Genghis Khan and the Story of the First Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is here and it's time to get stuffed and wander the earth like a craven horde, looting and rioting until the very fabric of civilization winces from the strain. Many think this ritual dates back to when the Pilgrims stormed a beach on Cape Cod in search of curry and other spices, and were served a feast by a gathering of local rubes. The theory is that this, followed by centuries of looting and pillaging, sets the stage for the modern Thanksgiving. Lies! In order to observe The Truth, let us recast our gaze from the 1600's back to 1200 or so, AD. Now open your mind the true first Thanksgiving.

While Genghis Khan's Mongolian horde was trouncing Asia, they naturally reached the Pacific ocean, and immediately took to the sea on outriggers in search of the New World. They sought trade routes, spices, and most importantly, weak cultures to subjugate. The horde made for novice sea-farers, but they were enthusiastic, and sometimes that's enough. They soon found their horses to be ill-equipped for ocean travel—but what they lacked in aquatic prowess, they made up for in flavor, and their skulls made excellent hats.

The ocean is a cruel mistress, and enormous. As the horde traveled and fished, they became weary and despondent. The lack of adversaries made them lonely, and the lack of dry land and potable water took its psychological toll as well. But in time, fortune smiled upon those hapless Mongols. They eventually found dry land in the shape of Hawaii, and to their pleasant surprise, it was inhabited - but not by Hawaiians, as one would expect. No, they came upon the original Polynesian settlers, and those fuckers were hearty.

As the two forces sized each other up it became clear that any conflict would amount to the wholesale eradication of everyone, so a weary truce was established. They all rejoiced. They broke bread. Whole herds of swine were roasted on spits. Many Mai Tai's, Pina Colada's, and, of course, Blue Hawaiian's, were served. It was a great celebration. In the early morning fog of the next day, the Mongolian horde packed up their ships and headed out, waving to their new friends as they drifted off toward Easter Island, where they subsequently landed and pillaged before heading back home to Asia.

And that's the story of the real first Thanksgiving. The end.

TSA Sexual Revolution

"No place for hidin' baby, no place to run, you pull the trigger of my love gun..." - Kiss

It is no surprise that National Opt Out Day didn't work. In theory, it made sense - the American Public, invigorated by inconvenience and the vague notion that everyone's rights were being trampled, was called to action to Opt Out of the new Airport Body Scan on the most traveled day of the year. This was supposed to bring all travel to a grinding halt and forcing the TSA to abandon the widely criticized Scans.

There was no crash, no grinding halt - and it much had to do with misinformation. The day picked for National Opt Out Day was November 24th, the day before Thanksgiving, which is widely regarded as the most traveled day of the year. Not so according to the Bureau of Transportation Statistics, who says statistically the most traveled day of the year is the Sunday after Thanksgiving. That's boo number one.

Boo number two is that Americans, when called to action over the internet, will make huge promises to the idea that they would never keep in real life - that's the beauty of the internet. So it was a case of too little too soon... And yet the National Opt Out Day Website claims that it was a "rousing success," siting, as failed causes often do, that the purpose of the event was to "raise awareness."

Well folks, this awareness raising failure doesn't have to be in vain. I have devised a brilliant follow up to the event and I think we could even get corporate sponsorship. The target would be the day after Christmas - the Second Most Traveled Day of the year according to the BTS. The plan is this: Sildenafil Citrate, trade name - Viagra. Every traveler takes the recommended dosage of Viagra a few hours before arriving at the airport. Whether you Opt In or Opt it is of little concern, the boners will have spoken - either in the form of an erotic TSA photo or a romantic pat down. We shall call it National Opt Up Day.

Ladies, I know what you're thinking: Should women participate by taking Viagra, too? Absolutely. Viagra is proven to increase female arousal, so women can act as Pheromone Beacons, mixing with the already potent Male Pheromone Fog, producing a Pheromone Cocktail that would whip the whole Airport into a frenzy. It'd be like the 60's all over again. Sodom and Gomorrah.

I suppose the next step would be to get Pfizer on board. They could help with advertising, perhaps supply samples to the masses. After all this would make brilliant ad campaign for them. Invest now: PFE (NYCE).

EDIT: Thanks Jim for pointing out this relevant link Bad Touch!

The Story of Thanksgiving

Have a seat, I am going to tell you the story of the first Thanksgiving...

A long time ago, several boatloads of Pennsylvania Dutch set sail from Europe on a spirit quest to Mecca, as pilgrims tend to do. Due to a grievous navigational error, instead of the Middle East they ended up in a land without spices - America. Or as the natives called it: The United Tribes of Birds and Cats and the Fruit of the Land.

These Amish folk were quite hungry after their long and harrowing journey. They were relieved to find new friends in the Natives, whom they called Indians, who were willing to help them out with food and shelter. Upon being described as Indians, the Natives quickly corrected them, gently but firmly pointing out that they were not from India. The Amish then called them Native Americans, but that was also discarded on the grounds that there was no such thing as America yet. They all eventually settled on Injuns and moved forward.

A large feast was had to welcome the Amish folk, who regaled the Natives with tales about how they belonged to a very prude sect of Christianity. It was a glorious feast with good times had by all... it was so much fun that they all decided that they should hang out again some time.

That time soon came when the Amish knocked on the Natives' door and said; "Oh, hey. It's us, the Pilgrims. From before... remember that dinner party? Right, well we were thinking about making a country with cities and towns out of all this wilderness, wanna come?"

The Natives refused on the basis that the land belongs to the land and cannot be owned by people, and tried to convince the Amish of this. This angered the mighty Amish, who, in retaliation, bombed the Natives with poison blankets and corralled them into large fenced-in areas called Reservations (essentially little pockets of Native people walled off from the rest of society and governed under different control - kind of like the Vatican, only with more casinos and less Popes).

So every year we reenact that meal not only to pay tribute to those brave Pennsylvania Dutch who made cities and towns out of all this wilderness, but also to rub it in to all the Natives who's land was stolen.