is awaiting a great flood to repopulate the lands with the rotting flesh and bones of every kind.