Cutting Cakes With Doctor Awful - Part 6

Continued from Part 5...

With Doctor Awful having left the room, the office folk had returned to their business. Loathsome Kevin stared sadly at the plate of cakes sitting on the edge of the desk, shifting his weight uncomfortably from one swollen ham to the other. "Oh no, this won't do..." he muttered to himself as he carefully gripped the edges of the flimsy paper plate where the fourteen half-circle cakes were arranged. Halfheartedly lifting, he slid the plate toward the edge of the desk and the garbage can waiting below.

It was in this moment when it all clicked for Mr. Somewhat Reasonably Normal. Time stopped moving fast. It would be a full two minutes before the cakes hit the bottom of the garbage can, seemingly, which would be plenty of time to stop them from falling all the way.

In the instant that the plate began to slide off toward the edge of the desk, a series of facts, ideas, and notions began to play in Mr. Somewhat Reasonably Normal's mind, and the fog began to clear. Doctor Awful hates Loathsome Kevin - thus the title Loathsome (this, of course, accompanied by his potent lack of physical fitness and pungent aroma). Doctor Awful is a known sociopath - the type who has Guns and Ammo magazine delivered at work. As of late, there had been a string of vandalism in Doctor Awful's neighborhood, where Mr. Somewhat Reasonably Normal lived - first it was mail boxes exploding, then manhole covers being blown out of place, climaxing with overhead power line transformer explosions that seemed to have been triggered by certain cordless phone signals. Nearly every home in the area was hit aside from Mr. Somewhat Reasonably Normal house and Doctor Awful's own musty basement apartment. But that had all stopped a month before.

The final fact that clicked as the cakes went overboard was that Doctor Awful had recently taken an advanced cooking class and was always quite vocal about the "lovely things you could hide in a cake."

It was at this moment that Mr. Somewhat Reasonably Normal sprang into action - dashing, albeit in slow motion, toward Loathsome Kevin's desk shouting "Don't!" Although his thoughts quickened, his movements had not. His mind, outpacing his body, had imagined his right foot well in advance of his left, catching the heel and bringing the entire man to the ground, chin first, with a sharp thud that went unheard under the deep thump of the cakes hitting the bottom of the garbage can. Loathsome Kevin watched with horrified disbelief on his be-jowled face - his eyes knew something was terribly wrong, but did not know what.

Exactly three seconds after the cakes hit the bottom of the can -- POOK! A controlled detonation sent a shotgun plug of burnt cream cheese frosting through the air, coating the ceiling and Loathsome Kevin's puffy, wincing red face as he let out a muted, squirmy yelp. The rich smell of mothballs curled from the smoking steel garbage can which recoiled and fell over, dumping banana peels and candy wrappers to the floor as garnish on the crime-scene mess that would be left there until the janitors came later in the week.

Cutting Cakes With Doctor Awful - Part 5

Continued from Part 4...

"Everybody gather 'round!" Doctor Awful shouted from the entry to Loathsome Kevin's cubicle - a poorly lit, dusty hovel covered in cat hair and canned-food spatter. Loathsome Kevin looked up, exhaustion spreading across his face at the mere appearance of Doctor Awful. He adjusted his bulk in the just-big-enough gray office chair, his spine curled like a puffy Cheeto.

"To what do I owe the, uh... pleasure, doc?" Loathsome Kevin squeezed from his blubbery lips, becoming less comfortable as the office crowd gathered.

"I've come to offer an olive branch, so to speak. Just look at these delicious Moon Pies I've baked you! Just for you!" Cheer and spit flew from Doctor Awful's lips like burning embers of potassium nitrate showering from the end of a lit sparkler. "Not for you, you wretched wench!" he shouted at the other officefolk, blank eyed and at no one in particular.

"Waaah... well, uh, I think I'll take a pass, doc. It's-a, hmm... it's this new diet I'm on. It's very specific." Loathsome Kevin, now seemingly fearful, slowly pushing himself away on the wheels of his stained gray office chair.

"What! Yes! No! Um, yes, this will be fine. Yes, Kevin, I will leave these right here on the edge of your desk here for you. For you. This will be just fine. No, it will all work out. Yes." With that, Doctor Awful carefully placed the dish on Loathsome Kevin's desk and walked away, twitching, and muttering something about "...in the trunk..."

All the while, Mr. Somewhat Reasonably Normal looked on unnoticed from the edge of the room. Watching. Waiting.

To be continued (part 6)...

Cutting Cakes With Doctor Aweful - Part 4

Continued from Part 3...

Earnest is probably the best word to describe the way in which Doctor Awful spread the prepackaged cream cheese frosting on the urinal cakes with the serrated bread knife. He was at the same time careful and haphazard, his intensity of focus occasionally overcome by twitchy fits of excitement which broadened the stroke of his frosting, extending the off-white smear across his work surface, which happened to be the trunk of his late 80's Honda Accord - a decrepit gray thing that leaked oil, had suffered severe raccoon damage leaving all interior upholstery ravaged, and smelled of musty old grapes from the outside.

There is a certain point in any illicit activity when it becomes wise to step back and let others perform the tasks that would otherwise leave a participant in a more actionable position, and at this point in his life, Mr. Somewhat Reasonably Normal was an excellent judge of these things - he had come a long way since his days as Young Disaffected Misanthrope. It was for this reason that he stood back and let Doctor Awful perform the act of Criminal Disguise on these non-food items. "He's never gonna eat those. What are you gonna tell him they are?"

"He will eat them, damn it! They're Moon Pies. His favorite." Doctor Awful said through his gnashed teeth while attempting to affect some artistic pizzazz with his brush.

"You see, that's where you're wrong - for one, even if they weren't cut in half, they are still way too chunky. And, Moon Pies aren't even frosted. You are a fool, this will never work." With that, Mr. Somewhat Reasonably Normal walked away.

"Okay, fine... they're Half-Moon Pies." Doctor Awful shouted, "He'll love them! He loves to eat piss!" 

To be continued (part 5)...

Cutting Cakes With Doctor Aweful - Part 2

Continued from Part 1...

"So, what's the plan with these, Doc?" Mr. Somewhat Reasonably Normal asked.

Doctor Awful stopped, plastic cage hanging from his mouth and stared into Mr. Somewhat Reasonably Normal's eyes the same exact way the devil does before placing the Big Bet on a man's character, drawing out the uncomfortable pause. "Do you remember that little wager Kevin and I had going the other week? Well, it seems that he wants to have his cake and eat it too. Yes, this is the only way..."

It was true, Doctor Awful had bet Loathsome Kevin that he couldn't stuff fourteen Hostess Ding Dongs in his mouth, mostly on the merit that it could be held over Loathsome Kevin's head for quite some time that he had crammed fourteen Ding Dongs in his mouth, a prize well worth the wager, at $100.

"That bastard is trying to flip it on me, saying I'm the type of guy who'd pay another man to put mouth on his Ding Dong. It won't stand! These cakes, it's what I need break even - I've already got four from the other bathroom. All these split in half'll make an even fourteen. Let's see if that fool will double down. We're gonna need frosting." With that Doctor Awful began vibrating gently.

To be continued (part 3)...

Cutting Cakes With Doctor Awful - Part 1

Mr. Somewhat Reasonably Normal stood at the middle urinal in a row of three, tending to business - thinking, breathing, trying not to breath, peeing obviously, when suddenly bursting into the tiled industrial men's room was an irate and clearly erratic Doctor Awful.

Without skipping a beat Doctor Awful grabbed Mr. Somewhat Reasonably Normal by his lapels and pulled him away from his attentions, slamming him against the concrete and ceramic tile wall, which was filthy, covered in several years of the foulest grime. Mr. Somewhat Reasonably Normal was not finished with the urinal, and in the suddenness of the moment wet Doctor Awful's pants for him.

Undestracted and now fully focused on Mr. Somewhat Reasonably Normal, Doctor Awful started shouting orders directly into Mr. Somewhat Reasonably Normal's face, dotting his cheeks, nose, lips, eyes and chin with frothy white coagulated spit.

"There isn't much time! You have a knife, don't you? Well you're going to need it, pal. We've got to cut these cakes in half - immediately! Here, take these." Doctor Awful began scooping up the urinal cakes, one by one, try dramatically to free them from their slotted plastic housing, eventually resorting to using his teeth to bite through the plastic.

Never being one to shy away from a challenge, Mr. Somewhat Reasonably Normal zipped up, then took each urinal cake, placed it on the floor, and pressed the blade of his pocket knife against the waxy puck until it split, releasing a fragrant waft of moth ball.

To be continued (part 2)...