Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Bonzo Goes to Santaland

This one's going out to those suffering from new beginnings...

The Ramones have a drastically expansive back-catalog that covers a broad swath of musical type and style, but for some reason, Bonzo Goes to Bitburg always strikes me as a Christmas song. Maybe the singular mind of the Consumer Juggernaut has been listening to Bonzo Goes to Bitburg and feels the same way - the stores already have Christmas crap in them. When I see red and green ornaments and cotton snow covered miniature village scenes in September, my initial reaction is "Jesus..."


Maybe that's the point - consumerism is whipping back around, full circle, back to religion. Buy more stuff, amass great quantities, build a bridge to god, ask for money.

After all, there is some Deadly Serious purchasing power in those collection plates...

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

What's Grosser Than Gross

A twisted new Kevin Bacon game...

Something has gone terribly wrong with my mind. I have discovered the most upsetting scenario ever imagined. Steve Buscemi and Willem Dafoe having angry, misguided, quirky sex.

I know where it all went wrong. Hanging out and eating grilled pizzas and enjoying a few beverages with some friends last Friday night, I was offered and sent home with an off copy of Boondock Saints II - All Saints Day. I was promised that it would be just as disappointing, if not more so, than expected. I was told that a Mexican now plays Rocco and a woman now plays the role of Agent Smecker (Willem Dafoe). I remembered how weird Willem Dafoe looks - and that a friend of mine has strange crush on him (she knows who she is).

Time travel through Saturday, more or less, straight on through to Sunday night. Watching Boardwalk Empire, I remember how weird Steve Buscemi looks. I remember how I remembered how weird Willem Dafoe looks, I remember how weird Steve Buscemi looks, I realize that the both look really weird and then my mind breaks and I remember how weird Willem Dafoe looked in the Original Boondock Saints when he's dressed up as the stripper then I realize how weird the two of them, Willem and Steve, would look arm wrestling, regular wrestling, having sex.

You're welcome.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Aloha From Hawaii

Aloha Mr. Hand...

As you'll recall from my previous email to the Hawaii board of tourism, I had some pressing concerns about my own personal safety after watching Hawaii Five-O. The violence was pervasive; either Hawaii had gone down hill or the writers had gone mad. My questions have been answered to my satisfaction. Now I wait with baited breath to hear back from Ohio. Those bastards... they'll never see it coming when they see what I've baited my breath with!
Aloha Mr. [redacted]:

Thank you for your email expressing concerns about safety in Hawaii after viewing the new Hawaii Five-0 program. As you know, action type television shows are designed to be entertaining and they do sometimes exercise creative license with some of the action depicted.  Honolulu (where Hawai‘i Five-O is filmed) has been rated on many occasions as among the safest large cities in America. In addition, by Hawaii State law, fully automatic/machine gun firearms are not permitted in Hawaii except for military and law enforcement.
Again, we appreciate you taking time to write us and hope that you will have the opportunity to visit Hawaii.

Sincerely, 

Roxanne [redacted]
Manager, Customer Relationship Management
Hawaii Visitors and Convention Bureau

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Who Wants to Join My Dance Gang

The kids are not alright...

There is something terribly wrong with them - there is a whole generation of backup dancers coming up. All the movies about dancing are corrupting their minds, convincing them that dancing is Bad Ass. The last dancing person to successfully be B.A. was Erol Flynn, and I can garauntee that these kids haven't the slightest of who He is.

When they battle-dance, there is no war paint - only glitter, there are no weapons - only flashy shoes. They call it a battle, but it sounds like strip club. Glitter and flashy shoes everywhere. Everyone twitching and shimming.

The battlefield of the twenty first century will be perfectly choreographed - imagine something between Texas line dancing a Brooklyn break dancing, with guns and MREs.
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Friday, September 24, 2010

Sword Fighting

"When the going gets weird..." - HST

It's almost four years I've been here, and the heat is finally starting to take it's toll... While walking into the men's room at the same time as a coworker, I asked him if he wanted to sword fight. Just the other day I made a passing reference to DP to two coworkers. They didn't understand. I had to explain it.

It leaves me in a strange spot because I don't know if I'm going uphill or downhill - and where does synergy come in to all of this? This is a business, after all, and all these people are certifiably nuts - why would I not fit in? Every morning I have to spend many hours preparing myself for the innumerable strange tasks I might be asked to undertake and how to respond. My new favorite response is "I can do that, but something else will suffer."

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Texas Taco

Why put off until tomorrow what you can ask someone else to do today...

Once, when I was in High School, my best friend Zac asked me to quit his job for him. He was unbalanced and in general a terror to just about everyone in a public sense, so I figured it was for the best and agreed. At the time he was working at Texas Taco somewhere in New York. Why he commuted from Connecticut to a job like that in New York I may never know. The heart wants what it wants.

I stuffed $4 in quarters into the payphone behind the gas station Dunkin Donuts where I worked and called his boss to give her the bad news. It was a very awkward conversation, and she was very disappointed in me. "I just can't do it anymore; it's too far..."

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Hawaii Five-O

Wait for it...

I am a man of little patience, so I will cut to the quick: I emailed the Hawaii board of tourism for a response to the new CBS rehash drama Hawaii Five-O YESTERDAY MORNING, and still have yet to hear from them. See my email below:

Good Morning Sir or Madame,

First of all, let me preface this by saying my wife and I have decided to really get into travel ever since we took our honeymoon in Jamaica this past May. Something about far away beaches and pristine white sand is really appealing (go figure). Some of the places we'd like to visit are Turks and Caicos, various other Caribbean islands, Fiji, and of course, Hawaii.

The reason I am writing this is because I was slightly shocked and a little concerned when I watched Hawaii Five-O last night on CBS. I found the show entertaining and a relevant re-visitation to the original series from the Sixties and Seventies, with good plot updates. But I was truly shocked by the number of guns on the show - the writers made it seem as though everyone on the island had at least one machine gun.

Is this really the case? Safety is of course a concern in any travel excursion and when we were in Jamaica it was upsetting to see anti-American graffiti, and there were some places where we felt truly unsafe. So the question remains - is Hawaii safe? Was Hawaii Five-O just a sensationalist drama?

Thanks for your time.

Best Regards,

Maxwell XXXXXXX

To cover all bases, I also sent a similar email to the Ohio tourism board, just because Hawaii and Ohio kinda sound like they were named by the same guy. See the Ohio letter below, where I've highlighted the differences:

Good Morning Sir or Madame,

First of all, let me preface this by saying my wife and I have decided to really get into travel ever since we took our honeymoon in Jamaica this past May. Something about far away beaches and pristine white sand is really appealing (go figure). Some of the places we'd like to visit are Turks and Caicos, various other Caribbean islands, Fiji, and of course, Ohio.

The reason I am writing this is because I was slightly shocked and a little concerned when I watched Hawaii Five-O last night on CBS. I found the show entertaining and a relevant re-visitation to the original series from the Sixties and Seventies, with good plot updates. But I was truly shocked by the number of guns on the show - the writers made it seem as though everyone on the island had at least one machine gun.

Is this really the case? Safety is of course a concern in any travel excursion and when we were in Jamaica it was upsetting to see anti-American graffiti, and there were some places where we felt truly unsafe. So the question remains - is Ohio safe? Was Hawaii Five-O just a sensationalist drama?

Thanks for your time.

Best Regards,

Maxwell XXXXXXX

These bastards better not leave me out to dry on this one. There will be consequences in Ohio, I promise you.

I'll let you know their responses when they get back to me. 

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Keys, Locks, Organized Crime

While I wait to hear back from the Hawaii board of tourism about the amount of violence in the new CBS drama Hawaii Five-O, I think I can support a divergent topic...

When did keys become such a racket? These car companies have become insane with greed - they spent way too much time on the sidelines watching hardware stores get rich printing off copies of ignition keys on the cheap. You used to be able to get a key for a Ford for a buck. Not any more.

I had a Nissan Altima (still do, it's sitting in my driveway waiting to adopt a lucky new owner), I bought it used and it only came with one key. The one key was a little broken and eventually didn't hang on to a key ring anymore and floated loosely in my pocket.

One day I rode the Boulder Dash, the worlds best wooden roller coaster, with the key tucked safely in my pocket. Somehow it floated out into the woods. Stuck at Lake Compounce, I left my car and called ahead to a friend to pick Jenny and I up. The next day I had the car towed to a Nissan Dealer and fork over $150 to make a new key because nobody else can. They had me cornered, what could I do?

And again with the Jetta. Only one key. Who does that? When you trade in your car, give up the keys! You'll never find your car again you fool, and even if you do, you'll never have that key in your pocket to open it. And even if you do, there won't be anything awesome in it to take.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Job Water

How much is too much, how much is not enough?..


This one's going out to anyone who's ever wondered what my oversized coffee cup looks like when it's near my ipod at work. You people are sickos and true fanatics. I can appreciate that.

It's a fine mug - it holds too much, and still I fill it about three times a day. If I were to charge into battle with a broadsword, bare chested and loin clothed, wearing a war face and Conan bracelets... I would want this to be in my other hand. Screaming mercilessly, and taking a sip. Running headlong into the furrows of the killing fields, muscles tense, eyes bulging, veins bursting from the skin, and trying not to spill. The Elysian fields will be stained parchment.

Seems a shame to park this battle mug on a desk...

Saturday, September 18, 2010

The New Loose

This new generation is coming in and there's little hope...

Saturday afternoon. Quick stop at the grocery store for supplies and an ugly realization. The next generation of loose women is listening to Creed.

This is very upsetting. I can cope with trashy loose women blasting Motley Crue and Poison and swinging their crimped over-blonded hair around like a helicopter while standing on a table in a dark bar surrounded by grimey, drooling men. But the same archetype thrashing about to Creed or Staind does not seem right. There's just nothing to redeem them.

So this post goes out to you, young, loose girl in the Stop and Shop parking lot blasting Creed from your parked Pontiac Grand Am. You are clearly ready to party, but the party doesn't want you.
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Friday, September 17, 2010

Desperately Seeking Susan

Sometimes strange ideas get stuck in your head and they just keep cropping up...


For some reason I keep referencing Susan Powter in conversation lately. Sure, the idea of this bald workout queen is semi-funny as an 90's reference. But why? I actually had to think about this for a while.

Even in the very early 90's, a woman with a shaved head was actually a thing - an issue that challenged people - something people talked about, comedians referenced. And I'm sure that she was the number one entry on at least one Dave Letterman Top Ten list. We really have come that far in the past twenty years, we have accepted the balded woman into our standards - which is strange because, socially, we tip-toe around so much in the name of political correctness that we've inadvertently accepted certain strangenesses into the norm just to keep them at bay. I guess that isn't that strange, though, as culture co-opts counter culture for the sake of diluting it.

But now, sadly, Susan Powter is like a telegraph - a strange and mystical obsolete machine we no longer have any use for. She has officially washed up on the shore of pop culture. I kind of feel bad for her, dead meat on the sand like the Montauk monster. Where is she now? Why don't I care?

It's Friday, so for now I'll press up up down down left right left right b a start. I could use thirty extra lives...

Thursday, September 16, 2010

Lawnmower Man

If you could get out of your own head for just one moment, maybe this would all make sense...
Mowing the lawn with my POS fifteen dollar used lawn mower yesterday I came to the realization that this will be the last time I mow this year. That's not true. But I would be All Set if I didn't have to mow it again. Ever. Maybe I could bribe one of the neighborhood kids to do it. Do the kids still like to barter? I've got some cookies and ice cream. I could run to the store for some Chuckles.

I don't like this mower - it surges, which is annoying with that whiiiiir-whiiiiir-whiiiir sound that it makes... it can't seem to keep a steady idle. I suppose I could fit some kind of crude throttle system to it. That might be fun. But what it really needs is more aggressive carburetion. I don't think the blade is spinning fast enough because I'm not fully convinced someone could get seriously hurt operating this thing. I think with a little carburetor redesign, some high flow exhaust and a twist-grip throttle control I might just be able to solve the neighborhood rabbit problem.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Practice

Well, the world isn't getting any less crazy. I might as well piss in the river...

It's a good day - the air is crisp and cool, the sun is shining warmly, like an 80's rerun of the Dukes of Hazzard. Good motorcycle riding weather. Now is as good a time as any to ask What Would Maxx Do?

Well, I'll tell you what I'd do: I'd say to hell with it, there is only so long you can put things off. Carpe Diem? Sure, why not. Seize the day by the balls and don't let go until everyone around you is screaming for you to let go. Then squeeze harder.

This marks the first post of my blog. God help you all.

-Maxx