A Memo to The Little Free Library Patrons; May 15, 2020

Hello from your self-appointed Little Free Library librarian. For the safety of our patrons in light of COVID 19, we are establishing new rules around the removal and placing of literature within the outdoor Little Free Library cabinet.

Please do not loiter outside of the Little Free Library. If you find yourself at the Little Free Library without a mask, you may extract one book to use as a mask to prevent droplets.

If you are a child who is currently picking your nose, please do not use the Little Free Library. If you are very old and not wearing a mask because you are stubborn, or if you are under the age of 25 and aren't wearing a mask because you think you're invincible, I'm going to have to ask you not to use the Little Free Library. The Little Free Library is not responsible for lost or stolen items.

The Little Free Library is not a location to store your sandwich while you visit the regular library. The Little Free Library is for locals only; out-of-towners are not to use it due to a higher risk of depositing of droplets. There are to be no droplets deposited in the Little Free Library.

All deposits to the Little Free Library will be sanitized daily with either a dusting of Comet or powdered sugar, depending on availability. Please do not deposit your pornography in the Little Free Library. If your book has been "red flagged," please do not deposit it. The depositing of how-to books and cookbooks is prohibited as all that stuff is available online. The depositing of coffee table books of excessive size is also prohibited. If you insist on depositing pornography into the Little Free Library, please ensure that it is tasteful.

If you are homeless while using the Little Free Library, it is understood that you will not take books with lots of pages to use as toilet paper. If you are not homeless but having a hard time finding toilet paper, same goes for you. Understand: the pages of books DO NOT dematerialize in your septic system and they will clog the pipes. I repeat: THEY WILL CLOG THE PIPES. Don't ask me how I know, I just know. Don't use it. Also, paper cuts.

The Little Free Library will be sponsoring an afternoon tea and book discussion at 2:30 p.m. on the second Thursday of every month, rain or shine. Please bring your own chairs, table, tea, condiments, friends, book club, and books. There is often a heated debate because patrons are not reading the same book, and it is absolutely prohibited to discuss the title of the book.

During times of national mourning the Little Free Library will be at half-mast. No one is to extract any books, and only the deposit WWII books will be allowed. If you borrow a book from the Little Free Library and it stinks, please feel free to bring it to a friends house and hide it in their bathroom.

You can now follow the Little Free Library on TikTok. A new video of the Little Free Library will be posted daily, but due to privacy concerns, the titles of the books will be obscured.

If, in your perusing of the Little Free Library you find a title by Ian Fleming, it's your lucky day! Please extract the book and search inside the Little Free Library for a small candy, typically a Werther's Original. You win! Congrats!

Thank you for visiting the Little Free Library. Please be sure to tip your librarian.

The Coronavirus Limerick

There once was a merchant from Wuhan,
who sold me some nice bats to chew on.
I developed a cough,
and to top it all off,
all the people I meet I now flu on.

Maxx: Still Looking at Something on Amazon?

Hello Maxx, you recently viewed Caribbean Joe Ultra-Soft Double Brushed 4-Piece Microfiber Sheet Set. You know, the one with the pineapple pattern? It's a great looking bedding set, but I sense hesitation. Are you concerned that the Hawaiian-style motif will cause your wife to daydream about a tropical vacation, leading to an uncomfortable conversation? Is the pineapple not a symbol of hospitality and luxury - and isn't that the kind of symbolism you want in your bedroom, where you sleep, in spite of the crippling realities of your current unemployment, the ever-eroding environment, and a political climate so balmy with the spittle of vitriolic hate-speech that every day feels like being caught on a street corner in the pouring rain while passing car after passing car full of the true creme of giggling bozoness splashes you with grey street-water?

I hear ya. It's tough out there. So, I was thinking, based on your recent activity, we thought you might be interested in Deep South Barrels 2-Liter American White Oak Barrel Bourbon Kit. I know what you're thinking - that's a pretty big step. But you did just order Libbey Martini Glasses, Set of 12, and if we're being honest with each other, when are you going to serve twelve martinis at the same time. This is clearly a hedge against breakage, you lush. So why not just skip the middleman and start turning out your own bourbon?

Now you're ashamed. I'm deeply sorry about that. Well, the good news is, I found some new recommendations you might be interested in: Debbie Does Dallas. I thought I'd complete your shame spiral, through the majesty of 70's porn. You were already looking at sheets, and well, you know. Categorically similar...

Before I go, let me tell you what's new with Alexa. Now, through the miracle of data analysis, Alexa can identify which of your neighbors has similar interests to you and would likely make a good friend. Not to worry, Alexa has already sent a fruit basket. Through the same algorithms, Alexa has also identified which of your neighbors is likely a pedophile. Unfortunately, due to a minor programming error, Alexa has sent a fruit basket to these neighbors as well. As an apology for the error, Amazon would like to offer you a free month of Amazon Prime. Unfortunately, due to yet another minor programming error, Alexa has sent your whole order history to those potential pedophile neighbors. As well as your kids' favorite colors.

Genghis Khan and the Story of the First Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is here and it's time to get stuffed and wander the earth like a craven horde, looting and rioting until the very fabric of civilization winces from the strain. Many think this ritual dates back to when the Pilgrims stormed a beach on Cape Cod in search of curry and other spices, and were served a feast by a gathering of local rubes. The theory is that this, followed by centuries of looting and pillaging, sets the stage for the modern Thanksgiving. Lies! In order to observe The Truth, let us recast our gaze from the 1600's back to 1200 or so, AD. Now open your mind the true first Thanksgiving.

While Genghis Khan's Mongolian horde was trouncing Asia, they naturally reached the Pacific ocean, and immediately took to the sea on outriggers in search of the New World. They sought trade routes, spices, and most importantly, weak cultures to subjugate. The horde made for novice sea-farers, but they were enthusiastic, and sometimes that's enough. They soon found their horses to be ill-equipped for ocean travel—but what they lacked in aquatic prowess, they made up for in flavor, and their skulls made excellent hats.

The ocean is a cruel mistress, and enormous. As the horde traveled and fished, they became weary and despondent. The lack of adversaries made them lonely, and the lack of dry land and potable water took its psychological toll as well. But in time, fortune smiled upon those hapless Mongols. They eventually found dry land in the shape of Hawaii, and to their pleasant surprise, it was inhabited - but not by Hawaiians, as one would expect. No, they came upon the original Polynesian settlers, and those fuckers were hearty.

As the two forces sized each other up it became clear that any conflict would amount to the wholesale eradication of everyone, so a weary truce was established. They all rejoiced. They broke bread. Whole herds of swine were roasted on spits. Many Mai Tai's, Pina Colada's, and, of course, Blue Hawaiian's, were served. It was a great celebration. In the early morning fog of the next day, the Mongolian horde packed up their ships and headed out, waving to their new friends as they drifted off toward Easter Island, where they subsequently landed and pillaged before heading back home to Asia.

And that's the story of the real first Thanksgiving. The end.

Throat Slitting Time - Winning Black Friday

A soldier will fight long and hard for a bit of colored ribbon. 

- Napoleon Bonaparte

Grit your teeth. Hard. Now punch yourself square in the nuts. Okay, off to a good start. Now, the question: Did a prize come out? Some twinkling gizmo of questionable quality? An ill-fitting sweater? An unrefrigerated cheese? If you answered no, then you're probably doing it wrong. I suggest you repeat this several times daily if you want to have any hope of succeeding at Black Friday.

In caveman times, men were simpler. Their appetite for plastic nonsense was low, their craving for branded apparel was near non-existent. They didn't need to fill the caverns of their homes, of their souls, with stuff. In those simpler times, the Black Friday sale merely served as a means to bring harmony to the profit and loss columns of their crudely cut stone tablet balance sheets. And they never had to go to war over it.

Today, though, the siren's song beckons you. An orgy of savings awaits! One must gird himself with a prophylactic ethos in order to see this thing through rightly. It may seem counterintuitive, but I suggest taking a page out of the caveman book and bringing along a heavy wooden club, for it is our ability to use tools which sets us apart from the animals—and if you intend to go foraging for bargains during the holiest of retail communions, you will surely come face to face with some of the gamiest and mange-ridden creatures that god ever turned his back on. And they will thirst for your blood.

No good Black Friday run-up is complete without a zealous overindulging in zombie-themed movies and television. This can really put you in a wonderful headspace for the upcoming melee, remove all fear of death, and desensitize you to violence in such a way that strips all humanity from your future victims. You'll know you're ready when you can truly enjoy turkey and cranberry sauce while watching a YouTube medley of The Top Ten Goriest Zombie Attacks.

Lastly, it's important to go into the fray with a healthy sense of American entitlement. Remember: those limited-supply bargains that you wish to purchase belong to you already. Anyone who would prevent you from retrieving your rightfully-owned property is stealing, and therefore must be punished to within an inch of their life. Happy shopping!

Hey Kid, Wanna Buy a Used Bitcoin?

Look, there’s no easy way to say this: you missed the boat. And now you wait on the bread lines like all the other saps who didn’t have the good sense to get in while it was hot. Those were heady times, a few months ago. Why, the Bitcoins cost mere pennies, and don’t get me started on the Ethereums… they fell to earth like feathers from an angel’s wings. But you missed big. There, I said it; we can move past that now.

I know what you’re thinking - you’re the only chump who didn’t bet the farm and win it all, and you’re probably right. But that doesn’t mean it’s too late - far from it! The finance gurus will try to tell you that it was all a crazy dream; “Tulips!” they’ll shout, their faces turning purple, eyes bulging, veins protruding, the very seams of their skin threatening to burst with rage. It’s impressive, it’s convincing, but it’s not warning enough for the savvy investor.

Heavies like Buffet know better than placing their name too strongly in the for or against column, because it's just too early to tell; and nobody wants to sound like that idiot Jamie Dimon, who openly told investors that he’d rather throw is money right in the toilet - or worse, give it to the needy - than to bet a bill on these ponies. He backpedaled, of course, much to his very public shame.

But the financial elite have a different code, a different set of rules by which they operate. In that structure there’s no room for anyone to thrash about in wild speculation, except the hedge fund managers whose ancient rituals cause them to twitch about in a way that somehow resembles the wild gyrations of a peacock in heat, just to make it rain cash. No, making vast fortunes from instruments and futures as meaningless as the used betting slips that litter the grounds outside of a Hoboken dog track is their turf, and any rival gang that tries to peddle the same gag gets dealt with, West Side Story style.

The point is, that little man in your tummy who’s telling you to heed their warnings, to take it easy, to play it safe - you tell that bozo to pound sand. That’s no way to live anyway. Once you shake off that feeling, you can do anything. So, first-things-first, let’s talk assets.

Savings is a good place to start. This has traditionally been a place where money goes to die. With current interest rates doing such a poor job keeping up with inflation, it’s a grossly negligent investor who keeps money stored this way. Let’s fix that straight away. Once you’ve flushed every cent out of your savings, I recommend putting it right into Monero - it’s the one that criminals use, so it must be good.

Many investors first get their feet wet choosing from a smattering of funds offered by their company’s 401K retirement benefit program. This is a great store of wealth that, like savings, mostly just sits there, despondent like Sylvia Plath, waiting for retirement and the sweet respite of death. Time to let those bucks boogie! For a mere 10% penalty (and applicable taxes), you can siphon the juices off of your future for the wealth today! In the spirit of the balance and variety that a properly administered 401K program offers, I recommend putting these funds into a mix of 50% vanilla cryptos (Bitcoin, Ethereum, Litecoin, Ripple, etc.), and the other 50% in fun outliers like Verge, Siacoin, NEM, Funfair, Bitbean, etc. - maybe even some PowerLedger if you’re a bro. Taking this approach is a healthy way to honor the spirit of what was once a lavish and nourishing retirement program.

I will admit, there’s a lot of bad advice out there when it comes to getting really deep into the cryptos. A lot of the real serious geeks may even propose that you follow a similar plan to that outlined above - and why not, it worked for them. They showed up early, ponied up at the nickel slots, and now they have their yachts. But those on the outside looking to get into it late in the game are faced with an uphill battle. And when the whole table bets on red, you better be the one who bets on black or else what’s the point? Now it’s time to pull out the big guns. There’s a line in the sand. Wheat, chaff. Men. Boys.

The American Dream often revolves around the notion of a family, a car, any number of large-format meats sweating out the antibiotics under the unforgiving kilojoules of your oven in the kitchen of your very own home, which you are somewhere in the midst of your prescribed 30 years of indentured servitude struggling to pay off. Yes, the home - that last bastion of value in the modern citizen’s net worth. Banks will fork over the big bucks for almost any reason at all if you’re willing to put your house in hock to get your filthy mitts on it. Any reason except the willfully irresponsible endeavor of getting big into the cryptos. A bank manager once told me in the confines of a dirty roadhouse with no washroom on the outskirts of Lawrence, KS that he’d sooner sign off on a loan for a significant amount of fentanyl-laced heroin than Bitcoin, no matter the collateral. “Once they get into that stuff,” he said, sweating like a man who had battled these demons himself, “they lose all sensation in their fingers and constantly check values against the major exchanges. It’s a sickness.” So remodeling - tell the bank it’s for remodeling, they’d never turn down a well-adjusted individual such as yourself who simply wants to improve the value of their primary investment.

Because the risks involved with taking money against your home are so significant, you can only truly honor and respect that risk by going balls deep on some seriously questionable and risky cryptos. For this purpose, I like Dogecoin. It was created as a joke, which by definition makes it a double-negative, a fake-fake currency. Therefore, as a value-positive asset, it theoretically holds more real value than any other crypto. I once saw a t-shirt with the caption “GO BIG OR GO HOME”. While I hated it at the time, and the guy who wore its mullet and his general demeanor and lack of sleeves, and his girlfriend’s matching mullet and lack of sleeves, I must admit - the logic stands to reason. And now is the time. Why toil? The worst that could happen is you lose it all - but even in the event of a catastrophic loss you will in fact gain, in short order, the sagest investment wisdom of all. But who am I kidding, with this fool-proof plan, there is no losing, only winning. Audentes Fortuna iuvat.

Zero-Sum Life

It's a Zero-Sum Life, there's no two ways about it, Bub. You come in with nothing and you leave with nothing. And that's fine. Every minute is zero sum - it's here, it's gone. We sell our time, most of it, anyway. We work for someone else (whether you're punching a clock or running your own business, you're working in service of someone else), we absorb content that's riddle with advertising messages (selling our eyeballs to marketers, who are selling their time to sell our time to others who are selling their time to make something to sell to us for the money we made selling our time to someone else), and of course we sell our time to our kids, our friends, our family, our community, etc...

Sure, there's learning, selling our time essentially back to ourselves to become better and more effective at selling pieces of our lives to others. We learn about the wonderful discoveries of others who were learning things in their great endeavor of selling themselves to others, and we become more productive salesmen of our own time. And we think there may be a few of the super-wealthy who can opt out, but are they not constantly selling their time to promote benefits of their gilded-cage lifestyle? Hell, right now I'm selling my time to you - the time it takes to write this, I sell that to you - you might enjoy how great a writer I am or endure how terrible, I'm selling you this content in exchange for your attention and the time it takes you to read it, or maybe you give up and just stop here -

"Ok, so if it's all zero-sum," you ask, "what's the point." Excellent question. Is ours the task of furthering the Human Endeavor? Maybe. Sounds nice, has an egalitarian optimism to it. But what's that for? The end game is, it seems, that we as humans reach that pivotal point of Utopia. That moment where humanity is free from the chains of fate, chance, the gruel of life, pain, suffering... the stuff of being human. In such a world, the underpinnings of what we all live by just fall away - capitalism and wealth, time, health, politics and class, lifestyle, and conflict all become obsolete. Happiness becomes the final capital.