Unprofessional Sports

To Newport! Tomorrow I flee this rat-infested state - for the second time this year, though on much better terms this time. There are many reasons to flee; being hunted like a human pineapple is one, having advance notice of swift and misguided justice coming your way is another, and of course there's always The Holidays. But fortunately for those close to me, I have another reason to flee: I will be participating in Unprofessional Sports. Yes, I intend on attacking Newport with all guns blazing. It's been almost a year, after all, and I'm sure the city misses me.

The first event will likely involve some level of drinking on the beach, enjoying the sun, feeling a cool breeze as it whips sand in my eye. Painful, yes, but it is necessary, when getting to know the spirit of a place, to experience the grit. The second event will merely be observation; people watching if you will. This will no-doubt be accompanied by what is known in layman's terms as The Stink Eye. The Hairy Eyeball, as it is sometimes known, is key because it keeps those damn unsavory Yuppie types at bay.

The third event, which would ordinary involve some sort of swimming under most circumstances, I believe will in this case be a type of shopping that will likely not involve currency - it is important when visiting touristy destinations to participate in their unique retail loss, or shrinkage, strategies. The fourth event, of course, will no doubt manifest itself in some sort of horrific act of violence, or, at the very least, some very serious shadow lurking or perhaps a questionable back-alley exchange. I'll need to limber up...

Newington Day Recap

Sometimes, it takes a few days to gather your thoughts about an event into a series of well-timed blasts that will quickly bring down the wall between Then and Now, leaving the event to be seen as it happened or at least how it was perceived. But this is not always the case, especially for those who are as plugged into the Now as I am... the facts blur, events and timelines diminish - particularly in the company of drink. But this isn't a problem! Simply fill the gaps in time with putty and sand it down. Ho ho, this is how History books are written!

To the best of my knowledge, Newington Day started with the best of intentions; Jenny and I went to Leigh's to help set up. We erected some tents and I made wicks for the tiki torches in the heat. We put out food and set up the stereo outdoors. This kind of labor, as you can imagine, grinds it's boney cleats into your thirst, so I had a few beers. People started to show up - strangers, conversationalists. The Bacon Rap came up, and a crude early version of the recording of it was played, so I had a few beers.

As more people showed up, the event descended into weirdness. There were a lot of motorcycles, which is fine, and I should have been prepared for this, but I suppose I didn't expect them to be in such close proximity to the food... so I had a few beers.

As if from out of nowhere - it was time for the Fireworks. A group of us headed out on foot to the center of town - the center of the party - to watch. Streets lined with cars, people gathering in the streets and their back yards - this was America, this was Neighbor Country. 

I know a few things about this moment: at one point Jenny did, in fact, break away from the group with our dog Django, in a sprint, with one fist in the air yelling "Newington! Newington," the Fireworks display was surprisingly good for a small town, and I definitely had a verbal altercation with a soccer mom in an SUV full of children.

As I walked away from the Fireworks, as many others were at the time, I was drinking a bottle of beer. The last, in fact, of the three that I brought for the short walk to town. The neighborhoods of downtown Newington were swarming with pedestrians and crushing traffic as everyone left the Fireworks. Sometime after doing a poor job of secretly peeing on someone's lawn, and noticing a large gap between myself and the cars and people in front of me, I began waving the cars by. One car, though, would not pass, but instead the driver pulled up next to me and accosted me for my drinking of a bottle of beer in public. Me, with my delicate sensibilities!

This lead to a lengthy conversation about why she wouldn't just pass us, which Dave inevitably took offense to and reacted by walking slowly in front of her car, blocking the way. Her reaction was not favorable when I explained: "He's just being a douchebag,"  claiming she had three children in her car. In a moment, all hope was lost. The only thing left to do was tell her I didn't care if she had nine kids in the there, then lay down in the road in front of her car.

From there, things get a little hazy as we headed back to Leigh's place, but this is for certain; it was very dark out and I think someone attempted to have sex on the steps of the church next door.

Short Short Short Story

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Measured forty times, never cut.









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Seven Vulgar Gods of the Wooded Plain

Good god, Friday again already? And, as always, this is good news, but this weekend is different. It's time to hose down the animals, hide wooden ducks around the house and bury a crisp five dollar bill in the yard - it's Newington Day's Eve! The Newington Day Extravaganza of Excesses of all Your Favorite Worldly Delights technically kicked off yesterday, but for our purposes, it will kick of tomorrow at around 3 PM.

A brief recap of last year: beer, grill assembled (unused), 1,000 lbs of spare ribs, kiddie pool, Siesta!, more beer, ladies in the kiddie pool, hose?, squirt guns, vegans, el chupacabra, water balloon?, giant feet, crowded party neighborhood, a lot more beer, fireworks, peeing in public, drag a shitting dog, more ladies in the kiddie pool, asleep with shoe'd feet in the kiddie pool and escape. I can't be certain that all of these things occurred as this was a year ago and what am I the Amazing Kreskin; but I assure you, at least most of it happened.

All of this will be happening again this weekend. Religious types may regard this as a small, self-contained apocalypse or perhaps a Sodom/Gomorrah situation, but they are too prudish to appreciate it for what it really is: the good people of Newington offering a sacrifice of twenty nubile young virgins to their Seven Vulgar Gods of the Wooded Plain.

So until then, I will be beating the body damage out of my car with a three pound drilling hammer and other various tools that should afford me a great deal of mechanical advantage over that rotten pile of sheet metal, and I'll grit my teeth, too. Tomorrow will be long and harrowing, and I will not rest until we Win Newington Day!

Bacon On Demand (the Breakfast Jam)

Woke up this morning with a bacon rap in my head... 

Double double B, hold the L and the T
throw in some mayo and give it to me.
Bacon on a bun, cuz that's how I roll
crumble it on cereal and eat it from a bowl.

When I eat eggs, the bacon rides shotgun
don't offer me bacon, friend? I'll say you're not one.
Every now and then, I have a chance meeting
bacon, eggs and pancakes for some secret eating.
Jelly jam on toast is another bacon friend
sausage is a clown, breakfast make-believe pretend.

When you make the bacon make it orange and crispy
that soggy floppy bacon is just gonna sicken me.
Bacon is so nice, it's my special breakfast treat
but now it's time for lunch so why doncha have a seat.

My friends tried to stop me, they said I look palid
but I snuck away for a bacon cobb salad.
Bacon on some bread makes your sad sandwich happy
bacon in my pockets please somebody slap me!

Bacon in the tank of my motorcycle
bacon in a public bathroom with George Michael.
Bacon with your lunch will only get you thinner
but it's getting late, bacon's what's for dinner.

Bacon on a plate, when you're all alone
bacon party over hear, bacon on the telephone.
Bacon mayo cheese, on a hamburger sandwich
gotta get a grip because I just can't handle this.

Bacon after dark gives me so much power
I meet my bacon friends for the witching hour.
Ever kill a man for the flavor of bacon?
Front door's locked so I say just break in.
When I'm in you're home, I've got bacon on my mind
rummage through your fridgeridge to see what I can find.
And when I've found some bacon worth takin'
I put it in my mouth and I pray to Kevin Bacon.

Bacon is a friend to all the forest creatures
all the city folk and the backwoods preachers.
Bacon on a finger, bacon on a fork
bacon for desert, crispy crackly ice cream pork.
Have it only on the weekend, well that just seems silly.
Bacon eatin' every day until the day it kills me!

How to Blow Off a Finger This Fourth of July

The Fourth of July is a magical holiday when you can travel back in time and experience the giddy, unbridled joy that can only come from the kind of aggressive, testosterone fueled violence that we Americans have celebrated since the insurgence of our Founding Fathers lead to us winning our independence from our Imperial Overlords, the British. And what better way to celebrate such a holiday than to eat plenty of grilled meat, drink copious amounts of your favorite alcoholic beverages and actively pursue the instantaneous and gruesome loss of one or more digits!

It starts at home

Possibly the most important thing you do in the days leading up to the Fourth of July is to Acquire More Fireworks! I know what you're thinking: But I already have fireworks. Of course you do, but you certainly don't have enough, nor are they of the right kind! A basic rule of thumb when determining the amount of fireworks required to properly celebrate the Fourth of July is approximately one duffel bag of fireworks for every five people celebrating, not including mortars and other professional grade displays. Do not include sparklers in this calculation.

Note: Certain states, such as Connecticut, do not allow the sale of real fireworks, instead only allowing fake fireworks such as sparklers, fountains and smoke bombs to be sold. This is a direct attack on your freedoms; contact your legislator. Until this is resolved, drive to a nearby state that allows the sale of real fireworks such as bottle rockets with report, M-80s, roman candles and jumping jacks.

Finger bang

So you've procured the proper amount and type of fireworks - Great! You are one step closer to losing a finger! On the big day, you'll want to load up on caffeine, sugar, red bull, B vitamins, coolatas - choose your own adventure. You'll need lots of energy, for there is much to do! Once you're buzzing on your energy of choice, you'll want to clear the chatter in your head with several bracing shots of your favorite hard liquor, some beer and perhaps some mixed drinks such as margaritas or mojitos. If you choose to combine the booze and energy drinks into one cup, such as a red bull vodka - good move! Kill two birds with one stone!

Once you've worked yourself into a lather, it's time for the magic to happen. Don't be afraid to throw fireworks at small children and dogs - they love the attention! A lot of people frown on lighting off fireworks indoors, but this thinking is flawed - the Fourth of July is as American as Apple Pie, and like Apple Pie, it should be enjoyed indoors, preferable in the kitchen!

Many people don't know the proper way to launch a bottle rocket because the name is, in fact, a misnomer. These little joy-rockets are meant to be launched from the hand, not from a spent beer bottle! I have gotten great results from lighting these beauts and throwing them straight up in the air - spectators find the unexpected nature of their flight patterns to be delightfully random and exhilarating!

Later in the evening, when all the fireworks are gone, there's one last game to play with your buddies as you sit around the camp fire and reflect on all the freedom you've enjoyed that night. This game is called Uh Oh, and it involves placing a full, capped bottle of beer into the fire and saying: "Uh Oh." As the beer heats and expands, testing the holding power of the cap, time elapses and everyone forgets that some crazed fool threw a bottle of beer into the fire. Then, when you least expect it - BOOM! The pressure created by the expanding liquid and gas inside the bottle overwhelms the crown of the cap, firing it like a hot bullet directly into the faces of all your closest friends and family!