How to Karate a Cyclist

As a pedestrian, it may become necessary to dispatch an arrogant or smug cyclist. It's happened to the best of us; a brisk walk on a glorious, crisp autumn day is suddenly changed dramatically and without warning by someone riding a fixed gear bicycle, perhaps through a puddle, bullying you off your path. The speed with which the rider passes is an insult to your pedestrianity, and should be considered an attempt to shame and humiliate you.

I mention fixed gear cyclists specifically because they are a special breed - they achieve a sense of superiority and authenticity though excessive, inefficient leg pumping. It is important to note that deep in their hearts they are cynics, so they have a considerable weakness. When taking down a fixie, try using that to your advantage. Bear in mind that these techniques will be equally effective against other types of cyclists, including mountain bikers and bmxers.

First assess the cyclist. When you knock someone off a bicycle, they will typically become irate and/or discourteous. Will the rider's size or demeanor be an issue when they confront you on foot? If so, it might be best to wait for the next one. Always assume above average leg strength.

When you've found an acceptable cyclist, remember Newton's first law of motion: An object in motion stays in motion unless acted upon by an unbalanced force. As the cyclist approaches, scream loudly and lunge directly at them in a twitchy, wild motion - be the unbalanced force. As long as you block their path, it isn't necessary to make contact... this experience won't be typical of an afternoon's ride and should be sufficient to throw the cyclist off balance, causing a crash.

Often times, the surprise dismount will be satisfactory in appeasing one's desire for carnage, what with the skinned knee and bruised ribs. But what of the cyclist who commands a more dramatic experience? Play dirty. Throw dirt in the cyclist's eyes, or kick wildly at his balls. You've already knocked him off his bike, why fight clean now?