Bad Advice #2 - Corporate Takeover, High Speed Bounce House

The problem with the 24 hour news cycle is that after commercials there are about 1,000 minutes per day of airtime that needs to be filled, so the idea of demanding photos of Zombie Bin Laden, which is in very bad taste and could cause very bad feelings toward America from various countries and is an all around bad idea, is actually a brilliant tactic to filibuster airtime. They can keep asking for the photos, but they won't get them. The unfortunate side effect is that people are getting riled up about it, but I have a solution. Just release a photo of Zombie Bin Laden's shoe at the scene - in the same way local news does when someone gets hit by a car. Death, tastefully done. But that's enough pontification, Tuesday's call for bad advice finally bore fruit, so here we go...

Ok Maxx i need advice... So i really HAVE NOT felt like going to work recently. What should i do about this?
-Jesse

Jesse,
The truth is, nobody really feels like going to work, unless they are of the very small percentage who actually love what they do (internet says 45%, but I call bullshit - figure 15%). So therefore, your quandary. What a lot of people do is either suck it up and feel grateful that they have a job, or try to pursue another occupation. This is wrong - why just cope with your situation? That's how those bastards win! And pursuing another occupation is like eating a ham sandwich and wishing it was turkey - if you had turkey, you'd want ham.

The good news is, you are not fucked. My initial response was to suggest procuring a large bag of drugs and see how that worked out, but in my heart I cannot suggest that. Becoming a zombie is just another way they win. You need to score a win for you. Here's how:

Spend more time chatting with your coworkers or customers - whoever you interact with regularly. Draw a line in the sand and determine who's on your side and who's not. Those who are for you, they are your army - treat them well. Remember - from here on out, you are in charge. Act like it!

Find small ways to make things more difficult for those who are against you - make more work for them, do petty untraceable things to make their lives progressively more miserable. You'll want to ramp it up slowly - over the course of about two months. Meanwhile, make small negative comments to your army about how lousy your enemies are - again ramping this up over the course of two months or so.


Once the division between the two groups reaches a boiling point, make a move to aggressively overthrow company leadership by first knocking down middle management, then moving on toward upper management. Once they submit to a series of superfluous demands, one of which will be to install you in either middle or upper management - a cushy position to be sure, take stock of your situation. Do you still hate coming in to work?

Good luck with that.
-Maxx

I wouldn't say I need bad advice per say but a little comic relief would help.
I was volunteered by a good friend to "help" her other good friend (a former foe of mine) to move home. A.k.a... Drive across country from AZ to CT with Ms. Wretched Negative Nelly. Normally I would've denied this offer but Negative Nelly turned into Sappy Sally Full of Tears & guilted me into it. In less than 2 week I'm embarking on this dreadful trip. Laughs please!!!!!
-Anonymous

Anonymous,
Two weeks, eh? There isn't much time. You'll need to stock up on techno music, inflatable pool toys, lots of Red Bull and salty snacks. You'll also want to pick up an air pump that you can plug into the cigarette lighter in the car.

Find out what kind of stereo is in the car. Tape? CD? 8 Track? Get lot's of techno music in that format and get ready to blast it. A basic rule of thumb is if something is annoying for everyone but you are the one doing it, your threshold will be much greater. For this to work, you will also have to locate and discard you friend's music selection, and if they put on the radio, always immediately scan around through static "looking for a station" until you get bored and put the techno on again.

The Red Bull is key. You will need this to maintain a constant high level of enthusiasm throughout the trip. Remember, our country is beautiful - take every chance to remind your friend of this by abruptly shouting "Ooh, look at that!" The salty snacks will enable you to drink more Red Bull between pee stops. Go team!

If your friend gets sleepy, let her sleep while you drive. Forty-five minutes should be enough for her to get into REM sleep, at which point you will want simultaneously crank the volume on the stereo and swerve erratically - this sudden panicky alertness will ensure maximum sleep deprivation.

The inflatables... this is where it gets tricky. You'll want to determine a time when it is appropriate to use the air pump to inflate the inflatables inside the car. If you really wear your friend down, you might be able to inflate them while she's driving. Otherwise, you will have to wait until she is out of the car. Regardless, the inflatables will likely exacerbate any feelings of ill will, so the use of caution is recommended. It's one thing to piss someone off, it's another to trap them in a crowded high speed bounce house.

Good luck with that.
-Maxx

Part 2 of Bad Advice #1

Open Discourse - that's what this is all about. Here's a response from yesterday's Bad Advice:

Maxx,
First, thank you for feeling slight angst. Your answer did match the level of angst I was feeling about the situation myself. Never saw tire valve core remover and Alka-Seltzer coming but it surely had an Office Space kind of feel to it. We most certainly appreciate the bad advice it made us laugh. And you may want to anticipate finding a breaking story on the local 5 o'clock news.

However, I could use some more bad advice. The company blackmailing me into working has a requirement to drug screen... Yes, let that sink in. They are black mailing, AND requiring a drug test. And the drug testing kit has arrived via FedEx. And I must drop it off at the testing center in which I must pay for out of my own pocket. Now all the moral fiber in my body says pee dirty and I'm off the hook, however what about unemployment? Could your next bit of bad advice make mention of a Molotov cocktail?

Whether you respond to this or not. I did want to share with you the on going absurdity and truly can not wait for child labor laws to be en vogue once again.
-Anonymous

Anonymous,
You are in a unique position - the ball is in your court, as they say in sports, which is kind of misleading because if the ball isn't in your court, it's out of bounds, and that's not really the spirit of the phrase... but I digress. The ball is in your court, and you can take this opportunity to create an advantage. Give the bastards what they want.

The first thing you need to do is procure another FedEx shipping pak from your local FedEx Shipping Center. You'll want the sealable plastic one - not a paper or cardboard shipper. Here's where you could go one of two ways - either stick to the moral fibers you spoke of and piss dirty, or stick it to science and find a pregnant woman or dog to pee for you. This will ensure that the pee is, scientifically, not yours. I have a feeling that the source of the sample will be moot, though.

Open the kit and immediately discard any instructions. Secure the sample, from whichever source you choose, in the provided cup. If the kit doesn't come with a cup this is fine - simply use a salad dressing size tupperware container or a babyfood jar with a lid. You'll probably want to wear rubber kitchen gloves, as this will get messy. Regardless of the type of container, when filling it you'll want to make sure you get a little bit of pee on the outside. It shouldn't be soaked with piss, mind you, just misted - in much the same way one might add a whisper of sweet vermouth to an otherwise dry martini. When complete, securely fasten the lid. Place the specimen in the FedEx mailer, and ship it to the hiring manager*.

For added professionalism, you may want to put a strip of masking tape on the side of the container so that you may label it with your name using a permanent marker.

Good luck with that.
-Maxx

* I would be remiss if I didn't mention that FedEx is very adamant about not shipping liquids in the FedEx Paks. Disregard this rule.

Bad Advice #1 - Prison, Liquor and Alka-Seltzer

Nice little glut of Bad Advice requests yesterday. As the Mayor of Bad Decision Country, I shall crack my knuckles and cut to the bone of these pressing issues...

Dear Maxx,
As a single woman full of conflict, I ask you if I should switch from dick to chick.
Signed,
Slightly Dykey in New Haven 

Dykey,
Let me open by suggesting straight off that if you're only slightly dykey, going full-on bo is probably not for you - the use of slightly implies the kind of air of whimsy that is often associated with attention-starved party dykes. This is not suggested as it would cheapen you and your conflict.

And seeing as you are full of conflict, one might think that going off to war might be a smart move, but this is also wrong, because while war is a great place for conflict, it is certainly the last place that conflict ever gets resolved and is therefore not suggested.

Before you swear off dicks all together, take a moment and reflect on all the good times you may or may not have had with them and remember, for every time someone points a dick at you, there are two balls pointing right back at them.

Perhaps the right move for you would be to sign up for a prison pen pal - look for one labeled "violent offender," as they tend to be particularly passionate in their endeavors. These fine specimens, kept under lock and key, are there for you - always waiting for the curly F's and exotic lowercase M's of your penmanship. And if you keep at it long enough, you may even get to participate in a series of terrifying, high-intensity conjugal visits. This is a sure-fire way to score some premium, off-the-market meat - real marriage material! Of course if this fails, perhaps now would be a good time to invest in twenty or so pussycats.

Good luck with that.
-Maxx

Is robbing a liquor store a reasonable way to come up with the money to buy a new computer or should i just slowly save my penny's?
-Risk 

Risk,
I see where you're going with this and while I agree that robbing a liquor store is the right place to start, I think you're loosing sight of the big picture here...

First thing you're going to want to do is go down to WalMart and buy any old rifle or whatever kind of firearm they sell that you don't need a permit or to wait seven days for. Purchase this in conjunction with a ski mask - one of those sketchy ones with holes for your eyes and mouth. Now you're ready for action. Load the rifle, grab a duffel bag and put on the ski mask and some nondescript dungarees and shoes - you don't want to wear anything flashy as it might inspire jealousy in the cashier. Enter the liquor store and immediately discharge the weapon at the ceiling above the clerk's head. This will imbue the clerk with a healthy respect for the situation. Now here's where I suggest you divert from your plan: don't go for the cash - grab booze. Stick to the high potency stuff, you'll need a lot of it for the next step.

Once you've made your getaway and stored your treasure, go down to the local Best Buy and apply for a job. During the interview, make sure you look good and let them know that you'll do any old menial job. Once hired, use the booze you stole to go to work drunk and labor tirelessly. In just a mere five years, give or take, you should be able to save up enough, and in combination with your sweet employee discount, score a really bitchin' computer.

Good luck with that.
-Maxx

You're unemployed, you're searching for a job, you've found one that will grossly under pay you and that you're are clearly over qualified for, which the employer has even made mention of in the interview. This new job would pay slightly better than unemployment but with unemployment you are guaranteed at minimum of 72 weeks of that shit...and you could still look for something better in the mean time.
Your finally offered the job after a 2 week wait and you mention to this company that you are concerned about the pay. The potential employer reminds you that if you do not take the job offered to you that they can report you to unemployment for denying work and you will be kicked off. What would Maxx do? -Anonymous 

Anonymous,
Well, I have to admit, this one pained me a little because it tickled my angst sensor and really activated my delicate sensibilities - but do not fear, I have settled down and re-focused.

The first thing you want to do, before accepting or rejecting the job is to show up unannounced during business hours. Take a handful of ephedrine or other energizing over the counter weight loss drugs before hand to ensure full alertness. Bring a tire valve core remover, a flat-head screwdriver, Alka-Seltzer tablets and some bolt cutters with you.

First identify the hiring manager's car and remove all the valves on the tires using the valve core remover and flat head screwdriver. This will ensure that the car needs to be towed to a tire shop on a flat bed. Then enter the office - you've already interviewed here, so you should be familiar with the facility. Leave the bolt cutters right outside the front door.

Enter the building. From the moment you pass through the front door, you will be running. Run in the most conspicuous way possible, incoherently shouting about mistresses and tax evasion. One of them will be relevant to someone there.

Find your way to the hiring manager's office. About thirty seconds before you get there, put the Alka-Seltzer in your mouth and crunch down - you want to work up a good foam. But remember, you are coming in hot, so you'll want to account for that when you're calculating your thirty seconds.

Burst into the hiring manager's office and immediately fall to the ground, convulsing and spewing foam. This will upset him/her. Security will finally catch up to you and everyone will be confused. Don't stop convulsing! Wait for them to eventually get there shit together enough to call the EMTs, and when they've mostly left the uncomfortable silence of the room for you to twitch in peace, spring into action again. This time, run out of the building grab the bolt cutters and cut the main power supply to the building and scram. Odds are the job offer will no longer be on the table.

Good luck with that.
-Maxx

Need Bad Advice?

Do you face an upcoming decision that's weighing heavily on your soul? Are you in a predicament that's grinding your insides to stringy pudding, and there's No Hope? Are the bastards crashing down your door, right now, blood dripping from their chapped lips and murderous intent beaming from their bulging bloodshot eyes?

Look no further! If you need bent, twisted, last-resort advice to help guide you from bad to worse, I'm here for you! As the Mayor of Bad Decision Country, I'm uniquely qualified to upgrade the terror alert level of any nasty little situation, including yours, guaranteed!

Simply post the key details of your predicament in the comments section below and I will provide you with the most thorough, up-to-date, worldly, godawful advice I can muster. Leave it to me - I know how to make your situation worse!