TigerMomBlood

"We walk the streets at night, we go where eagles dare..." - Where Eagles Dare, Misfits

A few weeks ago I caught wind of this TigerBlood internship shenaniganza, and as you can imagine, I applied immediately. A paid summer of misadventure with a known psychopath... I even made it deep into the second round of interviews, on the strength of my blog alone, before I got the axe. It could've been great, but it's for the best that I didn't get that gig - it really could have only ended one way. Together, Charlie Sheen and I would have formed a crude bad decision engine powered by meanness and liquor - a self-perpetuating positive feedback loop of increasingly questionable behavior and traumatic outbursts that would have eventually lead to no less than one death, and maybe as much as the overthrow of a small South American government or even the seceding of a Midwestern state. Of course, at best, it could have lead to fully armed rescue mission to Libya to save the children, bring them to LA, and nurse them back from the brink on TigerMomBlood - straight from the teat.

To be honest, though, I'm probably just on the cusp of being too old to be an intern, and I gave up TigerBlood years ago - I've moved on to something a little more... potent. And difficult to acquire. What I yearn for must be hunted, snuck up upon, and consumed immediately and straight from the tap or else run the risk of sudden and irreversible paralysis of the legs, migraines and other emotional symptoms.

What is this Nectar of the Gods you ask? It's the blood of the Tigrilla. The only source is an elite hybrid - a genetic blend of tiger and gorilla, only recently developed by a team of arcane scientists in a high tech and heavily fortified lab out in the jungles of Guangdong, China. These big bastards have the looks, temperament and martial arts skills of a Thundercat, which makes it rather difficult to sneak up on and drink from. But what can I say, I go where eagles dare.

Earthquake Rattles Team Sheen

I was really hoping to not have to mention Charlie Sheen again this week, but alas...

Charlie Sheen stalled in his Guinness Book run-up early Friday morning as an 8.9  magnitude (thanks Mel) earthquake struck Japan. The scene on the ground was frantic as Sheen's publicity team scurried to develop an elaborate, last-minute stunt involving various large zoo mammals and orthodontic equipment when a Golden Ticket was dropped in their laps - in the form of an obsessed Amish man and potential Sheen intern Breaking and Entering.

The earthquake, weighing in just a mere 1.1 magnitude shy of Epic, caused widespread politeness and shy naval-gazing in the streets. Early reports indicate that the Central Air is working and there is plenty of whiskey.

From Wikipedia: Magnitude 8.0-8.9 - Great - Can cause serious damage in areas several hundred miles across.

Special thanks to my friend and resident of Japan, Meljo, for the insight. Mel and Matt, stay safe and gather weapons. 

Mindbending, Twenty Pound Cat

“I hope if dogs take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas...” - Jack Handy

It looks like I will be attempting to write up the Art of Speed show, in short order, and submitting it somewhere. There is photographic evidence, out there, of my inebriated note-taking in some hip young bar in downtown Middletown, so the jig is up. I haven't yet looked at those notes... I'm too afraid. I remember scratching something out in the bleak darkness on the ride home, from the back seat of my own car - it was that kind of night. It takes some considerable skill to write when you can't see...

I feel the need to reiterate the genius that is Charlie Sheen. I'm convinced that he failed in trying to connive some unscrupulous pay upgrade, and in retaliation is torpedoing the show with excessive strange behavior and megalomaniacal social media mindbending. Kudos to him, it's a hell of a ride.

Lastly, from left field: the cat's asshole exploded on Sunday night. This is no metaphor - ruptured anal gland, vet, antibiotics, recovery... It's a bit like Weird Christmas, she runs around exited, surprised, constantly stopping to look behind her. Good News: contrary to the assumed facts, this twenty pound isn't to fat to clean herself.

A Violent Torpedo of Truth

"fastball. the trolls are foaming from their toothless holes. rumor mill abundant with evil gossip. mainstream heretics smirking..." - Charlie Sheen 

I finally pulled my head out of my own ass long enough to investigate the Charlie Sheen Tweets and one thing is abundantly clear - the man is suffering from the kind of genius only money can buy. Money and a lot of drugs. But that's fine - it used to be that there was absolutely nothing more mesmerizing than watching a millionaire celebrity playboy cannonball himself around Hollywood, hopped up on goofballs, taking down any target he could get into his sights. But that has all changed now that some evil scientist has wired a high-speed CAT5 cable directly into the Id of their King.

I can only imagine what the world looks like through Charlie Sheen's eyes - it must be some early 90's version of Virtual Reality, everything in flat colored polygons with no detail, barely in 3D. Oh, what I'd pay to ride that Being John Malkovich carnival roller coaster - woo, boy! - with no brakes, speeding down that numb tunnel of crazy, taking down everything in my path, drinking Tigerblood and soaring on the wings of a pterodactyl...

But all that is neither here nor there. The Art of Speed show opened on Friday in Middletown, and from every angle I saw, it was a success. The opening was sponsored by Narragansett beer, so they poured that, keeping it classy by serving about four ounces at a time. These tiny cups of beer became impossible to manage as I had nothing to gauge them against, and they quickly got under me. As the art show settled down and after several strange conversations, we made our way to the after-party at Eli Cannon's where I managed to spill half a pint of delicious Sierra Nevada pale ale on Leigh's Iphone. #winning