The world may be ending, but it's never looked so good...
Things may not be as apocalyptic as I had first thought - perhaps this mass avian splat is just a Divine Wind, or some kind of indicator of economic recovery. When I heard that several quality pieces of legislation (911 Health Care, Extended Unemployment, DADT Repeal, etc...) were passed in the Zero Hour of 2010, I suspiciously expected the worst. But maybe good news is just Good News. Next thing you know they'll be handing out 50" plasma TVs to everybody.*
So I'm going to have to revoke yesterday's advice to Go Limp. At the time it was completely accurate and logistically sound. But it is a new day, so to that end heed this revised advice for 2011: Knives Out. It is time to dominate opportunity violently - this will be the year of the Great Windfall. The only way to get yours is to run headlong into the fray, with no fear in your heart, screaming ancient guttural battle cries.
* I've been told mine is in the mail.
Showing posts with label 2011. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 2011. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
The Sky is Falling
"And behold, and, lo, in the midst of the throne and of the four beasts, and in the midst of the elders, stood a Lamb as it had been slain, having seven horns and seven eyes, which are the seven Spirits of God sent forth into all the earth." - Revelation 5:6
Okay, so 2010 is kaput - but what does 2011 have in store for us? Well, if recent news [1] [2] is any indicator, Boiling Blood Floods and Plagues of Locusts are in order. Is this the End of Days? Was the Mayan Calendar wrong? Is it possible that 5,125 years ago, someone made a slight clerical error that lulled us into thinking that 2012 was the bad egg and we have an Extra Year?
My advice? Go limp. The world is about to grab at you and shake - and any struggling will be construed as Resisting Arrest, and you Will take the fall. Strange days are coming. Captains of industry will beg on their knees after the poor, who will, of course, rise up and form rabblous violent goon squads who's only currency is Grievous Bodily Harm and who therefore cannot be bought.
Sound bad? Not really... sounds like the early 70's corporate espionage to me. Just burn your pay stubs and carry a wooden umbrella... you'll do fine.
Okay, so 2010 is kaput - but what does 2011 have in store for us? Well, if recent news [1] [2] is any indicator, Boiling Blood Floods and Plagues of Locusts are in order. Is this the End of Days? Was the Mayan Calendar wrong? Is it possible that 5,125 years ago, someone made a slight clerical error that lulled us into thinking that 2012 was the bad egg and we have an Extra Year?
My advice? Go limp. The world is about to grab at you and shake - and any struggling will be construed as Resisting Arrest, and you Will take the fall. Strange days are coming. Captains of industry will beg on their knees after the poor, who will, of course, rise up and form rabblous violent goon squads who's only currency is Grievous Bodily Harm and who therefore cannot be bought.
Sound bad? Not really... sounds like the early 70's corporate espionage to me. Just burn your pay stubs and carry a wooden umbrella... you'll do fine.
Monday, January 3, 2011
2011 - Thunderdome
"Me order! Me Master! Me run Bartertown!" - Master, Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome
2010 went out with a meager wisp of smoke, and I can't say I'll miss it. Don't get me wrong - it was a strong year in a number of ways, but by the end it was like buying a fifteen dollar ticket to beat your head against a premium cinder block wall. It could have been worse, though. If 2010 went out with a fight, it would've been like getting into the cage with a rabid ferret - mysterious and elusive, the ferret wins every time. Yep, we could be ending this year with a 7 gauge short bevel needle full of rabies serum in the belly.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Everyone Was Cavemans
Happy Earthmas 2011!
As we get ready to take up arms for our annual New Year's Flogging, let us reflect on the truth, as ugly as it may be. New Year's is really just Christmas Part II. I know what's reluctantly about to slip from your quivering lips: But New Year's is Non-Denominational, and is therefore Atheistically Sacred! Well, I call Bullshit... we measure years in relation to Jesus. AD. Anno Domini. In the year of our lord.
And it seems that just before Jesus, BC, everyone was cavemans. Perhaps Jesus came along and waved his magic dinner at some neanderthals and Poof, civilization. Probably not, but he did come along and we did start counting. Now we're up to about 2011.
In thinking about this, I decided to google Jesus Year. Turns out it's an actual thing, and I'm about a year and a half away from mine - which fills me with sadness juice. Such is life.
Anyway, all that is moot as long as we get indigestion from the many gallons of champagne, make noise, drop balls and play kissy-face with strangers. That's what New Year's Eve is all about, right? Here's to new beginnings, old beginnings, bygones, resolutions, etc... Watch out for the fuzz, keep your head on straight and look out for those with herpes - because at the end of the count-down it's no holds barred and you're one greasy smooch away from starting 2011 off with a hefty Valtrex bill.
As we get ready to take up arms for our annual New Year's Flogging, let us reflect on the truth, as ugly as it may be. New Year's is really just Christmas Part II. I know what's reluctantly about to slip from your quivering lips: But New Year's is Non-Denominational, and is therefore Atheistically Sacred! Well, I call Bullshit... we measure years in relation to Jesus. AD. Anno Domini. In the year of our lord.
And it seems that just before Jesus, BC, everyone was cavemans. Perhaps Jesus came along and waved his magic dinner at some neanderthals and Poof, civilization. Probably not, but he did come along and we did start counting. Now we're up to about 2011.
In thinking about this, I decided to google Jesus Year. Turns out it's an actual thing, and I'm about a year and a half away from mine - which fills me with sadness juice. Such is life.
Anyway, all that is moot as long as we get indigestion from the many gallons of champagne, make noise, drop balls and play kissy-face with strangers. That's what New Year's Eve is all about, right? Here's to new beginnings, old beginnings, bygones, resolutions, etc... Watch out for the fuzz, keep your head on straight and look out for those with herpes - because at the end of the count-down it's no holds barred and you're one greasy smooch away from starting 2011 off with a hefty Valtrex bill.
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