Goebbels Loves Gerbils

Hallo and guten tag! Welcome to another episode of Goebbels Loves Gerbils. My name is Joseph, and we're coming to you today from the Nationalsozialistische Rennmaus Arbeiterpartei headquarters, inside our secret bunker in Bariloche, Argentina. Okay, this is a sufficient introduction - time to discuss gerbils.

Today I'd like to introduce you to a gerbil who is very, very close to my heart. This is Lída. Lída is a beautiful, affectionate, cinnamon colored Mongolian gerbil who loves to give kisses. If you listen closely, you can hear her purr like a Maybach. Oh! Look at Magda. You think I can't see you staring at us from your favorite spot there next to Karl, but I can see you! Don't worry Magda, your little schweinehund will always have time for you.

Okay, that's enough intrigue for one episode. Let's take a moment to rally the troops, shall we? 

Beachtung little friends! I trust you've enjoyed your daily calisthenics? Toiling against the machinations of the running wheel can certainly build up a thirst - one that the Party can quench! As you all unite your efforts toward the glory of the Fatherland, take pride in that which you and your fellow gerbils have accomplished! Look to your brothers and sisters. It is by their ceaseless devotion that the wheel continues to turn. Praise and glory to Onkel Rennmaus!

Progress! Every turn of the wheel brings you closer to your ration of pellets, your ration of water. My little nation of strong workers, listen! The Fatherland provides unto you your ration, and you provide unto the Fatherland glory!

Yes, glory to the Fatherland. But we must stay vigilant. For around every corner, the hamster lurks. The evil hamster seeks to commandeer the wheel for it's own purposes. How does a gerbil provide a ration for his family and glory to the Fatherland without the wheel?

Ok, that was exhilarating. Now is the time on our show when we spotlight the Party's gerbil of the week. This week's ubermensch is Horst. Horst is a delightful specimen. Just yesterday Horst climbed to the top of the great habitat log and reached up to the sky, as if reaching up to push off the lid of the terrarium - but it was still centimeters away! Didn't you, Horst! You are a dreamer my friend.

As always, the gerbil of the week gets an extra ration of pellets. Enjoy Horst, you deserve it! Very good.

That brings an end to another episode of Goebbels Loves Gerbils. Be sure to join us next week when find out: who is the secret spitzel! Always remember: Onkel Rennmaus is watching you! Tschüss erstmal!

Mr. Toad's Wild Ride: Gamestop Stonks Vs. Shorty-Shorts

The money-humping greedheads over at Wall Street should have learned their lesson with Tesla. Elon Musk can bend gravity with a mere whisper. I watched in August of 2018 as the infamous "Am considering taking Tesla private at $420. Funding secured." tweet sent my $280 shares to $400+ near-instantaneously. Then the SEC stepped in and punched him square in the nuts, sending the price back to earth. The Short Bus crew on Wall Street smelled blood in the water; "At any minute, he could sink the stock with a rogue tweet," they thought, adding "the fundamentals just aren't there." So they bet against Musk by shorting Tesla, and they lost. He's a sorcerer of public opinion, yet still they short.

But what does that have to do with Gamestop? In 2020, short sharks went on a pandemic feeding frenzy. They had already made $344 billion shorting on the pandemic by March 21, 2020. They wanted to watch the world burn; never waste a good crisis. And now in 2021, when big buffalo like Macy's and JC Penney are practically extinct, they're on to smaller game - who else can I bleed. Because Gamestop trades in primarily digital assets and is saddled with an expansive retail footprint, it appeared to be the next perfect target. 

But they didn't count on the Rain Men over at r/wallstreetbets to simply say No, and establish a viral Wall of Ignorance. Buy and hold. This offends the sensibilities of the Wall Street Old Guard. Buy low and sell high is the law of the land, while the little guy says "take my money" and "thank you for the opportunity." This is how money is printed. But Buy and Hold caught on, and caught a lot of media attention, causing more Buying and more Holding. 

The financial pundits tried Fear when they said Buy and Hold will leave you holding the bag; then doubled down with Empathy and Guilt when they said Buy and Hold will decimate granny's pension. They're kind of right. Buying and holding this one stock is causing a ripple effect. My own account is down about five points this week because the hedge funds who banked on printing money by shorting Gamestop to death have had to sell their long positions in staple stocks to cover the vig, thus dragging down the whole market (read: the hedge funds and other short sellers have assumed ludicrous risk on behalf of the whole market and have now become the bleeders... smells like 2008; same house different couch). 

But that's not the point of Buy and Hold - these greedheads have bet against this stock and others so deeply that they've now sold more borrowed stock than actually exists. I'll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today. They made a ton of money as the world burned, and now the people want their money back. The Buy and Holders have built a community around holding the line and the premise that when the other shoe drops, the bastards will buy every share they shorted at our price - to the tune of billions. The short squeeze for the people. Buy and Hold is the Sit-In for the stuck-at-home generation. Buy and Hold, it seems, has even saved movie theater chain AMC from the brink to fight another day.

"Ok," you say, "selling a thing that doesn't exist sounds kinda criminal." I agree. "But... perhaps the bastards have milked their last monkey." Maybe, maybe not. Probably not. This is, after all, the all powerful money-printing machine. "Well that sucks." Yep.

This last week has been a hell of a ride. Sure, I looked at Gamestop this summer when it was in the $4 range and took a pass because I didn't want to clutter up my positions with another low-probability bet, instead taking profits here and there with bets on stocks like airlines and cruise lines while doubling down hard on existing holdings. I looked at Gamestop again a couple of weeks ago when the price was a hair under $20. I couldn't bring myself to do it then because my mind was poisoned by those heady $4 shares of the summer. 

Speculating in the stock market is like trying to steal the cheese out of a mouse trap; you need a steady hand and nerves of steel, and it helps if you're the smartest idiot in the room. I've learned from the mistakes of my past and I have the scars; I still hold 1,200 shares of the now defunt Helios and Mattheson (HMNY; Moviepass) as a stark reminder that frothy exuberance is a dangerous drug, and to never buy the dip if it means putting your hand in the toilet. I just couldn't let go.

But this week the Song of the Hype Machine was strong and I got in the game in the frothiest moments Wednesday when the price was $358 and hung on with white knuckles. Wanting to reestablish my position at a lower buy-in, I considered selling during Thursday's $400+ premarket highs and reestablishing during what I assumed would be a dip on the open, but ultimately chose to hang on instead. 

Thursday turned out to be real trench warfare. The circuit breaker seemed to trip every few minutes to buy the greedheads time to regroup, and Robinhood blocked buying on all meme stocks (stocks who's interest was supported by online forums: AMC, BB, GME, NOK), assumedly due to a liquidity crunch (they didn't have the cash to cover all the buys with the clearing house), thus castrating the little guy en masse. Gut-wrenching stuff. I watched from outside my body as I considered buying Thursday's dip at $130, but didn't have the resolve - I was still woozy, my stomach in knots. 

Friday had the looks of a solid day, so I sold in the pre-market run up at $374 as a doctor swabbed my nostrils for evidence of COVID, and reestablished during the 10-10:30 dip at $318. At the current price I'm break even, but I'm holding. No sell limit, no regrets. These moments are my Super Bowl - raw nerve endings, itchy palms, bleeding ulcers. It makes my teeth sweat.

Good luck to you Buy and Holders and may Saint Cajetan, the patron saint of gamblers, forever be on your side.

A Memo to The Little Free Library Patrons; May 15, 2020

Hello from your self-appointed Little Free Library librarian. For the safety of our patrons in light of COVID 19, we are establishing new rules around the removal and placing of literature within the outdoor Little Free Library cabinet.

Please do not loiter outside of the Little Free Library. If you find yourself at the Little Free Library without a mask, you may extract one book to use as a mask to prevent droplets.

If you are a child who is currently picking your nose, please do not use the Little Free Library. If you are very old and not wearing a mask because you are stubborn, or if you are under the age of 25 and aren't wearing a mask because you think you're invincible, I'm going to have to ask you not to use the Little Free Library. The Little Free Library is not responsible for lost or stolen items.

The Little Free Library is not a location to store your sandwich while you visit the regular library. The Little Free Library is for locals only; out-of-towners are not to use it due to a higher risk of depositing of droplets. There are to be no droplets deposited in the Little Free Library.

All deposits to the Little Free Library will be sanitized daily with either a dusting of Comet or powdered sugar, depending on availability. Please do not deposit your pornography in the Little Free Library. If your book has been "red flagged," please do not deposit it. The depositing of how-to books and cookbooks is prohibited as all that stuff is available online. The depositing of coffee table books of excessive size is also prohibited. If you insist on depositing pornography into the Little Free Library, please ensure that it is tasteful.

If you are homeless while using the Little Free Library, it is understood that you will not take books with lots of pages to use as toilet paper. If you are not homeless but having a hard time finding toilet paper, same goes for you. Understand: the pages of books DO NOT dematerialize in your septic system and they will clog the pipes. I repeat: THEY WILL CLOG THE PIPES. Don't ask me how I know, I just know. Don't use it. Also, paper cuts.

The Little Free Library will be sponsoring an afternoon tea and book discussion at 2:30 p.m. on the second Thursday of every month, rain or shine. Please bring your own chairs, table, tea, condiments, friends, book club, and books. There is often a heated debate because patrons are not reading the same book, and it is absolutely prohibited to discuss the title of the book.

During times of national mourning the Little Free Library will be at half-mast. No one is to extract any books, and only the deposit WWII books will be allowed. If you borrow a book from the Little Free Library and it stinks, please feel free to bring it to a friends house and hide it in their bathroom.

You can now follow the Little Free Library on TikTok. A new video of the Little Free Library will be posted daily, but due to privacy concerns, the titles of the books will be obscured.

If, in your perusing of the Little Free Library you find a title by Ian Fleming, it's your lucky day! Please extract the book and search inside the Little Free Library for a small candy, typically a Werther's Original. You win! Congrats!

Thank you for visiting the Little Free Library. Please be sure to tip your librarian.

The Coronavirus Limerick

There once was a merchant from Wuhan,
who sold me some nice bats to chew on.
I developed a cough,
and to top it all off,
all the people I meet I now flu on.

Maxx: Still Looking at Something on Amazon?

Hello Maxx, you recently viewed Caribbean Joe Ultra-Soft Double Brushed 4-Piece Microfiber Sheet Set. You know, the one with the pineapple pattern? It's a great looking bedding set, but I sense hesitation. Are you concerned that the Hawaiian-style motif will cause your wife to daydream about a tropical vacation, leading to an uncomfortable conversation? Is the pineapple not a symbol of hospitality and luxury - and isn't that the kind of symbolism you want in your bedroom, where you sleep, in spite of the crippling realities of your current unemployment, the ever-eroding environment, and a political climate so balmy with the spittle of vitriolic hate-speech that every day feels like being caught on a street corner in the pouring rain while passing car after passing car full of the true creme of giggling bozoness splashes you with grey street-water?

I hear ya. It's tough out there. So, I was thinking, based on your recent activity, we thought you might be interested in Deep South Barrels 2-Liter American White Oak Barrel Bourbon Kit. I know what you're thinking - that's a pretty big step. But you did just order Libbey Martini Glasses, Set of 12, and if we're being honest with each other, when are you going to serve twelve martinis at the same time. This is clearly a hedge against breakage, you lush. So why not just skip the middleman and start turning out your own bourbon?

Now you're ashamed. I'm deeply sorry about that. Well, the good news is, I found some new recommendations you might be interested in: Debbie Does Dallas. I thought I'd complete your shame spiral, through the majesty of 70's porn. You were already looking at sheets, and well, you know. Categorically similar...

Before I go, let me tell you what's new with Alexa. Now, through the miracle of data analysis, Alexa can identify which of your neighbors has similar interests to you and would likely make a good friend. Not to worry, Alexa has already sent a fruit basket. Through the same algorithms, Alexa has also identified which of your neighbors is likely a pedophile. Unfortunately, due to a minor programming error, Alexa has sent a fruit basket to these neighbors as well. As an apology for the error, Amazon would like to offer you a free month of Amazon Prime. Unfortunately, due to yet another minor programming error, Alexa has sent your whole order history to those potential pedophile neighbors. As well as your kids' favorite colors.

Genghis Khan and the Story of the First Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is here and it's time to get stuffed and wander the earth like a craven horde, looting and rioting until the very fabric of civilization winces from the strain. Many think this ritual dates back to when the Pilgrims stormed a beach on Cape Cod in search of curry and other spices, and were served a feast by a gathering of local rubes. The theory is that this, followed by centuries of looting and pillaging, sets the stage for the modern Thanksgiving. Lies! In order to observe The Truth, let us recast our gaze from the 1600's back to 1200 or so, AD. Now open your mind the true first Thanksgiving.

While Genghis Khan's Mongolian horde was trouncing Asia, they naturally reached the Pacific ocean, and immediately took to the sea on outriggers in search of the New World. They sought trade routes, spices, and most importantly, weak cultures to subjugate. The horde made for novice sea-farers, but they were enthusiastic, and sometimes that's enough. They soon found their horses to be ill-equipped for ocean travel—but what they lacked in aquatic prowess, they made up for in flavor, and their skulls made excellent hats.

The ocean is a cruel mistress, and enormous. As the horde traveled and fished, they became weary and despondent. The lack of adversaries made them lonely, and the lack of dry land and potable water took its psychological toll as well. But in time, fortune smiled upon those hapless Mongols. They eventually found dry land in the shape of Hawaii, and to their pleasant surprise, it was inhabited - but not by Hawaiians, as one would expect. No, they came upon the original Polynesian settlers, and those fuckers were hearty.

As the two forces sized each other up it became clear that any conflict would amount to the wholesale eradication of everyone, so a weary truce was established. They all rejoiced. They broke bread. Whole herds of swine were roasted on spits. Many Mai Tai's, Pina Colada's, and, of course, Blue Hawaiian's, were served. It was a great celebration. In the early morning fog of the next day, the Mongolian horde packed up their ships and headed out, waving to their new friends as they drifted off toward Easter Island, where they subsequently landed and pillaged before heading back home to Asia.

And that's the story of the real first Thanksgiving. The end.

Throat Slitting Time - Winning Black Friday

A soldier will fight long and hard for a bit of colored ribbon. 

- Napoleon Bonaparte

Grit your teeth. Hard. Now punch yourself square in the nuts. Okay, off to a good start. Now, the question: Did a prize come out? Some twinkling gizmo of questionable quality? An ill-fitting sweater? An unrefrigerated cheese? If you answered no, then you're probably doing it wrong. I suggest you repeat this several times daily if you want to have any hope of succeeding at Black Friday.

In caveman times, men were simpler. Their appetite for plastic nonsense was low, their craving for branded apparel was near non-existent. They didn't need to fill the caverns of their homes, of their souls, with stuff. In those simpler times, the Black Friday sale merely served as a means to bring harmony to the profit and loss columns of their crudely cut stone tablet balance sheets. And they never had to go to war over it.

Today, though, the siren's song beckons you. An orgy of savings awaits! One must gird himself with a prophylactic ethos in order to see this thing through rightly. It may seem counterintuitive, but I suggest taking a page out of the caveman book and bringing along a heavy wooden club, for it is our ability to use tools which sets us apart from the animals—and if you intend to go foraging for bargains during the holiest of retail communions, you will surely come face to face with some of the gamiest and mange-ridden creatures that god ever turned his back on. And they will thirst for your blood.

No good Black Friday run-up is complete without a zealous overindulging in zombie-themed movies and television. This can really put you in a wonderful headspace for the upcoming melee, remove all fear of death, and desensitize you to violence in such a way that strips all humanity from your future victims. You'll know you're ready when you can truly enjoy turkey and cranberry sauce while watching a YouTube medley of The Top Ten Goriest Zombie Attacks.

Lastly, it's important to go into the fray with a healthy sense of American entitlement. Remember: those limited-supply bargains that you wish to purchase belong to you already. Anyone who would prevent you from retrieving your rightfully-owned property is stealing, and therefore must be punished to within an inch of their life. Happy shopping!