The Sudden Bucket

"He's off and flying as he guns the car around the track, he's jamming down the pedal like he's never coming back, adventure's waiting just ahead!" - Theme from Speed Racer

High speed stunt driving has always been a hobby of mine. For me, the e-brake isn't just for parking, and heel-toe is a verb, not two nouns. I like the challenge presented by road friction, and that euphoric feeling that only comes from pushing a car sideways through a curve.

As you can imagine I enjoyed the experience I had yesterday when, while traveling in the far left lane at speeds well above the posted limit on a thoroughly moistened segment of Route 9 in Cromwell, I was suddenly faced with an errant, and, might I add, very sudden, bucket. This bucket was casually hanging around in the center of my lane, leaving me with three options: either swerve right into the other lane and possibly collide dramatically with a tan minivan full of pre-teen soccer practice and snacks, swerve left to the shoulder which wasn't so much a shoulder as it was a four foot of bank snow and ice, or gun it and give the bucket what for.

I chose left. I still feel that this was the right decision, even though my rear tires caught the slick of the shoulder, which left me rowing my way out of a high-speed Swan Lake. Fishtailing at 80 miles an hour on a busy stretch of highway during rush hour is not for the faint of heart, but it is one hell of a rush for those in search of high-octane kicks. The deep rumbling noise as your car, from the driver door to the taillight drags along all that snow and ice, while nerve-splitting, lends a textured, musical quality to the moment. But that mild assistance from the snow bank allowed me to pull out of the slide victorious, and without losing much speed. The only evidence that I was ever there is the snow under my door handles and the flat spot on the snow bank.

What did I learn? I learned to trust my instincts, and also that any sudden dramatic change of direction at highway speeds is as good as any roller coaster and much, much cheaper.

So You've Just Been Pulled Over

"Few people understand the psychology of dealing with a highway traffic cop. A normal speeder will panic and immediately pull over to the side. This is wrong. It arouses contempt in the cop heart. Make the bastard chase you. He will follow..." - Hunter S. Thompson

Being pulled over is a menacing experience - just the very nature of it... an authority figure sneaks up behind and stays there, then you get in trouble. A lot of the time it will cost money, and god forbid you are in actually in the act of a misdemeanor, or worse, a felony. You're left badly shaken and filled with unnatural remorse. That's why I've decided to put together this little guide to being pulled over - to be prepared is to be fore-armed. Feel free to print out a copy of this and keep it in your glove box.

So you've been pulled over...
Take a deep contemplative breath. It is of the utmost importance that you realize that you are in control of the situation. Act accordingly.

A traffic cop is a lot like a...
Tyrannosaurus Rex - if you'll remember from the movie Jurassic Park, their eyesight is based on motion. You'll want to make a lot of sudden movements to draw him in. If you don't do this, you may have to wait quite a while for the cop to confront you. You've probably taken this time to reach into your glove box and retrieve this handy advice sheet. While you're in there, get your insurance and registration information - you will need these to bribe the cop.

Occasionally, a cop will take minutes to get out of his car to greet you. During this time he is likely finishing a hot cup of cocoa. To get his attention and move the process along, try leaving your car in drive and release the brake. The slow, forward motion of your car will illicit urgency in the cop, and he will surely step out of his car to greet you, speeding up the process.

When the cop gets to your window...
Be coy. You'll want to leave your window up and ignore him during this first interaction. Wait until he knocks on your window - making him work for it will serve to excite him and get him ready for your next move.

Roll down the window and immediately start asking questions. Avoid topics like the reason he's pulling you over, you'll get there soon enough. Ask him deep, probing personal questions like: Are you married? How was your relationship with your father? What is your political affiliation? What is your name and ID number?

At this point the cop will ask you one of two questions...
Remember, you can leave at any point in this process.

Question 1: Do you know why I pulled you over?
If you know the answer and it was a minor traffic violation such as running a stop sign or speeding, say "Yes". Tell him the violation, then giggle. If you know the answer and it was a major violation or a hit and run, exit the car as quickly as you can - you'll want to be on your feet. If you don't know the answer, say "No... I suppose you were just bored and lonely. You look like you could use a hot meal. Let's go get you something to eat."

Question 2: Have you been drinking tonight, sir?
Regardless of whether you've been drinking at all, say "Yes. I had a few back there." Point your thumb behind you, suggesting that that's all behind you. At this point, the cop may perform a field sobriety test. You will need a pen for the written portion, so quickly grab one from your glove box before exiting the vehicle. It is important that you do some stretches before you take the test - to get the blood flowing.

Assuming you've passed the sobriety test...
At this point he's asked you to wait in your car while he writes you a warning, ticket or summons. The truth is, he doesn't want to do the paperwork as much as you don't want to get the ticket. Do the cop a favor and scram. If you get away, he can't issue the ticket - this is a win-win!

Following this simple advice could save you from a costly ticket. For an advanced experience, spend some time calling children and dogs sir. Using this tone and calling the cop sir may help expedite this process.