About three weeks ago, I got that old itch that I get every few years where I'm compelled to complete the list of things I wanted to do when I was a kid. The list included such glamorous activities as Working at Dunkin Donuts, which I did in High School. I figured you could take the donuts home with you at the end of the night instead of throwing them away, and to be honest, what kid wouldn't want a 50 gallon industrial garbage bag full of donuts? I also wanted to be a Reverend like Reverend Jim on Taxi, by getting the title out of the back of a magazine rather than in the Jesus sense - I checked that off the list in college when my friend Matt showed me ULC.org. I also briefly wanted to attach a hang glider to a mountain bike and ride it down a hill and fly away, but I had to scratch that off the list once I heard about physics, and I'm not so sure I want to do that anymore, anyway.
Surprisingly, riding a motorcycle and being an awesome rock star didn't appear on the list until later in life, and those too have been checked off. This left one lonely little item: Become a Stand Up Comedian. As a kid in the 80's and early 90's I used to stay up late and watch Evening at the Improv and think: I want to do that. Every few years I get the itch, but never really follow through with it - playing in a band always made it easy not to pursue that.
But about two or three weeks ago I got that itch again, and started writing jokes - a lot. Then yesterday at about 10 am, out of nowhere, I got a wild hair up my ass, said Fuck It, and decided that I should go to the open mic down at Joker's Wild in New Haven that night. Woefully unprepared, I threw away almost everything I had written, relying only one bit about texting Jesus, one memory from high school and the Awesomecicles story. I went on at about 12:30 and bombed in front of a dwindling, all-laughed-out crowd of about twenty, which consisted mostly of other amateur comedians, the host and the bartender.
But fuck it, right? I recorded it and listened to it on the way home - I wasn't nearly as bad as I thought I was, albeit I had no pacing, timing, or really any jokes. I was relying heavily on delivery, but I botched that, too. Proudly, though, I can say that I didn't tell one dick joke. Sadly, dick jokes are my wheel house...
So in summation, I will be doing that again, it will be less painful next time, and I have finally completed the list of things I wanted to do as a kid. Oh, and next time, there will be dick jokes...
Showing posts with label Jesus. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jesus. Show all posts
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Thursday, April 21, 2011
The Story of Easter
The idea of a Zombie Jesus who stalks one random Saturday night every Spring looking for fresh Christians to feast upon, dropping little, colorful egg-shaped hunks of his own soured and rotten Jesus-flesh for small children to find and eat the following Sunday is, to say the least, only a little bit disturbing. Add to that a Night of the Lepus breaking and entering scavenger hunt staring the demented rabbit from Donnie Darko, and the mythology becomes just plain silly.
Here's how it really went down:
Some two thousand years ago there was a guy called Jesus. Imagine a mix between The Dude in The Big Lebowski and Matthew McConaughey - generally a piece loving, abs-rocking party boy. Jesus and his posse tried to overthrow the financial corruption in their time in much the same way Fonzie might have on Happy Days.
In response to this flagrant misbehavior, The Man came down on our hero, and hard. One of Jesus' homies sold him out, and he was tried for war crimes. The Man - 1, The Jesus - 0. They even put him up on a cross as if to say to the other party boys: I got you all in check. It is in this way that Jesus died for some sins.
Jesus' posse, having seen his corpse wink mischievously, stole his body and hid it in a cave. A few weeks or months later, Jesus woke up from his bummer-coma, stretched, and sought out his posse. Having reconvened, they threw a wonderful party with plentiful fruits and breads and delicious meats and wine - oh, was there wine! This party went on for several days, but unbeknownst to the posse, he had died late on the first night, having slipped on a banana peel and suffering a severe brain hemorrhage.
Here's how it really went down:
Some two thousand years ago there was a guy called Jesus. Imagine a mix between The Dude in The Big Lebowski and Matthew McConaughey - generally a piece loving, abs-rocking party boy. Jesus and his posse tried to overthrow the financial corruption in their time in much the same way Fonzie might have on Happy Days.
In response to this flagrant misbehavior, The Man came down on our hero, and hard. One of Jesus' homies sold him out, and he was tried for war crimes. The Man - 1, The Jesus - 0. They even put him up on a cross as if to say to the other party boys: I got you all in check. It is in this way that Jesus died for some sins.
Jesus' posse, having seen his corpse wink mischievously, stole his body and hid it in a cave. A few weeks or months later, Jesus woke up from his bummer-coma, stretched, and sought out his posse. Having reconvened, they threw a wonderful party with plentiful fruits and breads and delicious meats and wine - oh, was there wine! This party went on for several days, but unbeknownst to the posse, he had died late on the first night, having slipped on a banana peel and suffering a severe brain hemorrhage.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Everyone Was Cavemans
Happy Earthmas 2011!
As we get ready to take up arms for our annual New Year's Flogging, let us reflect on the truth, as ugly as it may be. New Year's is really just Christmas Part II. I know what's reluctantly about to slip from your quivering lips: But New Year's is Non-Denominational, and is therefore Atheistically Sacred! Well, I call Bullshit... we measure years in relation to Jesus. AD. Anno Domini. In the year of our lord.
And it seems that just before Jesus, BC, everyone was cavemans. Perhaps Jesus came along and waved his magic dinner at some neanderthals and Poof, civilization. Probably not, but he did come along and we did start counting. Now we're up to about 2011.
In thinking about this, I decided to google Jesus Year. Turns out it's an actual thing, and I'm about a year and a half away from mine - which fills me with sadness juice. Such is life.
Anyway, all that is moot as long as we get indigestion from the many gallons of champagne, make noise, drop balls and play kissy-face with strangers. That's what New Year's Eve is all about, right? Here's to new beginnings, old beginnings, bygones, resolutions, etc... Watch out for the fuzz, keep your head on straight and look out for those with herpes - because at the end of the count-down it's no holds barred and you're one greasy smooch away from starting 2011 off with a hefty Valtrex bill.
As we get ready to take up arms for our annual New Year's Flogging, let us reflect on the truth, as ugly as it may be. New Year's is really just Christmas Part II. I know what's reluctantly about to slip from your quivering lips: But New Year's is Non-Denominational, and is therefore Atheistically Sacred! Well, I call Bullshit... we measure years in relation to Jesus. AD. Anno Domini. In the year of our lord.
And it seems that just before Jesus, BC, everyone was cavemans. Perhaps Jesus came along and waved his magic dinner at some neanderthals and Poof, civilization. Probably not, but he did come along and we did start counting. Now we're up to about 2011.
In thinking about this, I decided to google Jesus Year. Turns out it's an actual thing, and I'm about a year and a half away from mine - which fills me with sadness juice. Such is life.
Anyway, all that is moot as long as we get indigestion from the many gallons of champagne, make noise, drop balls and play kissy-face with strangers. That's what New Year's Eve is all about, right? Here's to new beginnings, old beginnings, bygones, resolutions, etc... Watch out for the fuzz, keep your head on straight and look out for those with herpes - because at the end of the count-down it's no holds barred and you're one greasy smooch away from starting 2011 off with a hefty Valtrex bill.
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Five Mrs. Claus'!
The story of Christmas as told by the lawn decorations at the house down the street...
Once there was a fanciful baby Jesus who lived in a small town in Connecticut. So fancy was he that a crowd of five gathered around his West-Side manger where they were mesmerized into staring at him for all of December. DCF had taken the month off, so his cheeky bare-assedness brought no question upon the fitness of his parents.
This spectacle drew the Three Wise Snowmen out of hiding, who had journeyed from some distant land like Taiwan or Korea. They came bearing gifts such as Frankincense, Myrrh, and Penguins. When they arrived at the manger, there was trouble afoot - there had been a threat from the North. Seven Santas had descended upon the manger and tried to smoke out the sweet little baby Jesus by blasting fifty year old Christmas music all day and all night, Koresh/Waco/Davidian style.
The Snowmen and Penguins fought valiantly against the seven deadly Santas, six sacks of presents, FIVE MRS. CLAUS'! Four tannenbaums, three glowing reindeer, two inflated Homers and an army of elves and barber poles.
Once there was a fanciful baby Jesus who lived in a small town in Connecticut. So fancy was he that a crowd of five gathered around his West-Side manger where they were mesmerized into staring at him for all of December. DCF had taken the month off, so his cheeky bare-assedness brought no question upon the fitness of his parents.
This spectacle drew the Three Wise Snowmen out of hiding, who had journeyed from some distant land like Taiwan or Korea. They came bearing gifts such as Frankincense, Myrrh, and Penguins. When they arrived at the manger, there was trouble afoot - there had been a threat from the North. Seven Santas had descended upon the manger and tried to smoke out the sweet little baby Jesus by blasting fifty year old Christmas music all day and all night, Koresh/Waco/Davidian style.
The Snowmen and Penguins fought valiantly against the seven deadly Santas, six sacks of presents, FIVE MRS. CLAUS'! Four tannenbaums, three glowing reindeer, two inflated Homers and an army of elves and barber poles.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Licking Doorhandles
"Look, the people you are after are the people you depend on. We cook your meals, we haul your trash, we connect your calls, we drive your ambulances. We guard you while you sleep. Do not... fuck with us." - Tyler Durden, Fight Club
This morning I saw this dubious ad slamming Chris Murphy for backing a heathcare reform bill that robbed Medicare, gave copious amounts of health care to illegals and ensured every sex offender would get a monthly ration of Viagra. When did mudslinging get all Mad Max? Or is it Twilight Zone?
Imagine the first person to own a horse. He comes back to his village, in his hand is a rope which is attached to a horse. He's clearly been through a lot - what with having spent his afternoon battling a wild stallion. The reaction* of the locals is unkind; "You must be off your nut, carrying on with a wild animal like that - bringing it near my children." Or, "Oh, good. I've always wanted to be bit by a horse while whittling on my front porch." But in due time, the locals saw his genius. He would ride his horse over great distances, use it to carry things he didn't want to carry himself, impress ladies...
Pushing a horse like that through congress is sure to raise some concerns but Jesus. Shouldn't health care be like roads or cops - there for general public enjoyment? Are we supposed to be at the mercy of the white-collar fat-backs in the insurance industry if we Can afford it, and Damned if we can't?
Okay, let's say you don't think health care is for everyone. Let me point over here at exhibit A - company provided flu shots. You bastards line up in droves to get your free flu shot, which the company pays for proactively to derail any profit-sucking epidemics. The same theory applies to the public health; but in the grander stroke of it, the entire economy suffers, en large...
...and I seem to have gone into a diatribe. So I'll leave you with this:
My Scare Tactic:
The untreated sick are out there - like zombies wandering the streets, the countryside, going about their business and coughing on things. Poor people everywhere, licking the door handles of office buildings, leaving hot dumps on the floors of public restrooms, not washing their hands. They are preparing your food, they are handling your paperwork, they are high-fiving you. They are legion.
* Please read reaction with a British accent.
This morning I saw this dubious ad slamming Chris Murphy for backing a heathcare reform bill that robbed Medicare, gave copious amounts of health care to illegals and ensured every sex offender would get a monthly ration of Viagra. When did mudslinging get all Mad Max? Or is it Twilight Zone?
Imagine the first person to own a horse. He comes back to his village, in his hand is a rope which is attached to a horse. He's clearly been through a lot - what with having spent his afternoon battling a wild stallion. The reaction* of the locals is unkind; "You must be off your nut, carrying on with a wild animal like that - bringing it near my children." Or, "Oh, good. I've always wanted to be bit by a horse while whittling on my front porch." But in due time, the locals saw his genius. He would ride his horse over great distances, use it to carry things he didn't want to carry himself, impress ladies...
Pushing a horse like that through congress is sure to raise some concerns but Jesus. Shouldn't health care be like roads or cops - there for general public enjoyment? Are we supposed to be at the mercy of the white-collar fat-backs in the insurance industry if we Can afford it, and Damned if we can't?
Okay, let's say you don't think health care is for everyone. Let me point over here at exhibit A - company provided flu shots. You bastards line up in droves to get your free flu shot, which the company pays for proactively to derail any profit-sucking epidemics. The same theory applies to the public health; but in the grander stroke of it, the entire economy suffers, en large...
...and I seem to have gone into a diatribe. So I'll leave you with this:
My Scare Tactic:
The untreated sick are out there - like zombies wandering the streets, the countryside, going about their business and coughing on things. Poor people everywhere, licking the door handles of office buildings, leaving hot dumps on the floors of public restrooms, not washing their hands. They are preparing your food, they are handling your paperwork, they are high-fiving you. They are legion.
* Please read reaction with a British accent.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
Bonzo Goes to Santaland
This one's going out to those suffering from new beginnings...
The Ramones have a drastically expansive back-catalog that covers a broad swath of musical type and style, but for some reason, Bonzo Goes to Bitburg always strikes me as a Christmas song. Maybe the singular mind of the Consumer Juggernaut has been listening to Bonzo Goes to Bitburg and feels the same way - the stores already have Christmas crap in them. When I see red and green ornaments and cotton snow covered miniature village scenes in September, my initial reaction is "Jesus..."
Maybe that's the point - consumerism is whipping back around, full circle, back to religion. Buy more stuff, amass great quantities, build a bridge to god, ask for money.
After all, there is some Deadly Serious purchasing power in those collection plates...
The Ramones have a drastically expansive back-catalog that covers a broad swath of musical type and style, but for some reason, Bonzo Goes to Bitburg always strikes me as a Christmas song. Maybe the singular mind of the Consumer Juggernaut has been listening to Bonzo Goes to Bitburg and feels the same way - the stores already have Christmas crap in them. When I see red and green ornaments and cotton snow covered miniature village scenes in September, my initial reaction is "Jesus..."
Maybe that's the point - consumerism is whipping back around, full circle, back to religion. Buy more stuff, amass great quantities, build a bridge to god, ask for money.
After all, there is some Deadly Serious purchasing power in those collection plates...
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