Kevin Bacon to Win Prestigious Nicholas Cage Award

Kevin Bacon, best known for his work on Wild Things (1998) and Diner (1982), has been awarded the prestigious Nicholas Cage Award for his work on the FOX television series The Following. The award is presented to an actor or actress whose commitment to their craft allows them to achieve a level of acting that goes well beyond the conventional portrayal of a mere character, attacking the script and stage cues with a veracity and an exceptionally whimsical interpretation. Often, such performances come off, to the untrained eye, as a sort of What would a 12-year-old do? type of expression of the piece, a sort of I don't quite understand what acting is. representation. Ah, but to those classically trained, these crude-seeming displays of ineptitude are truly the avant-garde of stagecraft - to be able to come full-circle and visit the inner child of the writer, to be the scared kid, weary of all the lights and catastrophic demands of the world of acting... That, my friend, is Acting!

I was able to catch up with a refreshed Kevin Bacon at an undisclosed location in the seedy veil of Manhattan. "Frankly I'm shocked," said Bacon. "I've always respected Nick for the work that he does - did he put you up to this? No? Are you sure?" Bacon went on to describe, off record and in a hushed tone, his primal fear of Cage. He relayed a short tale of a night with Cage, fueled by what he referred to as several South Central Iced Teas, and the subsequent week long detainment in Cage's underground compound on the outskirts of the New Mexico desert, where he was chained to a radiator. "The man is an animal at his craft," Bacon went on to say.

"Wow! Nicolas Cage Award... Nick! That sounds really incredible," said a pedestrian Christopher Walken, whom no one asked.

"I'm proud to extend this award, which takes my namesake, and I'm glad to see it go to an actor with such tenacity. I'm humbled. He's a powerful ally and an even more powerful foe," said a disheveled Nicholas Cage. "I'd love to one day bite him and really find out..." Cage's performances have long been established as movie-ruining (with the exception of Raising Arizona (1987) and 8MM (1999), which were—and are—testaments to the craft). His performances could be described as that of a scared dog which has been foolishly tied up to a free-standing sheet metal sign outside a convenience store near a busy intersection, who has been spooked and has bolted, dragging the sign, flopping and banged like lightning, until the poor dog tired itself out. "My award speaks for itself," said a confident Cage, who then turned paranoid. "But the question remains: what are they going to do to Kevin next?"

Bacon On Demand (the Breakfast Jam)

Woke up this morning with a bacon rap in my head... 

Double double B, hold the L and the T
throw in some mayo and give it to me.
Bacon on a bun, cuz that's how I roll
crumble it on cereal and eat it from a bowl.

When I eat eggs, the bacon rides shotgun
don't offer me bacon, friend? I'll say you're not one.
Every now and then, I have a chance meeting
bacon, eggs and pancakes for some secret eating.
Jelly jam on toast is another bacon friend
sausage is a clown, breakfast make-believe pretend.

When you make the bacon make it orange and crispy
that soggy floppy bacon is just gonna sicken me.
Bacon is so nice, it's my special breakfast treat
but now it's time for lunch so why doncha have a seat.

My friends tried to stop me, they said I look palid
but I snuck away for a bacon cobb salad.
Bacon on some bread makes your sad sandwich happy
bacon in my pockets please somebody slap me!

Bacon in the tank of my motorcycle
bacon in a public bathroom with George Michael.
Bacon with your lunch will only get you thinner
but it's getting late, bacon's what's for dinner.

Bacon on a plate, when you're all alone
bacon party over hear, bacon on the telephone.
Bacon mayo cheese, on a hamburger sandwich
gotta get a grip because I just can't handle this.

Bacon after dark gives me so much power
I meet my bacon friends for the witching hour.
Ever kill a man for the flavor of bacon?
Front door's locked so I say just break in.
When I'm in you're home, I've got bacon on my mind
rummage through your fridgeridge to see what I can find.
And when I've found some bacon worth takin'
I put it in my mouth and I pray to Kevin Bacon.

Bacon is a friend to all the forest creatures
all the city folk and the backwoods preachers.
Bacon on a finger, bacon on a fork
bacon for desert, crispy crackly ice cream pork.
Have it only on the weekend, well that just seems silly.
Bacon eatin' every day until the day it kills me!